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Canned Laughter 


By 

RANDALL ALBERT CARTER, 

U 

ONE OF THE BISHOPS OF THE 
COLORED METHODIST EPISCOPAL CHURCH 


) •> ’a 

i a 
9 3 

’* £ 


PRINTED FOR THE AUTHOR 

THE CAXTON PRESS 

CINCINNATI, OHIO 






Copyright, 1923, by 

Randall Albert Carter 



Printed in the United States of America 


OCT -1 '23 

©C1A759366 
"H® 1 




FOREWORD 

Canned Laughter? Why not? We have 
canned fruit, canned vegetables, canned meats, 
and sometimes “canned folks” nowadays. In fact, 
everything which is palatable and desirable, though 
out of season, is now served, by being canned, at 
any season. So why not serve laughter, for laughter 
“doeth good like a medicine”? 

Nothing helps a public speaker to catch and hold 
an audience better than an apt anecdote or story. 
A good story, well told, reacts upon a tired au¬ 
dience, bored by a long and duH v program, like a 
genial shower of rain in summer upon drooping 
plants. I have noticed that few speakers seem to 
have a fund of good anecdotes and stories suitable 
for all occasions. The contents of this little can of 
laughter will help all such persons. These are the 
choicest of my collection, culled from my scrap¬ 
book, which has grown fat by being fed through 
many years by the use of the paste-jar and the 
scissors. With some of these anecdotes and stories 
I have saved myself many a time from talking to a 
sleeping crowd, or, worse still, from speaking to 
empty seats, when I came last on a program 
which was remarkable only for its dullness. 

Therefore, I commend them to my fellow-public 
speakers for the same good purpose, for my ex¬ 
perience has been that the average normal human 
3 


4 


FOREWORD 


being prefers to be entertained rather than to be 
instructed, and, once they are started to laughing 
by a well-chosen anecdote or story, will swallow 
almost any kind of oratorical nostrum, however 
bitter or vapid, if it is sugar-coated with a little 
humor. 

Wisely has it been declared, “A merry heart 
maketh a cheerful countenance.” Those who help 
make “merry hearts” help make life’s loads lighter 
and thus are benefactors of mankind. Therefore, 
I am sending this little book forth with the hope 
that it will make “miles and miles of smiles.” 

Randall Albert Carter. 

4408 Vincennes Ave., Chicago , III. 

Sept. 7, 1923. 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Well Recommended 

Two Negro men came up to the outskirts of a 
crowd where Senator Bailey was making a cam¬ 
paign speech. After listening to the speech for 
about ten minutes, one of them turned to his com¬ 
panion and asked: 

“Who am dat man, Sambo?” 

“Ah don’ know what his name am,” Sambo re¬ 
plied, “but he certainly do recommen’ hisself mos’ 
highly.” 

Pie Cutters. 

Old Aunt Sally, the highly esteemed cook in a 
Southern family, was frequently praised for her 
culinary skill, and on one occasion, when a num¬ 
ber of guests had been to dine with the family, a 
remark was made touching the beautiful appear¬ 
ance of Sally’s pie, which showed a very pretty 
“scallop” on its edge. 

Inquiry being made as to how the old lady man¬ 
aged to get such an even design, Sally was sum¬ 
moned to the dining-room and the question was 
duly put to her. 

The emotions of the guests may be imagined 
when the old lady replied : 

“Oh, dat’s easy. I jest uses my false teeth.” 

5 



6 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Rude Haste. 

They were on their honeymoon. He had bought 
a catboat and had taken her out to show her how 
well he could handle a boat, putting her to tend 
the sheet. A puff of wind came, and he shouted in 
no uncertain tone, “Let go the sheet!” No re¬ 
sponse. Then again, “Let go that sheet, quick!” 
Still no movement. A few minutes after, when 
both were clinging to the bottom of the overturned 
boat, he said: 

“Why didn’t you let go that sheet when I told 
you to, dear?” 

“I would have,” said the bride, “if you had not 
been so rough about it. You ought to speak more 
kindly to your wife.” 

His Choice. 

“Yes,” said the specialist, as he stood at the bed¬ 
side of the miser millionaire, “I can cure you.” 

“But what will it cost?” came feebly from the 
lips of the sick man. 

The specialist made a swift mental calculation. 
“Ninety-five dollars,” was his answer. 

“Can’t you shade your figure a little?” wailed 
the other. “The undertaker’s bid is much less.” 

The Natural Finish. 

“What happened to Babylon?” asked the Sun¬ 
day-school teacher. 

“It fell!” cried the pupil. 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


7 


“And what became of Nineveh?” 

“It was destroyed.” 

“And what of Tyre?” 

“Punctured.” 

Economy. 

A New England mother had come upon her 
eight-year-old son enjoying a feast whereof the 
components were jam, butter, and bread. 

“Son,” said the mother, “don’t you think it a bit 
extravagant to eat butter with that fine jam?” 

“No, ma’am,” was the response. “It’s eco¬ 
nomical; the same piece of bread does for both.” 

Different. 

The candidate (having quoted the words of an 
eminent statesman in support of an argument): 
“And, mind you, these are not my words. This is 
not merely my opinion. These are wordte of a man 
who knows what he’s talking about.” 

Success? 

George A. Hill, of the United States Naval Ob¬ 
servatory, before leaving on a trip for the purpose 
of studying a solar eclipse, remarked with a sigh: 
“I have high hopes for the success of this expedi¬ 
tion, but think how often the highest hopes are 
blasted! Think how many boys begin their ca¬ 
reers with full confidence of becoming presidents, 
governors, or senators at the very least, and look 
what happens to them. 


8 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


“A boy, and he was a bright boy, too, left his 
father’s farm, near my native town of Elizabeth, 
New Jersey, and went to New York to seek his 
fortune. None of his family seemed to doubt in the 
least that his fortune would meet him at the ferry 
with a brass band. 

“But six months passed without a word from the 
adventurous youth. At last, one cold winter after¬ 
noon, his father received this note scribbled in 
pencil on an old scrap of wrapping-paper: 

“Dear pa, meet me under the old bridge to¬ 
morrow night after dark. Bring with you a 
blanket or a suit of clothes. I have a hat.” 

Perfectly Willing. 

Charles M. Floyd, while he was governor of New 
Hampshire, lost Colonel Ward, of his staff, and 
there was an unseemly scramble for the office, 
even while the colonel’s body was awaiting burial. 
One candidate even called upon Governor Floyd. 

“Governor,” he asked, “have you any objection 
to my taking Colonel Ward’s place?” 

“No,” replied the governor, “I have no objection 
if the undertaker is willing.” 

Quite Excusable? 

Thomas Nelson Page tells of an office-boy named 
Eugene, and colored, whom he had when he prac¬ 
ticed law in Richmond. The boy wasn’t much of a 
help about the office, but, with proper persuasion, 
he could be induced to sweep out every morning. 


CANNED LAfJGHTER 


9 


One day, however, he did not appear. Page went 
to the office, saw it was not swept, and went out 
and walked around for an hour. He waited an¬ 
other hour and still no boy. He waited until three 
o’clock in the afternoon, and no boy; so, very 
angry, he decided to go out and interview the boy’s 
father about it. 

“That rascally boy of yours hasn’t been at my 
office at all to-day,” exploded Page. 

“Sholy, Massa Tom,” replied the father, “you- 
all ain’t telling me dat boy Eugene hain’t done bin 
dar yet?” 

“I am telling you. He hasn’t been there all day.” 

“That’s ver’ strange,” commented the father; 
“but I reckon you-all hafter ’scuse him dis 
mawnin’.” 

“Excuse him! Why?” roared Page. 

“Well, Massa Tom, he’s daid.” 

The Reason. 

• Nicholas Murray Butler, president of Columbia 
University, relates an amusing incident that goes 
to prove there has been a considerable advance¬ 
ment in the last half-century in the remuneration 
of teachers. 

“When I was a boy,” says President Butler, “it 
was the custom for the country people to work out 
their taxes by boarding the teacher. This meant 
that as part pay he was from time to time supplied 
with fresh meat. 

“One day a boy named Tim Moorehead breath- 


10 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


lessly sought our instructor, exclaiming, ‘Say, 
teacher, my pa wants to know if you like pork.’ 
‘Indeed I do, Tim,’ answered the pedagogue. 
‘Say to your father that there is nothing in the 
way I like better than pork.’ 

“Some time passed, but there was no pork from 
Tim’s father. 

“ ‘How about the pork your father was to send 
me?’ the teacher asked the boy one day. 

“ ‘Oh,’ answered the boy, ‘the pig got well.’ ” 

A Natural Mistake. 

v The servants were abed, and the doctor an¬ 
swered the bell himself. A colored man stood on 
the steps holding a large package. 

“Is Miss Matildah, the cook, at home, sah?’’ 
asked the man. 

“Yes, but she has retired,” returned the doctor. 

“Can I leab dis fo’ her, sah?” 

“Certainly,” said the doctor. 

He took the bundle, from which flowers and 
buds were protruding, and, after bidding the man 
good-night, carefully carried it to the kitchen, 
where he deposited it, paper and all, in a pan of 
water. 

The doctor thought nothing more of the affair 
until he heard Mathilda’s angry voice raised in 
conversation with the maid. 

“Ef I had de pusson heah,” cried the cook, “dat 
put mah new spring hat in dis yer dishpan, I’d 
scald ’im fo’ shol” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


11 


The Variations in Love. 

Into a telegraph office in an Eastern town there 
recently came a much-agit&ted young woman. 
She wrote upon one telegraph blank, tore it in 
halves, wrote a second, which she treated in the 
same manner, and at last a third. This she handed 
to the operator, requesting, in a trembling voice, 
that he "hurry it up.” 

The operator obeyed instructions, and when the 
young woman had gone he read the two messages 
that she had torn in halves. 

The first was: "All is over. I never wish to see 
you again.” 

The second read: "Do not write or try to see me 
at present.” 

The third ran: "Can you take the next train? 
Please answer.” 

Filling Her Program. 

r "Ah, say, Miz Mandy, am yo’ program full?” 

"Lordee, no, Mr. Lumley. It take mo’ dan a 
san’wich an’ two olives to fill my program.” 

The Difference. 

"You are the first man I ever permitted to kiss 
me.” 

"And you are the first girl I ever kissed. Will 
you marry me?” 

"I wouldn’t marry a liar.” 

"I would.” 


12 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


The Fatal Street Corner. 

In a Nova Scotia town lived an old man whose 
wife had recently died, leaving him in a com¬ 
fortable house with no one to look after him. He 
soon began “lookin’ round” for a second help¬ 
mate, and settled on a widow whose status as a 
housekeeper for her former spouse was well-es¬ 
tablished. The old man had but one objection to 
her: she was a Methodist, and he had been a de¬ 
vout Presbyterian all his life. 

“It’s all right but for that one thing,” he confided 
to his crony, when they fell to discussing his draw¬ 
back. “Come week-days, she will be fine, I’m a- 
thinking. She can keep me tidy, mind the house, 
and, man, ye know she can cook. But then,” and 
he shook his head doubtfully, “then will come 
Sunday. We will be starting off for church to¬ 
gether, just as husband and wife should be doing 
on the Sabbath day, and we will come to the cor¬ 
ner. Then Mandy, she will be turning to go down 
the street to that Methodist place, and I will go 
on to the house of God alone.” 

A Swedish Sherlock Holmes. 

A witness in a railroad case at Fort Worth, asked 
to tell in his own way how the accident happened, 
said: 

“Well, Ole and I was walking down the track, 
and I heard a whistle, and I got off the track, and 
the train went by, and I got back on the track, and 
I didn’t see Ole; but I walked along, and pretty 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


13 


soon I seen Ole’s hat, and I walked on, and seen 
one of Ole’s legs, and then I seen one of Ole’s arms, 
and then another leg, and then over one side Ole’s 
head, and I says: ‘My God! Something muster 
happen to Ole!’ ” 


To Add Interest. 

A little boy was killed on a viaduct in a certain 
Texas city. A father was trying to describe him to 
his little son. The boy tried to recall the dead 
child, and, failing, said sorrowfully to his parent, 
“I wish it had been Patty O’Hagan—I know him.” 

A Scotchman’s Mettle. 

Two Irishmen, bent on robbery, held up a 
passing Scotchman. After a long, fierce fight, in 
which the Scotchman almost had the better of it, 
they succeeded in conquering him. A thorough 
search of his clothes disclosed one lone 5-cent 
piece. “Troth, Pat,” said Mike disgustedly, “if 
he’d had 10 cints instead of a nickel, he’d have 
murthered the two of us!” 

His Congratulations. 

A young Concord lawyer had a foreign client in 
police court the other day. It looked rather black 
for the foreigner, and the Concord man fairly 
outdid himself in trying to convince the magis¬ 
trate that his client was innocent. 

The la*wyer dwelt on the other’s ignorance of 
American customs, his straightforward story, and 


14 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


enough other details to extend the talk fully fifteen 
minutes. His client was acquitted. 

In congratulating the freed man the lawyer held 
out his hand in an absent though rather suggestive 
manner. The client grasped it warmly. 

“Dot was a fine noise you make,” he said; 
“Tanks, Goo-by.” 

Still Catching Up. 

A man who was traveling in the Ozark mountains 
on horseback stopped in before a typical Arkansas 
farmhouse to inquire the way. ‘‘What’s the news?” 
asked the mountaineer, as he leaned his lank frame 
against the fence and pulled his long beard thought¬ 
fully. 

On finding that what had become a part of his¬ 
tory was news to him, the traveler asked why he 
did not take some weekly or monthly periodical 
that he might keep in touch with the world at 
large. 

“Wal,” said the old native, “when my pa died, 
nine years ago, he left me a stack of newspapers 
that high”—indicating a height of about four 
feet—“and I ain’t done readin’ of ’em yet.” 

All in Vain. 

According to the following story, economy has its 
pains as well as its pleasures, even after the saving 
is done. 

One spring, for some reason, old Eli was going 
round town with the face of dissatisfaction, and, 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


15 


when questioned, poured forth his voluble tale of 
woe thus: 

“Marse George, he come to me last fall an’ he 
say, ‘Eli, dis gwine ter be a hard winter, so you be 
keerful, an’ save you wages fas’ an’ tight.’ 

“An’ I b’lieve Marse George, yes, sha, I b’lieve 
him, an’ I save an’ I save, an’ when de winter come 
it ain’t got no hardship, an’ dere was I wid all dat 
money jes’ frown on mah hands!” 

Expurgated. 

^ Embarrassed preacher (reading the first chapter 
of Jonah, and making the best of the seventeenth 
verse): And the Lord prepared a great fish to swal¬ 
low up Jonah; and Jonah was in the—er—a—and 
Jonah was in the—er—And the Lord prepared a 
great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in 
the society of the fish three days and three nights.” 

Saving His Life. 

A story is told of an Englishman who had occa¬ 
sion for a doctor while staying in Peking. 

“Sing Loo, gleatest doctor,” said his servant; 
“he savee my lifee once.” 

“Really?” queried the Englishman. 

“Yes; me tellible awful,” was the reply; “me 
callee in another doctor. He come and give me 
more medicine, make me velly, velly badder. Me 
callee in another doctor. He come and give me 
more medicine, make me velly, velly badder. Me 
callee in Sing Loo. He no come. He savee my 
life.” 



16 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


The Scapegoat. 

Teacher-—“I shall not keep you after school, 
Johnnie. You may go home now.” 

Johnnie—“I don’t want ter go home. There’s a 
baby just come to our house.” 

Teacher—“You ought to be glad, Johnnie. A 
dear little baby—” 

Johnnie (vehemently)—“I ain’t glad. Pa’ll 
blame me—he blames me for everything.” 

No Place for It 

An Irishman visited a tuberculosis exhibit, 
where lungs in both healthy and diseased condi¬ 
tions were displayed preserved in glass jars. After 
carefully studying one marked “Cured tubercu¬ 
losis lung,” he turned to the physician and said: 

“Perhaps it’s because Oi’m Irish, but if ye cured 
th’ patient, how could ye have his lung in a bottle?” 

Wendell Phillips’ Retort. 

Wendell Phillips, according to the recent biog¬ 
raphy by Dr. Lorenzo Sears, was, on one occasion, 
lecturing in Ohio, and while on a railroad journey, 
going to keep one of his appointments, he met in the 
car a crowd of clergy, returning from some sort of 
convention. One of the ministers felt called upon 
to approach Mr. Phillips and asked him, “Are you 
Mr. Phillips?” “I am, sir.” “Are you trying to 
free the niggers?” “Yes, sir; I am an abolitionist.” 
“Well, why do you preach your doctrines up here? 
Why don’t you go over into Kentucky?” “Excuse 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


17 


me, are you a preacher?” “I am, sir.” “Are you 
trying to save souls from hell?” “Yes, sir; that’s 
my business.” “Well, why don’t you go there?” 
The assailant hurried into the smoker amid a roar 
of unsanctified laughter. 

Answering It. 

A Boston woman, said Mr. Bliss Carman at a 
dinner in New York, once asked Lowell to write 
in her autograph album, and the poet, complying, 
wrote the line, “What is so rare as a day in June?” 
Calling at this woman’s house a few days later, 
Lowell idly turned the pages of the album till he 
came to his own autograph. Beneath it was writ¬ 
ten in a childish scrawl, “Chinaman with whiskers.” 

A Use for Boys. 

The ever-burning question, “What shall we do 
with our boys?” seems to be satisfactorily an¬ 
swered in the following advertisement, which ap¬ 
pears in the window of a butcher shop, “Wanted— 
a respectable boy for beef sausages.” 

Why She Preferred Walking. 

An alert little five-year-old was taking a walk in a 
city park with her mother for the first time, and 
when they arrived at the boat landing where the 
swan boats were waiting for passengers little Elsie 
pulled away and declared very vigorously that she 
did not want to go, and as her mother urged her 
she broke into tears. 


18 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


This sudden fear was so unusual that her mother 
could not understand it until she heard the boat¬ 
man’s call: 

“Come along, come along—ride clear around the 
pond—only five cents for ladies and gents—chil¬ 
dren thrown in!” 

The British View, Too. 

“And now,” said the teacher, “we come to Ger¬ 
many, that important country governed by a 
kaiser. Tommy Jones, what is a kaiser?” 

“Please, ma’am, a kaiser is a stream of hot water 
springin’ up an’ disturbin’ the earth.” 

Seeing Her Home. 

Hegan—“I think Miss deBlank is very rude.” 

Jones—“What causes you to think that? I 
never thought her so.” 

Hegan—“I met her out for a walk this after¬ 
noon, and asked if I might see her home. She said 
yes, I could see it from the top of the high-school 
building, and that it wasn’t necessary to go any 
farther.” 

Reassuring. 

* Bobbie ran into the sewing-room and cried: “Oh, 
mamma! There’s a man in the nursery kissing 
Fraulein.” 

Mamma dropped her sewing and rushed for the 
stairway. 

“April fool!” said Bobbie, gleefully. “It’s only 
papa.” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


19 


Mates. 

Bobby—“Honest, is there twins at your house?” 

Tommy—“Honest! An’ they’re just alike.” 

Bobby—“Built just the same way, or are they 
rights and lefts?” 

The Retort Courteous. 

The Lady of the House—“I hope you are habitu¬ 
ally truthful, Bridget?” 

The New Maid—“Yis, mum, I am on me own 
account. I only tells lies to th’ callers, f’r th’ mis¬ 
sus.” 

A Private Performance. 

“You are charged with stealing nine of Colonel 
Henry’s hens last night. Have you any witnesses?” 
asked the Justice sternly. 

“Nussah!” said Brother Jones humbly. “I 
’specks Pse sawthuh perculia dat-uh-way, but it 
ain’t never been mah custom to take witnesses 
along when I goes out chicken stealin’, suh.” 

Hitting It Up 

* A guest in a Cincinnati hotel was shot and killed. 
The Negro porter, who heard the shooting, was a 
witness at the trial. 

“How many shots did you hear?” asked the 
lawyer. 

“Two shots, sah,” he replied. 

“How far apart were they?” 

“ ’Bout like dis way,” explained the Negro, clap- 


20 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


ping his hands with an interval of about a second 
between them. 

“Where were you when the first shot was fired?” 

“Shinin’ a genman’s shoe in de basement of de 
hotel.” 

“Where were you when the second shot was 
fired?” 

“Ah was a-passin’ de Big Fo’ depot.” 

Why Boys Are Brave. 

To his teacher’s request that he give the class 
ideas on the subject of “Bravery,” little Johnny 
delivered himself of the following: 

“Some boys is brave because they always plays 
with little boys, and some boys is brave because 
their legs is too short to run away, but most boys is 
brave because somebody’s lookin’.” 

Regarding Chickens. 

Senator Money, of Mississippi, asked an old 
colored man what breed of chickens he considered 
best, and he replied: 

“All kinds has merits. De w’ite ones is de easiest 
to find; but de black ones is de easiest to hide aftah 
you gits ’em.” 

What the Waiter Says. 

The waiter who bawls out his order to the cook 
in the kitchen may soon be as extinct as the dodo; 
but his cries should live forever. 

“Mutton broth in a hurry,” says a customer. 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


21 


“Baa-baa in the rain! Make him run!” shouts the 
waiter. 

“Beefsteak and onions,” says a customer. “John 
Bull! Make him a ginny!’ ’ shouts the waiter. 

“Where’s my baked potato?” asks a customer. 
“Mrs. Murphy in a sealskin coat!” shouts the 
waiter. 

“Two fried eggs. Don’t fry ’em too hard,” says a 
customer. “Adam and Eve in the Garden! Leave 
their eyes open!” shouts the waiter. 

“Poached eggs on toast,” says the customer. 
“Bride and groom on a raft in the middle of the 
ocean!” shouts the waiter. 

“Chicken croquettes,” says a customer. “Fowl 
ball!” shouts the waiter. 

“Hash,” says a customer. “Gentleman wants 
to take a chance!” shouts the waiter. “I’ll have 
hash, too,” says the next customer. “Another 
sport!” shouts the waiter. 

“I’ll have a glass of milk,” says a customer. 
“Let it rain!” shouts the waiter. 

“Frankfurters and sauerkraut, good and hot,” 
says a customer. “Fido Shep and a bale of hay! 
shouts the waiter; “and let ’em sizzle!” 

The Best Thing He Wrote. 

She was a charming debutante, and he was a 
somewhat serious chap. Conversation was rather 
fitful, so he decided to guide it into literary chan¬ 
nels. 

“Are you fond of literature?” he asked. 


22 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


“Passionately,” she replied. “I love books 
dearly.” 

“Then you must admire Sir Walter Scott, he ex¬ 
claimed with sudden animation. “Is not his ‘Lady 
of the Lake’ exquisite in its flowing grace and po¬ 
etic imagery? Is not—” 

“It is perfectly lovely,” she assented, clasping 
her hands in ecstasy. “I suppose I have read it a 
dozen times.” 

“And Scott’s ‘Marmion,’ ” he continued, “with 
its rugged simplicity and marvelous description.” 

“It is perfectly grand,” she murmured. 

“And Scott’s ‘Peveril of the Peak’ and his noble 
‘Bride of Lammermoor’—where in the English 
language will you find anything more heroic? You 
like them, I am sure?” 

“I just dote upon them,” she replied. 

“And Scott’s Emulsion?” he continued hastily, 
for a faint suspicion was beginning to dawn upon 
him. 

“I think,” she interrupted rashly, “that it’s the 
best thing he ever wrote.” 

How Would It Work In the Family? 

“Johnny, did you take that jam? Answer me 
this instant!” 

“What jam, ma?” 

“You know very well what jam. Did you take 
it?” 

“That’s a leading question, ma. I can’t in¬ 
criminate myself.” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


23 


“Johnny!” 

“And besides, ma, it’s no crime to take jam, be¬ 
cause there’s no mention of blackberry jam in the 
constitution.” 

“Johnny, I’m losing patience. Once more, did 
you take that jam?” 

“Ma, I’d like a delay until next fall to prepare 
my case. My witnesses have gone to Europe.” 

“You’re overruled. If I waited you might de¬ 
stroy the evidence.” 

“Then I want a change of venue.” 

“Overruled. This is just as good a place as the 
woodshed.” 

“Can I have a habeas corpus, ma?” 

“Johnny, you’re hurting your own case by all 
this quibbling. Come now, did you take it or 
didn’t you?” 

“Ma, I’d like to appeal the case to some court 
that isn’t in session.” 

“Nonsense. This court is capable of trying it. If 
you’re guilty I want to know it; and if you’re inno¬ 
cent I should think you’d be glad to have a chance 
to prove it. Are you guilty or not guilty?” 

11 Not guilty , ma!” 

Where Was John? 

v A San Francisco woman whose husband had 
been dead some years went to a medium, who pro¬ 
duced the spirit of her dead husband. 

“My dear John,” said the widow to the spirit, 
“are you happy now?” 


24 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


“I am very happy,” John replied. 

“Happier than you were on earth with me?” 
she asked. 

“Yes,” was the answer; “I am far happier now 
than I was on earth with you.” 

“Tell me, John, what is it like in heaven?” 

“Heaven!” said John, “I’m not in heaven.” 

No Need 

“I see you only have one chair in the kitchen, 
Mary. I must get another one for you.” 

“You needn’t mind, ma’am. I have none but 
gentleman callers.” 

A Case of Necessity. 

A weary guest at a small and not very clean 
country inn was repeatedly called, the morning 
after his arrival, by the colored man of all work. 

“See here!” he finally burst forth, “how many 
times have I told you I don’t want to be called! I 
want to sleep!” 

“I know, suh, but dey’ve got to hab de sheets 
anyhow. It’s almos’ eight o’clock an’ dey’s waitin’ 
fo’ de table-cloth.” 

The Consoling Waiter. 

At the first meal on board the ocean liner Smythe 
was beginning to feel like casting his bread upon 
the waters. His friends had told him that when he 
began to feel that way he should stuff himself. He 
tackled a cutlet first, but it didn’t taste right. He 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


25 


observed to the waiter, “Waiter, this cutlet isn’t 
very good.” 

The waiter looked at his whitening face, then 
replied: “Yes, sir; but for the length of time you’ll 
’ave h’it, sir, h’it won’t matter, sir.” 

The Reform He Needed. 

Earnest but Prosy Street-corner Orator—“I 
want land reform; I want housing reform; I want 
educational reform; I want— 

Bored Voice—“Chloroform.” 

Her Responsibility. 

“Susannah,” asked the preacher, when it came 
her turn to answer the usual question in such cases, 
“do you take this man to be your wedded husband 
for better or for worse—” 

“Jes’ as he is, pahson,” she interrupted; “jes’ as 
he is. Ef he gits any bettah ah’ll know de good 
Lawd’s gwine to take ’im; an’ ef he gits any 
wusser, w’y, ah’ll tend to ’im myself.” 

Bearing It All Alone. 

’ Some federal officers in the Civil War once 
sought shelter for the night in an old tumble-down 
hut. About two o’clock a polecat announced in 
its own peculiar way its presence. A German sat 
up and looked helplessly about him. The others 
were all sleeping peacefully. 

“Mein gracious!” he exclaimed, in tones of de¬ 
despair. “All the rest ashleep und I’ve got to 
shmell it all!” 


26 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Father’s Method. 

During a recent slight illness the five-year-old 
Teddy, usually so amiable, flatly and obstinately 
refused to take his medicine. After a somewhat 
prolonged and ineffectual argument with him, his 
mother at last set the glass of medicine down, 
leaned her head on her hands, and “played” that 
she was crying. A moment passed, and the tender¬ 
hearted Teddy, unable longer to bear the sight of 
his mother’s stricken attitude, inquired, “What s 
the matter, mother dear?” Without removing her 
hands from her eyes, she replied, “I’m grieved that 
my son won’t take his castor oil for me. Where¬ 
upon Teddy sat up in bed and offered consolingly: 
“Oh—I wouldn’t feel badly if I were you, mother, 
dear. Father will be home soon and he’ll make me 
take it.” 

Motherly Care. 

The judge of the juvenile court, leaning forward 
in his chair, looked searchingly from the discreet 
and very ragged piccaninny before his desk to the 
ample and solicitous form of the culprit’s mother. 
“Why do you send him to the railroad yards to 
pick up coal?” demanded his honor. “You know 
it is against the law to send your child where he will 
be in jeopardy of his life.” 

“ ’Deed, jedge, I doesn’t send ’im; I nebber has 
sent ’im, ’deed—” 

“Doesn’t he bring home the coal?” inquired the 
judge, impatiently. 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


27 


“But, jedge, I whips ’im, jedge, ebery time he 
brings it, I whips de little rapscallion till he cayn’t 
set, ’deed, I does.” 

The careful disciplinarian turned her broad, shiny 
countenance reprovingly upon her undisturbed off¬ 
spring, but kept a conciliatory eye for the judge. 

“You burn the coal he brings, do you not?” per¬ 
sisted the judge. 

“Burns it—burns it—cose I burns it. W’y, jedge, 
I has to git it out ob de way.” 

“Why don’t you send him back with it?” His 
honor smiled insinuatingly as he rasped out the 
question. 

“Send ’im back, jedge!” exclaimed the woman, 
throwing up her hands in a gesture of astonishment. 
“Send ’im back! W’y, jedge, ain’t yo’ jes’ told me I 
didn’t oughter send my chile to no sech dange’some 
and jeopardous place?” 

Slipped His Mind. 

A Perthshire farmer on his way home from 
market one day suddenly remembered that he had 
forgotten something, but what he could not recall. 

As he neared home the conviction increased and 
three times he stopped his horse and went carefully 
through his pocket-book in the vain endeavor to 
discover what he had missed. In due course he 
reached home and was met by his daughter, who 
looked at him in surprise and asked: 

“Why, father, what have you done with 
mother?” 



28 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Thunder and Lightning. 

A bishop came to visit a church where a colored 
minister was presiding. Loudly and with much 
gesticulation the preacher proclaimed the salvation. 
When he had finished he approached the bishop 
and asked how he liked the sermon. 

The bishop answered: “Why, pretty well; but 
don’t you think you spoke too loud?” 

“Well,” said the preacher, “it’s this way: what I 
lacks in lightning I tries to make up in thunder.” 

Abraham’s Predicament. 

V The Sunday-school class had reached the part in 
the lesson where “Abraham entertained the angel 
unaware.” 

“And what now is the meaning of ‘unaware’?” 
asked the teacher. 

There was a bashful silence; then the smallest 
girl in the class piped up, “Un’erware is what you 
takes off before you puts on your nightie.” 

Didn’t Look Right. 

1 A Negro, a new assistant on a farm down South, 
was asked to hold a cow while the farmer, a cross¬ 
eyed man, was to hit her on the head with an ax. 
The darky, observing the man’s eyes, in some fear 
inquired: 

“Is you gwine to hit whar you is lookin’, boss?” 

“Why, certainly,” answered the farmer. 

“Well, den, you hold de cow yourself, sah.” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


29 


Legal Humor. 


‘‘Hello, Mose; how long you-all in jail fo’?” 
“Three weeks.” 

“What did you do?” 

“Jest killed ma wife.” 

“An’ you-all only got three weeks?” 

“Dat’s all. Den dey’s gwine ter hang me.” 


'X 


The Chinese Cook. 


A tramp, who seemed to be in a starving condi¬ 
tion, asked for food at the kitchen of a home in 
California. 

. “You likee fish?” asked the Chinese cook. 

“Sure,” replied the tramp, eagerly. 

“All lite; come alound Fliday.” 




How They Do It. 

< In a hotel in Montana is the following notice: 

Boarders are taken by the day, week, or month. 
Those who do not pay promptly are taken by the 
neck. 

A Wise Precaution. 

The day before she was to be married the old 
Negro servant came to her mistress and entrusted 
her savings in her keeping. “Why should I keep 
it; I thought you were going to get married?” said 
her mistress. “So I is, Missus, but do you s’pose 
I’d keep all dis money in de house wid dat strange 
nigger?” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


30 

To Let. 

^ A witty lawyer, whose ability brought him to the 
front rank in his profession, ultimately became a 
member of Parliament. In the course of a debate 
on one occasion he considerably angered a member 
of the opposite party. 

The latter jumped to his feet and exclaimed 

angrily: ‘‘The honorable member for X-, as 

everyone knows, has rooms to let in his upper 
story.” 

The lawyer merely smiled as he replied: “True, 
I have rooms to let, but there lies this difference be¬ 
tween the honorable member for Z- and my¬ 

self. Mine are furnished.” 

No Star Route for Him. 

Senator Bacon tells a story of a Negro in Macon 
who wanted to be a carrier on a rural free-delivery 
route. 

The Negro made his application and went before 
the board, whose members were men he had known 
all his life. 

“What’s your name?” asked the examiner. 

“ ’Deed, boss,” the Negro replied, “you done 
know my name. You’s knowed me all your life.” 

“What’s your name?” very sternly. 

“Sam Johnson.” 

“Well, Mr. Johnson, where were you born?” 

“Now look yere, boss, you done knowed where 
I’se bawn, right on your ol’ father’s fahm.” 

“Never mind that, Mr. Johnson. You were born 




CANNED LAUGHTER 


31 


in Macon. Now, Mr. Johnson, tell this board 
how many miles it is from the earth to the moon.” 

“Huh, boss, I cain’t tell dat, and I’se goin’ to 
quit dis yere right now. You cain’t put me on no 
such run as dat.” 

Every Precaution Taken. 

i During a recent smallpox epidemic in Alabama 
special precautions against the disease were taken 
in the mining camps. In one of these camps the 
president of the mining company paid a visit of 
inspection and came upon an old Negro leaning 
against the side of a building. 

“Jake,” asked the president, “are you afraid of 
the'smallpox out here?” 

“Some may be, sah,” Jake replied. “As fo’ me, 
I ain’t scahed; I’se jest gwine toh get me some lime 
an’ limate mah house; an’ den de doctah, he’s 
cornin’ up an’ ’sassinate mah fambly; so dat, den 
sah, if we do git de smallpox, ’twon’t be nothin’ but 
de celluloid.” 

A Grave Job. 

On a busy day a woman walked into the office of 
the courtrooms at Atlanta, Georgia, and, addressing 
Judge Blank, said: 

“Are you the reprobate judge?” 

“I am the probate judge.” 

“That is what I was saying,” she said, “and I 
have come to you because I am in trouble. My 
husband was studying to be a minister at a ’logical 


32 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


seminary, and he died detested, and left three little 
infidels, and I have come to be appointed their exe¬ 
cutioner. 


A Question of Hearing. 

The burly farmer strode anxiously into the post 
office. 

“Have you got any letter for Mike Howe?” he 
asked. 

The new postmaster looked him up and down. 

“For—who?” he snapped. 

“Mike Howe!” repeated the farmer. 

The postmaster turned aside. 

“I don’t understand,” he returned stiffly. 

“Don’t understand!” roared the applicant. 
“Can’t you understand plain English? I asked if 
you’ve got any letter for Mike Howe.” 

“Well, I haven’t!” snorted the postmaster. 
“Neither have I a letter for anybody else’s cow!” 

The Drummer’s Sermon. 

“Certainly, I will make a few remarks,” said the 
cigar salesman, who, because of his solemn garb, 
has been mistaken for a man of the cloth. Ascend¬ 
ing the platform, he said: 

“Men are much like cigars. Often you cannot 
tell by the wrapper what the filler is. Sometimes a 
good old stogie is more popular than an imported 
celebrity. Some men are all right in the show¬ 
case, on display, but are great disappointments 
when you get them home. No matter how fine a 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


33 


man is, eventually he meets his match. A two-fer 
often puts on as many airs as a fifty-center. Some 
men never get to the front at all except during cam¬ 
paigns. Some are very fancy outside and are se¬ 
lected for presents. Others have a rough exterior 
but spread cheer and comfort about them because 
of what is inside. But all men, as all cigars, good or 
bad, two-fers, stogies, or rich or poor, come to 
ashes at the last.” 

Very Likely. 

The railroad station of Meridian, Texas, is about 
a mile from the business part of town. One night 
a sleepy, weary traveling man said to the darky 
who was driving him to the hotel: 

“Old man, why did they put this depot so far 
from town?” 

The darky scratched his head in thought and re¬ 
plied : 

“Waal, boss, I’s fo’ced to admit dat I hasn’t give 
de matter s’ficient cogitation, but jes’ jumped up 
fer a answer like dis, I s’pose dey done dat so as 
to have de depot as near as possible to de rail¬ 
road.” 

Knew What Ailed Him. 

* In the bright sunlight on a railroad station in 
Georgia slept a colored brother. He snored gently, 
with his mouth ajar and his long, moist tongue 
resting on his chest like a pink plush necktie. A 
Northerner climbed off a train to stretch his legs, 
unscrewed the top of a capsule and, advancing on 


34 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


tiptoe, dusted ten grains of quinine on the surface 
of the darkey’s tongue. Presently the Negro 
sucked his tongue back inside his mouth and in¬ 
stantly he arose with a start and looked about him 
wildly. 

“Mistah,” he said to the joker, “is you a doc- 
tah?” 

“Nope.” 

“Well, then, kin yo’ tell me whar I kin fin’ me a 
doctah right away?” 

“What do you want with a doctor?” 

“I’m sick.” 

“How sick?” 

“Powerful sick.” 

“Do you know what’s the matter with you?” 

“Suttinly I knows whut’s de matteh with me— 
mah gall’s busted!” 

Saving Time. 

“Are you still taking a cold plunge every morn¬ 
ing?” 

“No; I quit doing that to save time.” 

“Why, a cold plunge doesn’t take more than a 
minute or two.” 

“I know, but I used to spend three-quarters of an 
hour curled up in bed hesitating.” 

His Wife. 

“What do you do for a living, Mose?” 

“I’se de manager ob a laundry.” 

“What’s de name of this laundry?’' 

“Eliza Ann.” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


35 


His Count. 

i “How many children have you?” asked the cen¬ 
sus-taker. 

The man addressed removed the pipe from his 
mouth, scratched his head, thought it over a mo¬ 
ment, and then replied: 

“Five—four living and one married.” 

A Quick Shift. 

t A Scottish parson, remarkable for the simple 
force of his pulpit style, was enlarging one Sunday 
upon the text, “Except ye repent, ye shall all like¬ 
wise perish.” 

“Yes, my friends,” urged he with solemn ear¬ 
nestness, “unless ye repent ye shall as surely per¬ 
ish,” deftly placing his left forefinger on the wing 
of a blue-bottle fly that had just alighted upon the 
reading desk while the parson’s right hand was up¬ 
lifted, “just as surely as, my friends, I flatten this 
poor fly.” 

But before the threatened blow descended the 
fly got away, whereupon the minister further im¬ 
proved the occasion with ready wit, exclaiming, 
“There’s a chance for ye yet, my friends.” 

His Innings. 

On a recent examination paper in civics was this 
question, “If the President, Vice-president, and all 
the members of the Cabinet should die, who would 
officiate?” 

Robert, a boy of twelve, thought for some time, 


36 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


trying in vain to recall who came next in succes¬ 
sion. At last a happy inspiration came to him and 
he answered, ‘The undertaker.” 

Too Much Time. 

A colored preacher in a little Georgia town had 
offended the white people by something he said in a 
sermon he had preached on a certain Sabbath. A 
committee of the whites waited on him at his home 
to chastise him for his indiscretion. He was not at 
home so they left a note with his wife to deliver to 
him on his return which read as follows, ‘‘We will 
give you twenty-four hours to be out of town, and 
if you are not gone in that time we will return and 
attend to you.” 

When he returned and read the note he gathered 
a few things together hastily and wrote the follow¬ 
ing answer: “Your note received and in reply I am 
returning you twenty-three hours and forty-five 
minutes of the time you gave me to get out of town. 
Fifteen minutes is all I need.” 

Hard on Georgia. 

A woman who had lost her husband and could 
not be consoled finally decided to go to a medium 
to see if she could not get her dead husband to talk 
to her. The medium told her she could arrange a 
talk with him for five dollars. The disconsolate 
widow willingly paid the five dollars and was told 
to step into a closet and continue to say Hello! until 
she got an answer. After saying Hello! for several 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


37 


seconds finally she heard a faint Hello! in answer. 
She cried, “Is that you, Sam?” which was her hus¬ 
band’s name. The voice answered, “Yes, this is 
Sam.” 

“Oh, Sam,” she cried, “I am so glad to hear your 
voice once more! Is it really you, Sam?” 

“Yes,” he replied, “it is really I, Mary.” 

“How are you, Sam?” she asked, and upon being 
told he was all right she wanted to know if he was 
as well off as he was here. 

“Yes, Mary,” he replied, “I am as well off as I 
was in Georgia.” 

“Where are you, Sam?” she pressed. 

“I am in hell,” he replied. 

Fast Running. 

v Two colored men were discussing a small town 
in Alabama where it was said no colored person 
was allowed to stop. The town was on the main 
line of the Kansas City, Memphis, and Birmingham 
Railroad. One of the speakers said he would bet 
he could stop there since he was a law-abiding 
citizen with the constitution of the United States 
and the constitution of Alabama to protect him. 
The other agreed to bet him ten dollars he would 
not dare to stop there. Buying a ticket to the 
town the first man boarded the train and got off at 
the town. The usual crowd of white loafers was 
around the station when the train stopped. They 
were astonished to see a colored person get off a 
train there, but thought he was just stretching his 


38 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


legs and would get on again when the train started. 
When the train pulled off and left him they went 
up to him and said, “Nigger, don’t you know we 
don’t allow niggers in this town?” 

“I am a citizen of the United States and a citizen 
of Alabama and I’ve got two constitutions behind 
me,” the colored man replied, “and I am not 
breaking any law.” 

“Is that so?” they replied, and knocked him 
down, beat and stamped him until he was covered 
with blood and dirt. 

Finally, an old gray-haired fellow said, “Stop, 
boys, don’t kill him yet.” “Get up thar, nigger,” 
he said. 

The colored man got up full of dust and blood. 
“Nigger,” he said, “if I don’t let the boys kill you 
this time, will you promise to ketch the next train 
that comes along?” 

The colored man, wiping the blood and dust off 
him, replied: 

“Boss, if you won’t let ’em kill me, I’ll ketch 
that train that’s done gone on.” 

Why Honey Was Slow. 

She left her hubby alone in the room at the hotel 
while she went shopping. She returned. The 
many doors and numbers confused her, but she 
soon decided which was her room. 

She knocked and called: “I’m back, honey—let 
me in.” 

No answer. 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


39 


“Honey, honey, let me in!” she called again, 
knocking harder. “Honey, it is me—please, 
honey!” 

Brief silence, then a man’s voice, cold and full of 
dignity, came from the other side of the door: 
“Madam, this is not a beehive; it’s a bathroom.” 

Justifiable Resentment. 

The devil looked up from his daily register. “I 
see you have a fellow named Sherman here.” 

“Yes,” said Beelzebub, “he came with the last 
lot.” 

“Well, see if he is any relation to a general of that 
name who said war was hell, and if he is, give him 
the limit. I ain’t going to stand for people slander¬ 
ing hell that way.” 

Tit for Tat. 

( One morning Mr. Stone was going to his office 
when he met Mr. Wood, a particular friend of his. 

“Good-morning, Mr. Stone,” said Mr. Wood. 
“How are Mrs. Stone and all the little pebbles?” 

“Very well, thank you; but how is Mrs. Wood 
and all the little splinters?” was the reply. 

Disappointed. 

One of the papers tells of a complaint entered by 
a colored congregation in the South against “the 
powers that be.” Said the spokesman of the 
church, “We all asked you for a graduate, an’ you 
all sent us a quituate.” 


40 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


“But what on earth is a quituate?” he was asked. 

“W’y, don’t you know what a quituate is? He’s 
a student at a the’logical cemetery what quits be¬ 
fore he gits through.” 

How to Preserve a Good Memory. 

“How is it you have such a good memory, 
Norah?” her mistress asked a servant. 

“Well, mum, I’ll tell ye. Since me childhood 
never a lie have I told, and when ye don’t have to 
be taxin’ yer mimory to be rememberin’ what ye 
told this one or that, or how ye explained this or 
that, shure ye don’t overwork it an’ it lasts ye, 
good as new till ye die.” 

Mistaken Identity. 

k In Paducah, Kentucky, there was a husky Ne¬ 
gro named “Bull Shakelford,” who ruled the black 
belt by a combination of brawn and intimidation. 
One day there got off the boat a little yellow 
darkey, a stranger, who had some reputation as a 
prize-fighter. 

Into a saloon he went and ordered refreshments. 
As he was pulling off a bill from an enormous roll to 
pay for it, Bull Shakelford laid a heavy hand on his 
shoulder. “Say, you little nigger,” he bellowed, 
“you’ve got too much dough to take care of. You 
just pass over dat roll and I’ll give you back what 
you orter have. Dat’s de way I takes care of de 
niggers round here.” 

The little darkey did not raise his eyes, but he 



CANNED LAUpHTER 41 

did raise his hand, and he flicked off Bull’s hand 
very much as he would have swept off a fly. 

Bull squared off and glowered. “Do you know 
who I is?” he demanded. “I’se de bully of this 
town. When I gives orders, everybody obeys ’em.” 

Almost without moving his position, the little 
darkey let go an uppercut and Bull went down. 
When he recovered consciousness he looked at the 
little fellow long and hard. Finally he said, “Dar’s 
jest one thing I wants to know and dat’s all, Mister 
Man, who is you anyway?” 

Very solemnly the little darkey replied, “I’se de 
pusson you thought you was when you come in dat 
door.” 


The Highest Bidder. 

A prominent preacher was much annoyed to find 
that an old gentleman who belonged to his church 
fell asleep on two consecutive Sundays. So, after 
service on the second Sunday, he told the little boy 
who accompanied the old gentleman that he wished 
to speak with him in the pastor’s study. “My 
boy/’ said the minister, when they were closeted 
together, “who is that elderly gentleman you 
attend church with?” 

“Grandpa,” was the reply. 

“Well,” said the preacher, “if you only keep him 
awake during my sermon I will give you a nickel 
each week.” 

The boy fell in with the arrangement, and for the 
next two weeks the old gentleman listened at- 


42 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


tentively to the sermon. The third week, how¬ 
ever, found him sound asleep. 

The vexed preacher sent for the boy and said: 
“I am very angry with you. Didn’t you get a 
promise for a nickel a week to keep him awake?” 

“Yes,” replied the boy, “but grandpa gives me a 
dime not to disturb him.” 

In Doubt. 

A colored man accused of stealing a watch was 
arraigned before the court. The judge was not 
convinced that he was guilty and said, “Sam, you 
are acquitted.” 

“Acquitted,” repeated Sam doubtfully. “What 
do you mean, judge?” 

“That’s the sentence; you are acquitted.” 

Still looking somewhat confused, Sam said, 
“Judge, does vou mean dat I have to give de watch 
back?” 

Quick Thinking. 

A colored preacher in Alabama had at one time 
served a short jail sentence and was fearful lest his 
congregation discover the fact, as his later years 
had been models of rectitude. 

One Sunday, rising to begin his sermon, his heart 
sank to see a former cellmate sitting in the front 
row. Quick thinking was necessary. Fixing his 
eye on the unwelcome guest, the preacher an¬ 
nounced solemnly: “Ah takes mah text dis morn¬ 
ing from de sixty-fo’th chaptah and fo’ hundredth 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


43 


verse of de book of Job, which says: ‘Dem as sees 
and knows me, and says nothin’, dem will Ah see 
later.’ ” 

Name Pro Tem. 

“Erasmus Pro Tem Johnson, suh,” was the 
name old man Bill Johnson had given his youngest 
son. 

“But why the ‘Pro Tem’?” he was asked by one 
of his friends. 

He replied: “Well, suh, dat am to show the name 
am only temporaneous, suh. We figured as how 
Erasmus might want to choose his own name when 
he growed up, so we put in ‘Pro Tem’ as a warning 
to de public.” 

A Wise Decision. 

Mrs. Worth had just learned that her colored 
washerwoman, Aunt Dinah, had at the age of 
seventy married for the fourth time. 

“Why, Aunt Dinah,” she exclaimed, “you 
surely haven’t married again at your age.” 

“Yassum, honey, I has,” was Aunt Dinah’s smil¬ 
ing reply. “Jes’ as offen as de Lawd takes ’em, so 
will I.” 

A Legal Marriage. 

In a small North Carolina town there lived years 
ago a justice of the peace who had never married 
a couple. An eloping couple applied to him to 
marry them in a hurry. Although he never had 
seen a marriage, he was self-assured and boldly 
waded in. 


44 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


“Hats off in the presence of the court,” he said. 
“I swear you in first. Hold up yer right hands. 
Of course, all witnesses must be sworn. (This to 
the friend of the groom.) You, and each of you, 
solemnly swear that the evidence you shall give in 
this case shall be the truth, the whole truth, and 
nothing but the truth, s’elp you God? You, John 
Marvin, do solemnly swear to the best of your 
knowledge and belief you take this yere woman ter 
have and to hold fer yerself, yer heirs, exekyters, 
administrators, and assigns, fer you and their use 
and behoof forever?” When the answer, “I do,” 
had been properly given, the justice turned to the 
bride and said: “You, Alice Ewer, take this yer 
man fer yer husband, ter have and to hold ferever, 
and do further swear that you are lawfully seized 
in fee simple, and are free from all incumbrance, 
and you have good right to sel4, bargain, and con¬ 
vey to the said grantee yerself, yer heirs, yer ad¬ 
ministrators, and assigns?” 

When the answer, “I do,” had been given by the 
bride, the justice said, “I prernounce you man an’ 
wife.” 

Friends. 

“That man is one of my friends,” remarked the 
novice in public life. 

“Which kind?” responded Senator Sorghum. 
“Friends, you know, are divided into two great 
classes—those whom you need and those who need 
you.” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


45 


The Lost Art. 

v She—“What interested you most in your travels, 
major?” 

Major—“Well, the mummy of a queen I saw in 
Egypt. It’s wonderful how they could make a 
woman dry up and stay that way.” 

Sufficiently Punished. 

Judge (to lawyer)—“Mr. Sharp, are you to de¬ 
fend this prisoner?” 

Lawyer—“I am, your Honor.” 

Judge—“And how much is he charged with 
stealing?” 

Lawyer—“Fifty dollars, your Honor.” 

Judge—“Well, we’ll let him go; he’ll be pun¬ 
ished enough anyhow.” 

Lawyer—“What do you mean, your Honor?” 

Judge—“Why, by the time you get that fifty, 
and then he works out the other hundred you’ll 
charge him, he’ll be sorry enough he ever was dis¬ 
honest.” 

Complimentary. 

It was a few days after the examination. The 
French class has just received their papers, and 
found them corrected with the usual method of H 
for honor, C for creditable, P for passed , and so on. 
To-day honors prevailed, and, accordingly, made¬ 
moiselle beamed. Tapping lightly on the desk 
with her pencil, she leaned toward them. 

“My pupils,” she cried joyfully, “ah, how you 


46 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


have pleased me! Such encouragement! Quel 
plaisir! ’Fell, you are all on the road to H!” 

His Move. 

“You’ll find I’m hard to discourage,” said the 
persistent suitor melodramatically. “Some day 
I’ll make you admit you love me, and then—and 
not till then—I will die happy.” 

“I’ll say it now,” replied the heartless girl. “I 
don’t mind telling a lie for a good end.” 

Not Running Amuck. 

A newspaper editor in a certain western town 
was expressing his pleasure over the latest exposure. 

“Oh, it’s fine the way newspapers are showing up 
all the dark places—fine—fine!” he exclaimed to a 
friend at lunch. 

“I sincerely hope that when they’ve finished 
with secret rebates, beef trust, insurance, and 
Standard Oil,” replied the latter, “that they’ll fin¬ 
ish the job by exposing the newspaper business.” 

“So do I,” assented the editor instantly. “So 
do I! Why, here’s our rival, the Citizen, right in 
this town. Its building stands on school land for 
which it pays one-fourth the rent anybody else 
pays, because it’s the Citizen. It gets its fire 
insurance cheaper than anybody else, and gas, and 
water. Why? Simply because it’s the Citizen.” 

“Have you facts?” 

“Facts that would convict in court.” 

“Well, why don’t you go ahead with an ex- 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


47 


posure on your own account? It ought to be right 
in your line.” 

“Oh, fudge, we’re on school land, too!” 

Close Quarters. 

Anyone who has ever traveled on the New York 
subway in rush hours can easily appreciate the fol¬ 
lowing: 

“A little man, wedged into the middle of a car, 
suddenly thought of pickpockets, and quite as sud¬ 
denly remembered that he had some money in his 
overcoat. He plunged his hand into his pocket and 
was somewhat shocked upon encountering the fist 
of a fat fellow passenger. 

“Aha!” snorted the latter. “I caught you that 
time!” 

“Leggo!” snarled the little man. “Leggo my 
hand!” 

“Pickpocket!” hissed the fat man. 

“Scoundrel!” hissed the little one. 

Just then a tall man in their vicinity glanced up 
from his paper. 

“I’d like to get off here,” he drawled, “if you 
fellows don’t mind taking your hands out of my 
pocket.” 

As an Inspiration. 

Little Johnnie, having in his possession a couple 
of bantam hens, which laid very small eggs, sud¬ 
denly hit on a plan. Going the next morning to the 
fowl-run, Johnnie’s father was surprised to find an 


48 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


ostrich egg tied to one of the beams, and above it a 
card with the words: 

“Keep your eye on this and do your best.” 

Muddles. 

The lecturer arose and said impressively, “Every 
time I see a young man coming out of a saloon I 
want to go right up to that young man and say, 
Turn right around, young man, you’re going the 
wrong way.’ ” 

A Tip to the Barbers. 

“Mama,” said little Elise, “do men ever go to 
heaven?” 

“Why, of course, my dear. What makes you 
ask?” 

“Because I never see any pictures of angels with 
whiskers.” 

“Well,” said the mother, thoughtfully, “some 
men do go to heaven, but they get there by a close 
shave.” 

She Had But Two 

In the absence of his wife and the illness of the 
servant, Mr. Taylor undertook to help three-year- 
old Marjory to dress. 

He had succeeded in getting her arms in the 
sleeves and through the armholes of her garments 
and had buttoned her into them. Then he told 
her to put on her shoes herself and he would button 
them. 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


49 


He soon discovered that she was vainly striving 
to put a left shoe on her right foot. 

“Why, Marjory,” he said, impatiently, “don’t 
you know any better than that? You are putting 
your shoes on the wrong feet.” 

“Dey’s all de foots I dot, papa,” replied Marjory, 
tearfully. 

He Was It. 

One afternoon the proprietor of an animal store 
said to his young clerk: 

“Tom, I’m going upstairs to work on the books. 
If anyone comes in for a live animal let me know. 
You can attend to selling the stuffed animals your¬ 
self.” 

About half an hour later in came a gentleman 
with his son and asked Tom if he could show him a 
live monkey. To the customer’s amazement, the 
clerk ran to the foot of the stairs and yelled: 

“Come down, come down, sire; you’re wanted!” 

One Bed for All. 

A group of drummers were trading yarns on the 
subject of hospitality, when one, a little Virginian 
with humorous eyes and a delightful drawl, took up 
his parable thus: 

“I was down in Louisiana last month travelin’ 
cross country with S. J. Carey, when we kinder got 
lost in a mighty lonesome sort of road just about 
dark. We rode along a right good piece after sun¬ 
down, and when we saw a light ahead, I tell you it 


50 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


looked first-rate. We drove up to the light, finding 
’twas a house, and when I hollered like a lost calf, 
the man came out and we asked him to take us 
in for the night. He looked at us mighty hard, then 
said, ‘Wal, I reckon I kin stand it if you kin.’ So 
we unhitched, went in, and found ’twas only a two- 
room shanty and just swarming with children. He 
had six, from four to eleven years old, and as there 
didn’t seem to be but one bed, me an’ Stony was 
wonderin’ what in thunder would become of us. 

“They gave us supper, good hoe and hominy, the 
best they had, and then the old woman put the 
two youngest kids to bed. They went straight to 
sleep. Then she took those out, laid them over in 
the corner, put the next two to bed, and so on. After 
all the children were asleep on the floor the old folk 
went in the other room and told us we could go to 
bed if we wanted.to, and bein’ powerful tired out, 
we did. 

“Well, sir, the next morning when we woke up 
we were lying over in the corner with the kids, and 
the old man and the old woman had the bed.’’ 

The Lazy Paleface. 

According to a well-known railroad man, inter¬ 
ested in construction in the West, the Indian, who 
himself is not overly fond of work, evinces the great¬ 
est contempt for the indolent white man. To sit by 
and watch the latter toil is to the red man a source 
of never-failing pleasure. 

A number of Blackfeet in Montana were, ac- 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


51 


cording to this railroad man, one day squatting on 
the ground watching a group of laborers who 
were constructing a grade for a branch line in that 
State. In their laconic fashion they were com¬ 
menting upon the workmen and their work, when a 
surveyor, riding on a bicycle, the first the Indians 
had ever seen, came along. He had left the train 
at the last station and was going to the fort, a little 
farther on. 

The Blackfeet watched the wheelman without a 
word until he had passed beyond a hill. Then they 
expressed their sentiments with regard to him. 

“Ugh!” grunted one, “white men heap lazy.” 

“Yes,” assented another, “white man heap lazy. 
Sit down and walk.” 

She Gave Him Hope. 

Twenty-five or thirty years ago the Rev. Charles 
G. Finney, president of Oberlin College, was carry¬ 
ing on a series of revival meetings in Boston. One 
day a gentleman called to see him on business, and 
was admitted by Mr. Finney’s daughter, perhaps 
five years old. 

“Is your father in?” asked the stranger. 

“No,” replied the demure maiden; “but walk in, 
poor, dying sinner! Mother can pray for you.” 

He Had Done His Share. 

He was ten years old and had gone to the den¬ 
tist’s to get one of the last of his “milk teeth” ex¬ 
tracted. It was not a difficult job, and the little 


52 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


fellow never whimpered. Instead, he said to the 
dentist, when the operation was over: 

“Well, we made a good job of that, didn’t we?” 

“We?” replied the dentist. “Why do you say 
‘we’? What did you do?” 

“Why, I held the socket while you pulled the 
tooth, didn’t I?” 

What’s the Use? 

{ “Do you say your prayers in the morning or at 
night?” asked Ted. 

“At night, of course,” answered Rob. “Any¬ 
body can take care of theirselves in the daytime.” 

An Unfair Way. 

John Mitchell, president of the United Mine 
Workers, has been talking about the various 
methods in use at the mines for weighing coal. Of 
one method, a method of the past, he said : 

“This method was long ago abandoned on ac¬ 
count of its unfairness. It was most unfair. The 
fist and pound method, in fact, was scarcely worse. 

“The fist and pound method originated, they say, 
in Scranton. A simple-minded old lady ran a gro¬ 
cery store there. A man came in one day and asked 
for a pound of bacon. The old lady cut off a gen¬ 
erous chunk of bacon, and then, going to weigh it, 
found that she had mislaid her pound weight. 

“ ‘Dear me,’ she said, ‘I can’t find my pound 
weight anywhere.’ 

“The man, seeing that there was about two 
pounds in the chunk cut off, said hastily: 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


53 


“ ‘Never mind. My fist weighs a pound.’ 

“And he put the bacon on one side of the scales 
and his fist on the other. The two, of course, just 
balanced. 

“ ‘It looks kind o’ large for a pound, don’t it?’ 
asked the old lady as she wrapped the bacon up. 

“ ‘It does look large,’ said the man, as he tucked 
the meat under his arm. ‘Still-’ 

“But just then the old lady found her pound 
weight. 

“ ‘Ah,’ she said in a relieved voice, ‘now we can 
prove this business. Put it on here again.’ 

“But the man wisely refrained from putting the 
bacon on the scales to be tested. He put on his fist 
again instead. And his fist, you may be sure, just 
balanced the pound weight. 

“The old lady was much pleased. 

“ ‘Well done,’ she said, ‘and here’s a couple o’ red 
herrin’ for yer skill and honesty.’ ” 

Professional. 

One morning when Rufus Choate, the lawyer, 
was still in England his clerk informed him that a 
gentleman had called and wanted him to under¬ 
take a case. 

“Ah! and did you collect the regular retaining 
fee?” 

“I only collected twenty-five guineas, sir.” 

The regular fee was fifty guineas, and Mr. Choate 
said : 

“But that was unprofessional; yes, very unpro¬ 
fessional!” 



54 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


“But, sir,” said the clerk, apologetically, and 
anxious to exonerate himself from the charge, “I 
got all he had.” 

“Ah!” said Mr. Choate, with a different expres¬ 
sion, “that was professional; yes, quite profes¬ 
sional.” 

Five Minutes for Refreshments. 

George Gould was addressing a delegation of 
railroad brakemen. In the course of an exceed¬ 
ingly interesting speech he said: 

“On the English railways the coaches are cut 
up into a number of small rooms, or compartments. 
The passengers are isolated in these compartments. 
Sometimes, indeed, they are locked in. Their only 
means of communication with the brakeman is an 
electric bell which must never be rung save in an 
emergency or crisis. This bell always stops the 
train and creates immense confusion and alarm. 

“It is a poor system. It is an old-fashioned sys¬ 
tem that often causes trouble. 

“An old lady, very near-sighted, got into a car¬ 
riage one day in which a boy sat. She and the boy 
had the compartment to themselves. The train 
started, the old lady looked about her, and, spying 
the bell, she said to the boy: 

“ ‘Young chap, I ain’t used to railroads; what’s 
that there bell for?’ 

“The boy smiled maliciously. 

“ ‘That’s to ring when you want something to 
eat,’ he said. ‘The road provides lunch.’ 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


55 


“The old lady nodded. A half hour or so went 
by. Then she leaned forward and rang the bell. 

“ 'Instantly the brakes ground down upon the 
wheels. The locomotive whistled. The train 
stopped so suddenly that many people were thrown 
forward to the floor. There were shrieks. Windows 
were lowered and heads protruded. Guards ran 
from carriage to carriage. 

“Finally, a guard approached the old lady’s 
carriage. 

“ ‘Who rang that bell?’ he shouted as he ran 
along. 

“ ‘I did, young man,’ said the old lady. 

“ 'Well, what do you want?’ he asked. 

“She thought a little while. Then she said, 
calmly: 

“ ‘I think you might bring me some chicken 
sandwiches and a bottle of rootbeer.’ 

He Won His Case. 

An Irishman had to go to law, and in consulta¬ 
tion with his counsel he was told that he had a 
good fighting chance. Paddy, who was anxious to 
win the case, was meditative for a moment, and 
then he said: 

“Do you think it would be any good to send the 
judge a pair of ducks?” 

“No, no; you mustn’t do that,” said his lawyer. 
“If you send him a pair of ducks he will be sure to 
decide the case against you.” 

A day or so later the case was heard, and Paddy 


56 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


won with flying colors. In the course of the con¬ 
gratulations Paddy remarked: 

‘‘It was just as well I sent the judge them 
ducks.” 

“What!” exclaimed the counsel, “did you send 
the ducks?” 

“Yes,” said Paddy, quite pleased with himself; 
“but after what you said I sent them from the man 
on the other side.” 

Chalking Up a Race. 

J Two Irishmen were about to run a race to a cer¬ 
tain tree by different routes. Suddenly Mike 
slapped Pat on the back and asked how they were 
to tell who reached the destination first. After a 
moment’s thought Pat answered: 

“I tell yez, Mike, if I get there first I’ll make a 
mark on that tree with this chalk, and if you get 
there first you can rub it out.” 

Perfectly Satisfied. 

A large, slouchy colored man went shuffling down 
the road whistling like a lark. His clothes were 
ragged and his shoes were out at toes and heels, and 
he appeared to be in the depths of poverty for all his 
mirth. 

As he passed a prosperous-looking house a man 
stepped from the doorway and hailed him. 

“Hey, Jim! I got a job for you. Do you want 
to make a quarter?” 

“No, sah,” said the ragged one. “I done got a 
quarter.” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


57 


Unsight, Unseen. 

Secretary Shaw recently told a story on Repre¬ 
sentative Smith, of Iowa, when the latter was a 
fledgling attorney and anxious to make a reputation 
for himself. A prisoner was brought before the bar 
in a criminal court of Iowa, but he was not repre¬ 
sented by a lawyer. 

“Where is your lawyer?” inquired the judge who 
presided. 

“I have none,” responded the prisoner. 

“Why haven’t you?” 

“Haven’t any money to pay a lawyer.” 

“Do you want a lawyer?” asked the judge. 

“Yes, your Honor.” 

“There is Mr. Walter I. Smith, John Brown, 
George Green,” said the judge, pointing to a lot 
of young attorneys who were about the court 
waiting for something to turn up, “and Mr. Alex¬ 
ander is out in the corridor.” 

The prisoner eyed the budding attorneys in the 
courtroom, and after a critical survey stroked his 
chin and said, “Well, I guess I will take Mr. Alex¬ 
ander.” 

Three Good Deeds. 

“My good man,” said the professor of sociology, 
“you seem to be happy; would you mind telling me 
the reason for your happiness?” 

“Oi wud not, sor,” said the Irishman. I hov just 
done three good deeds, and anny man who has per¬ 
formed three good deeds has raisin to be happy.” 


58 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


“Indeed he has,” said the professor; “and may I 
ask what three good deeds you have performed? 

“Well, as Oi was coming past the cathadral this 
morning, I saw a wumman wid a wee bit infant in 
her arms, crying thot hard it would melt the heart av 
a sthone. I asked her phat could be the matther. 
She answered thot for the want av tharee dollars to 
pay the fees she could not get the child baptized, an 
it was sickly child at thot, an’ liable to die soon. I 
felt thot bad for her I pulled out the only tin dollars 
I had, and tould her to go and get the child baptized 
and bring me the change. She went inside re¬ 
joicin’ and soon returned wid her face all smiles, 
give me me change, and went away hapin’ blessin’s 
on me head. Now ain’t thot enough?” 

“That’s good,” said the professor; “now, what 
were the others?” 

“Others?” said the Irishman; “that’s all.” 

“I understood you to say you had performed 
three good deeds.” 

“And so I did, don’t you see? I dried a widow’s 
tears—thot’s wan; I saved a soul from purgatory— 
thot’s two; and lastly, I got sivin good dollars for a 
bad tin, and if thot wouldn’t make you happy thin 
you are hard to plase.” 

A Premium on Cowardice. 

J Several darkies stood on a street corner gossiping. 
The discussion turned to a question of personal 
bravery. 

Jim Judd was the principal expounder along the 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


59 


line of heroic conduct. Unfortunately, Jim’s repu¬ 
tation for courage was not without serious flaws. 
Tiring of his talk, one of the listeners sneeringly 
said: 

“Wha’ yo’ talkin’ ’bout, Jim? Yo’ de bigges’ 
coward in dis town.” 

Jim turned on his accuser, unutterable scorn in 
his voice: 

“Yas, dat’s so. But I’d rudder heah dem say: 
‘Watch dat niggah run!’ dan ‘Don’ he look 
natch’al?’ ” 

Sympathetc. 

The teacher was trying to explain to his scholars 
the term “accidental death” and said, “If in passing 
over a rotten bridge I tumble into the river and am 
drowned, what would you call that?” 

“We would call that a holiday for the next day.” 

Knew the Places. 

In the days of his youth, befo’ de wah, it had been 
the privilege of Uncle Eph Slater to attend his 
master, as body-servant, upon several extended 
journeys. In his later years the old man’s recol¬ 
lections of his travels became his dearest possession, 
and he never tired of relating his experiences to 
anyone who would listen. To mention the name 
of another town or locality was enough to start him 
on his reminiscences, and so jealous did he grow of 
his reputation as a traveler that he always de¬ 
clared he had visited the place in question whether 


60 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


he had or not. It is probable that his ideas as to 
what he had or had not seen were very vague. 

One day an acquaintance, Deacon Thompson, 
met Uncle Eph on the street and told him of the 
arrival in the village of the new schoolma’am 
whose acquirements, he had heard, were of a high 
order. 

u Hm,” said Uncle Eph, “yeh don’ say; yeh don’ 
say. I wunner now hez de young lady had much 
trabbel?” 

“I don’ no ’bout dat,” replied the deacon, “but 
my Lize tells me she dun been troo buttony, alger. 
bar, ’n’ Latin.” 

“Uh-huh!” said Uncle Eph, reflectively, and not 
in the least nonplussed. “I riccolicks dem little 
places, foh sho’; but it was night w’en we passed 
troo ’em, an’ Marse Richard he ’lowed it wuzn’t 
wuth while stoppin’ off.” 

A Church. Meeting. 

The pastor had usually been granted an annual 
vacation of one month, but this year his friends in 
the church believed that he needed a two months’ 
rest, and the matter was being considered at a 
church meeting, where it became evident that 
those who favored the extension of the time were 
in a large majority. 

After considerable discussion, Deacon Smith 
rose to speak. “Brethren,” he said, “you all know 
my feelings about this matter. Believing, as I do, 
in the necessity of thorough church work, I am op- 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


61 


posed to closing our place of worship or to the in¬ 
terruption for any length of time of the regular 
routine. I would, however, suggest, as it seems to 
be the will of the majority that our pastor be given 
a vacation of two months, that in order the least 
harm may come from his prolonged absence, that 
we find out when the devil is going to take his vaca¬ 
tion and have the pastor take his at the same time. 

I move that a committee be appointed to secure 
the necessary information.” 

The motion was not seconded. 

Baptists Need Watching. 

Hal Reid, the celebrated story-teller, gives the 
following account of a sermon he heard in a Ken¬ 
tucky sanctuary from the lips of an eloquent col¬ 
ored Baptist divine, who was known in that vi¬ 
cinity as Brother Jason. Mr. Reid makes the re¬ 
port under oath, and the narrative is worthy of 
more or less credence. Brother Jason, seeing that 
he was with his people, talked thus: 

“Brer’s an’ Sisteren, I gotter grate good news 
disser mawnin’. I dun hadder dream dat I dun 
gotter hebben.” (Sister Dilsey in the amen comely 
“Praise Gord.”) 

“Yasser, I dun hadder dream dat I dun got to 
hebben, an’ whenst I got dar I witnessed many 
sights. I look ’way ober to de norf, an’ I see ’way 
ober in the norf all de Mefodists, in de norf, way 
off from de throne.” (“Glory!” from the congre¬ 
gation.) 


62 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


“Yasser, an’ I look ’way ober to de east, an’ see 
all de Presbuterians ober in de east, ’way off from 
de throne.” (“Ain’t I glad we’s Baptist!” voices 
in the multitude.) 

“Yasser! an’ I look ’way down younder to de 
souf, and see all de Camelites, down in the souf, 
’way off from de throne.” (“De Baptist! Baptist!! 
Baptist!! Where’s de Baptist?” the congregation.) 

“Yasser, an’ I look ’way ober to de west an’ I see 
all de Calf licks way ober in de west, ’way off from 
de throne. An’ I look at de throne, and whatter 
do you reckon I see on de throne? Nuffin’, brers 
and sisters, nuffin’ but Baptist, desser covered wid 
Baptist.” (“Glory! Amen! Bress Gord!” from a 
devout sister.) 

“Yasser! An’ I ax de Lawd why he hab all de 
Baptist on de throne, and de Lawd say—”(“What, 
brer? What?” from the congregation.) 

“He say de Baptist sich onreliable raskals he hab 
to keep ’em wha’ he kin git his hans on ’em.” 

Answered in Advance. 

Ethel, one of New Hampshire’s seven-year-old 
daughters, is devoted to the birds. She was en¬ 
raged at her older brother, whose keenest enjoy¬ 
ment seemed to be to trap them. She pleaded with 
him and scolded him, but all to no effect. So Ethel 
took a new tack. 

When prayer time came the other evening her 
mother heard this final petition added to those 
which dealt directly with the material and spiritual 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


63 


welfare of the family: “An’, dear God, please smash 
all Willie’s nasty traps, for Jesus’ sake, Amen.’’ 

“Ethel, dear,” said her mother seriously, “do you 
really think that last is a nice thing to ask God to 
do? Do you expect him to do such a thing as 
that?” 

Ethel smiled beamingly and answered: “Oh, 
that’ll be all right, muzzer. Jes’ before I corned 
upstairs I smashed ’em all my own self.” 

The Limit. 

A rich man out in the suburbs who owns a large 
place has among the many people employed to 
keep it in shape an Irishman of whom he is par¬ 
ticularly fond, on account of his unconscious wit. 
This Irishman is something of a hard drinker, and, 
as his income is limited, he is more particular as 
regards the quantity than the quality of his liquids. 
The other day the employer, who had been await¬ 
ing a good opportunity, remarked in a kind tone, 
as the closing sentence of a friendly lecture: 

“Now, Pat, how long do you think you can keep 
on drinking this cheap whiskey?” 

To which Pat instantly replied: 

“All my life if it doesn’t kill me.” 

Sentiment Subject to Change. 

In a recent political fight the reform organization 
in one division enlisted half a dozen Negroes as 
workers. One of the men was particularly zealous, 
but it was suspected that he was prepared to dis- 


64 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


pose of his vote to the side which bid the highest 
for it. 

“Well,” said a reform leader to the Negro the day 
after the machine had held a parade, “I saw you 
in line last night.” 

“Yas, sah; yas, sah,” replied the Negro sheep¬ 
ishly. “Ah needed de money, sah.” 

“Do I understand that your political sentiments 
are subject to change?” 

“Well, sah,” said the darkey, “a little change 
cuts a po’erful figger with my sentiments on elec¬ 
tion day—yas, sah.” 

Hard to be Identified. 

A stranger came into an Augusta bank the other 
day and presented a check for which he wanted 
the equivalent in cash. 

“Have to be identified,” said the clerk. 

The stranger took a bunch of letters from his 
pocket, all addressed to the same name as that on 
the check. 

The clerk shook his head. 

The man thought a minute and pulled out his 
watch, which bore the name on its inside cover. 

Clerk hardly glanced at it. 

The man dug into his pockets and found one of 
those “ If-I-should-die-to-night-please-notify-my- 
wife” cards, and called the clerk’s attention to the 
description, which fitted to a T. 

But the clerk was still obdurate. 

“Those things don’t prove anything,” he said. 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


65 


“We’ve got to have the word of a man that we 
know.” 

“But, man, I’ve given you an identification that 
would convict me of murder in any court in the 
land.” 

“That’s probably very true,” responded the 
clerk, patiently, “but in matters connected with 
the bank we have to be more careful.” 

Pinched the Wrong Knee. 

The late Archbishop of Canterbury was for 
many years fearful of a stroke of paralysis. 

Seated at the right of Countess T-at a bril¬ 

liant banquet, he startled the guests by arising and 
remarking: 

“Brethren, it has come at last—that which I 
have feared for forty years—a stroke of paralysis. 
I have been pinching my knee for the last twenty 
minutes and can’t find the least sensation there.” 

“Pardon me,” said the Countess, “but it was my 
knee that you were pinching.” 

Out of Danger. 

Doctor Whipple, long bishop of Minnesota, was 
about to hold religious services near an Indian vil¬ 
lage in one of the Western States, and before going 
to the place of meeting asked the chief, who was his 
host, whether it was safe for him to leave his effects 
unguarded in the lodge. 

“Plenty safe,” grunted the red man. “No white 
man in a hundred miles from here.” 

5 



66 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Ma’s Way. 

Little Lola, aged five, upon being shown her twin 
brothers that had arrived the night before, said: 

“Well, I never saw such a woman as mamma is 
for hunting up bargains.” 

Was Well Fixed. 

One of the churches in a little western town is so 
fortunate as to have a young woman as its pastor.\ 
She was called to the door of the parsonage one day 
and saw there a much-embarrassed young farmer 
of the German type. 

“Dey said der minister lifed in dis house,” he 
said. 

“Yes,” replied the fair pastor. 

“Veil—m—I vant to kit merrit!” 

“To get married? Very well, I can marry you,” 
said the ministress encouragingly. 

“Oh, but I got a girl alreaty,” was the discon¬ 
certing reply. 

The Notable Mrs. Noah. 

A clergyman happened to tell his son one Satur¬ 
day what lesson he would read in church the 
next morning. The boy got hold of his father’s 
Bible, found the lesson’s place, and glued together 
the connecting pages. 

In consequence the clergyman read to his flock 
the following day that “when Noah was 120 years 
old he took unto himself a wife, who was”—here 
he turned the page—“140 cubits long, 40 cubits 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


67 


wide, built of gopher wood, and covered with pitch 
in and out.” 

After reading the passage, the clergyman read it 
again to verify it. Then, pushing back his spec¬ 
tacles, he looked gravely at the congregation and 
said: 

“My friends, this is the first time I ever read that 
in the Bible, but I accept it as evidence of the asser¬ 
tion that we are fearfully and wonderfully made.” 

One on the Boarder. 

A New Yorker, who is accustomed each year to 
pass a few weeks with a farmer in Dutchess County, 
says that once in notifying the latter of his inten¬ 
tion to make the usual visit, he wrote as follows: 

“There are several little matters that I should 
like to see changed if my family and I decide to 
spend our vacation at your house. We don’t like 
the girl Martha. And in the second place, we do 
not think that it is sanitary to have a pig-sty so 
near the house.” 

In reply the farmer said: “Martha went last 
week. We ain’t had no hogs since you were here 
last September.” 

Fortunate. 

A notorious mountain moonshiner, familiarly 
known as “Wild Bill,” was recently tried before a 
Federal court in Georgia, and was adjudged guilty. 
Before pronouncing sentence the judge lectured the 
prisoner on his long criminal record, and at last 


68 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


informing him that the court entertained no feeling 
of anger toward him, but felt only unmixed pity, 
sentenced him to spend six years in the Federal 
prison at Atlanta. 

Bill stolidly shifted the quid of tobacco in his 
mouth, and turned to leave the courtroom with the 
marshal. Once outside, the only thing he said was 
this: 

“Well, I suah am glad he wa’n’t mad at me!” 

A Wise Precaution. 

- Little Ethel—“Mamma, don’t people ever get 
punished for telling the truth?” 

Mamma—“No, dear, why do you ask?” 

Little Ethel—“ ’Cause I just tooked the last 
three tarts in the pantry and I thought I’d better 
tell you.” 

Get Their Eyes Open. 

A Democratic mass meeting in the campaign of 
1904 was attended by a small boy, who had four 
young puppies for sale. A man, approaching the 
boy, asked, “Are these Parker pups, my son?” 
“Yes, sir.” “Well, then, ’’said he, “I’ll take these 
two.” 

About a week afterward the Republicans held a 
meeting at the same place, and among the crowd 
was the boy and his two remaining pups. He was 
approached by a Republican and asked, “What 
kind of pups are these you have?” “They’re 
Roosevelt pups, sir.” 

The Democrat who had purchased the first two 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


69 


happened to be in hearing and broke out at the 
boy, “See here, you rascal, didn’t you tell me last 
week that these were Parker pups?” “They were 
Parker pups last week,” said the boy, “but now 
they’ve got their eyes open ” 

His Only Solution. 

Under a tall sycamore in an old-fashioned New 
England graveyard lie the bones of a once-dis¬ 
tinguished lawyer. His grave is marked only with 
a plain headstone containing his name and this 
epitaph: 

“Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.” 

An Irishman invaded the burying-place one 
day and, after reading the epitaph a second time, 
remarked: 

“There must be two men in that grave.” 

The Law of Compensation. 

Bridget had been going out a great deal, and her 
husband Mike was displeased. “Bridget, where do 
ye spend yer toime nights? Ye’re out iv’ry avenin’ 
fur two weeks,” he said. 

“Shut up, Mike! I’m gettin’ an edication,” she 
answered. 

“An’ phwat are ye learnin’?” said her indignant 
husband. 

“Why, to-night we learned about the laws of 
compensation.” 

“Compensation!” said Michael. “What’s that?” 

“Why, I can’t explain; but, fur instance, if the 


70 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


sense of smell is poor, the sense of thaste is all the 
sharper, and if yez are blind, ye can hear all the 
better.” 

“Ah, yes,” said Mike, thoughtfully, “I see it’s 
loike this. Fur instance, if a man is born wid wan 
leg shorter than the other, the other is longer.” 

Joshua, the Wonder-Worker. 

Judge Emory Speer, who presides with grace, 
dignity, and ability in the United States Court for 
the Southern District of Georgia, has a fund of 
humor that not infrequently manifests itself upon 
the bench. Occasionally, some old darky of the 
ante-bellum type is before him for an offense, and 
usually there follows a dialogue that causes a smile 
around the courtroom. 

Illicit distilling is not so prevalent in Judge 
Speer’s district as it formerly was, but it is not in¬ 
frequently the case that a distiller of “mountain 
dew” appears before him to have sentence passed. 
One such offender recently was Joshua King, an 
old Negro. Joshua had been caught in the act by 
the revenue officers, and there was nothing for him 
to do save plead guilty. 

Shambling before the bar of justice, the old 
Negro awaited the judgment of the court. His 
Honor regarded the old darky for a moment, as 
though deliberating what punishment should be 
meted out to him. Then, as though his memory 
had finally solved a point upon which it had been at 
fault, the judge said: “Joshua, Joshua: why, Joshua, 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


71 


you are the man who made the sun stand still, aren’t 
you?” 

Joshua’s Biblical education, unlike that of most 
darkies of his class, had been neglected. “No, sir, 
judge, please yo’ Honor,” he said; “I’se de man 
what made de moonshine.” 

Doctor and Hearse. 

v* A Washington physician was recently walking 
on Connecticut Avenue with his five-year-old son, 
when they were obliged to stop at a side street to 
await the passing of a funeral procession. 

The youngster had never seen anything of the 
kind. His eyes widened. Pointing to the hearse, 
he asked, “Dad, what’s that?” 

“That, my son,” said the physician, with a grim 
smile, “is a mistaken diagnosis.” 

Everybody Pay Up. 

A Negro preacher, whose supply of hominy and 
bacon was running low, decided to take radical 
steps to impress upon his flock the necessity for 
contributing liberally to the church exchequer. 
Accordingly, at the close of the sermon he made an 
impressive pause, and then proceeded as follows: 

“I hab found it necessary, on account ob de 
astringency ob de hard times an’ de gineral de¬ 
ficiency ob de circulatin’ mejum in connection wid 
dis church, t’ interduce ma new ottermatic ejec¬ 
tion box. It is so arranged dat a half dollah or 
quahtah falls on a red plush cushion without noise; 


72 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


a nickel will ring a small bell distinctually heard by 
de congregation, an a suspendah-button, ma fel¬ 
low mawtels, will fiah off a pistol; so you will gov’n 
yo’selves accordingly. Let de election now 
p’oceed, w’ile I takes off ma hat an’ gibs out a 
hymn.” 

The Majesty of the Family. 

Everyone who has lived South knows that pe¬ 
culiar brand of loyalty among old servants that 
expresses itself in a profound conviction that their 
family is the “fust family.” Consequently every 
Southern town and city is still full of “fust fami¬ 
lies.” 

This particular “fust family” was making its 
annual pilgrimage to the White Sulphur Springs, 
the great coach laden with children and trunks as 
well as the mistress, with her nearest and dearest 
relatives. Old Simon, mindful of the glory of his 
house, and filled with the all-powerful dignity of an 
old retainer, drove the fat coach horses and ad¬ 
monished his small charges, who, wedged in beside 
him on the box, crowded to desperation. 

His master rode on horseback a little distance 
behind the coach, and, as they approached a rail¬ 
road crossing, was astonished to see Simon drive 
calmly before a passing train, which hurled the 
coach one way, horses another, and family and 
trunks in all directions. Galloping up he called to 
his coachman: 

“Simon, you old nigger, didn’t you see that 
train coming?” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


73 


“Yassuh.” 

“You saw it coming, and deliberately drove upon 
the track? What made you do such a crazy thing?” 

“Well, you see, Marse George,” explained that 
bewildered individual, scratching his gray wool, 
“Ah thought when dey see it’s we-all’s ka’idge, 
dey’d stop.” 

Rattled. 

He had been told that he might “ask papa,” and 
he had planned to do so in these words: 

“I dare say that you know, Mr. Rocks, that I 
have been paying your daughter Madge marked 
attention of late, and now I have come to ask her 
hand in marriage. I know that I am a poor man, 
but I am an honorable one, and I am not afraid to 
work. We are willing to fight the battle of life as 
bride and groom, pilgrims of life, together. I love 
your daughter devotedly, and I have come to ask 
your consent to make her my wife.” 

That sounded all right when he read it for the 
fiftieth time from the sheet of paper on which he 
had written it; but this was what he really said 
when he stood before Mr. Rocks, with his teeth 
chattering and beads of cold perspiration on his 
brow: 

“I—I—dare say that—that is, Mr. Rocks, I—I— 
your daughter Madge has been paying me marked 
attention—er, no, I have been paying her marked 
attention, and I—I—we are willing to fight—or 
the battle of life—I mean that your daughter seeks 


74 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


my hand in marriage, er, no, I—I—seek her hand 
in marriage and—and—I love you—or no, your 
daughter I mean she—she—that is, I I have 
come to ask your consent to be my wife—that is, 
I—love you devotedly—your daughter I mean— 
she loves me devotedly—no, I mean that I love her 
—and she—she—I trust I make my meaning 
clear, sir.” 

Defined. 

“You have a model husband,” said the lady who 
was congratulating the bride. 

The next day the bride bethought her to look up 
the word “model” in the dictionary, and this is 
what she found: “Model: A small imitation of the 
real thing.” 

Meeting Temptations Half-way. 

Little Tommy had been forbidden to swim in the 
river, owing to the danger. One day he came home 
with unmistakable signs of having been in the 
water. His mother scolded him severely. 

“But I was tempted so badly, mother,” said 
Tommy. “That’s all very well. But how’d you 
come to have your bathing suit with you?” 

Tommy paused, and then said: 

“Well, mother, I took my bathing suit with me, 
thinking I might be tempted.” 

Gratitude. 

Thief (acquitted of stealing a watch, to his advo¬ 
cate)—“I thank you, sir, from the bottom of my 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


75 


heart. I have no money to pay you; but here is the 
watch; take it; it is the best I can do for you, and 
I may have another job for you soon.” 

Comforting. 

A lady who had recently moved to the suburbs 
was very fond of her first brood of chickens. Going 
out one afternoon, she left the household in charge 
of her eight-year-old boy. Before her return a 
thunderstorm came up. The youngster forgot the 
chicks during the storm, and was dismayed, after 
it passed, to find that half of them had been 
drowned. Though fearing the wrath to come, he 
thought best to make a clean breast of the calam¬ 
ity, rather than leave it to be discovered. 

“Mamma,” he said contritely, when his mother 
had returned—“Mamma, six of the chickens are 
dead.” 

“Dead!” cried his mother. “Six! How did they 
die?” 

The boy saw his chance. 

“I think—I think they died happy,” he said. 

Her Idea of Remembrance. 

A Southern man tells of a conversation he over¬ 
heard between his cook and a maid, both Negroes, 
with reference to a recent funeral of a member of 
their race, at which funeral there had been a pro¬ 
fusion of floral tributes. Said the cook: 

“Dat’s all very well, Mandy; but when I dies, I 
don’t want no flowers on my grave; jes’ plant a good 


76 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


old watermelon vine; an’ when she gits ripe, you 
come dar, an’ don’t you eat it, but just bust it on 
de grave, an’ let de good old juice dribble down 
thro’ de ground!” 

Married? 

Judge Black, a justice of the peace in Oklahoma, 
was called upon to perform the marriage ceremony 
for a young couple of Guthrie. 

The judge, who until a short time before had 
gained his legal knowledge in a neighboring State, 
where ministers officially officiate on such occa¬ 
sions, was at a loss to know how to proceed. How¬ 
ever, he arose to the occasion. Commanding the 
couple to stand up, he directed that they be sworn 
in the following terms: 

“Do you solemnly swear that you will obey the 
Constitution of the United States and the Constitu¬ 
tion of the Territory of Oklahoma, and perform the 
duties of your office to the best of your ability, so 
help you God?” 

The couple nodded assent. Then, continued the 
judge, “By the power in me vested by the strong 
arm of the law I pronounce you man and wife, now, 
henceforth, and forever, and you will stand com¬ 
mitted until the fines and costs are paid, and may 
the Lord have mercy on your souls!” 

Wit and Humor. 

A colored preacher, when asked to define perse¬ 
verance, said: “It means, firstly, to take hold; sec¬ 
ondly, to hold on; thirdly, to nebber leave go.” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


77 


Why She Sang the Hymn. 

A well-known bishop relates that while on a re¬ 
cent visit to the South he was in a small country 
town, where, owing to the scarcity of good serv¬ 
ants, most of the ladies preferred to do their own 
work. 

He was awakened quite early by the tones of a 
soprano voice singing “Nearer, My God, to Thee.” 
As the bishop lay in bed he meditated upon the 
piety which his hostess must possess which en¬ 
abled her to go about her task early in the morning 
singing such a noble hymn. 

At breakfast he spoke to her about it, and told 
her how pleased he was. 

“Oh, law,” she replied, “that’s the hymn I boil 
the eggs by; three verses for soft and five for hard.” 

Couldn’t Get at It. 

An Irishman who had just united with the Catho¬ 
lic church in a small town was careless enough to 
let the priest catch him coming out of a saloon with 
a jug under his arm. The priest waited for him to 
come by and said: 

“Pat, what is it you have in that jug?” 

“Whisky, sor,” answered Pat. 

“Whom does it belong to?” asked the good man. 

“To me and me brudder Moike, sor.” 

“Well, say, Pat, pour yours out and be a good 
man.” 

“I can’t, sor; mine’s on the bottom,” answered 
Pat. 


78 CANNED LAUGHTER 

The Navy? 

A colored Methodist preacher asked a friend why 
he didn’t join the army of the Lord. 

“I has—I belongs to the Baptist church.” 

“Dat ain’t de army; dat’s de navy!” 

Nobody Lost? 

Sand Bar Ferry, near Augusta, Georgia, is a 
flatboat affair, frail and rickety. Two timid ladies, 
hesitating to cross, plied the Negro boatman with 
questions about it. 

“And are you perfectly sure no one has ever 
been lost here?” they demanded. 

“No, missus,” replied the ferryman. “No one 
ain’t never been lost here. Marse Jake Bristow 
done got spilled out and drownded last week, but 
dey found him again next day. We ain’t never 
lost nobody, no ma’am.” 

The Eternal Lottery. 

Governor Vardaman, of Mississippi, tells an 
amusing instance of the Negro’s attitude toward 
matrimony. 

A darkey clergyman in the State named had 
married two Negroes; and after the ceremony the 
groom asked, “How much yo’ charge fo’ dis?” 

“I usually leave that to the groom,” was the 
reply. “Sometimes I am paid five dollars, some¬ 
times ten, sometimes less.” 

“Five dollahs is a lot o’ money, pahson,” said the 
groom. “Ah’ll give yo’ two dollars, and den ef 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


79 


ah fins ah ain’t got cheated, ah’ll give yo’ mo’ in a 
monf.” 

In the stipulated time the groom returned. 
“Pahson,” said he, “dis here arrangement’s a kind 
o’ spec’lashum, an’ ah reckon youse got de worst 
of it. Ah figgers that yo’ owes me a dollah an’ 
seventy-five cents.” 

His Favorite Parable. 

A country clergyman on his round of visits inter¬ 
viewed a youngster as to his acquaintance with 
Bible stories. 

“My lad,” he said, “you have, of course, heard 
of the parables?” 

“Yes, sir,” shyly answered the boy, whose 
mother had inducted him in sacred history. “Yes, 
sir.” 

“Good!” said the clergyman. “Now which of 
them do you like the best of all?” 

The boy squirmed, but at last, heeding his 
mother’s frowns, he replied: 

“I guess I like that one where somebody loafs and 
fishes.” 

What Would You Infer? 

A theological student was sent one Sunday to 
supply a vacant pulpit in a Connecticut valley 
town. A few days after he received a copy of the 
weekly paper of that place with the following item 
marked: 

“Rev. 


-, of the senior class at Yale Semi- 



80 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


nary, supplied the pulpit at the Congregational 
church last Sunday, and the church will now be 
closed three weeks for repairs.” 

His Attorney. 

A man arrested for murder was assigned a 
shyster whose crude appearance caused the un¬ 
fortunate prisoner to ask the judge: 

“Is this my lawyer?” 

“Yes,” replied his Honor. 

“Is he going to defend me?” 

“Yes.” 

“If he should die, could I have another?” 

“Yes.” 

“Can I see him alone in the back room for a few 
minutes?” 

Merely Necessary Precautions. 

The sexton of a “swell colored church” in Rich¬ 
mond was closing the windows one blustery Sun¬ 
day morning during service when he was beckoned 
to the side of a young Negress, the widow of a cer¬ 
tain Thomas. 

“Why is yo’ shettin’ dose winders, Mr. Jones?” 
she demanded in a hoarse whisper. “De air in dis 
church is suff’catin’ now!” 

“It’s de minister’s orders,” replied the sexton, 
obstinately. “It’s a cold day, Mis’ Thomas, an’ 
we ain’t goin’ to take no chance on losin’ any o’ 
de lambs of dis fold while dere’s a big debt over- 
hangin’ dis church.” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


81 


His Advantage. 

Two Irishmen were digging a sewer. One of 
them was a big, strong man about six feet four 
inches in height, and the other one was a little 
puny man about four feet six inches. The foreman 
came along to see how the work was progressing, 
and noticed that one of them was doing more work 
than the other. “Look here,” he cried, “how is it 
that little Dennis Dugan, who is only half your 
size, is doing nearly twice as much work as you, 
Patrick?” Glancing down to his partner, Pat re¬ 
plied: “And why shouldn’t he? Ain’t he nearer 
to it?” 

Wise Beyond His Years. 

The inspector in an English school asked the 
boys he was examining, “Can you take your warm 
overcoat off?” “Yes, sir,” was the response. “Can 
the bear take his warm overcoat off?” “No, sir.” 
“Why not?” There was silence for a while, and 
then a little boy spoke up, “Please, sir, because God 
alone knows where the buttons are.” 

Not His Fault. 

A first-grade boy brought perfect spelling papers 
home for several weeks, and then suddenly began 
to miss five and six out of ten. 

“How’s this, son?” asked his father. 

“Teacher’s fault,” replied the boy. 

“How is it the teacher’s fault?” 

“She moved the little boy that sat next to me.” 

6 


82 CANNED LAUGHTER 

Correct. 

When Theodore Roosevelt was Police Commis¬ 
sioner in New York he asked an applicant for a po¬ 
sition on the force: 

“If you were ordered to disperse a mob, what 
would you do?” 

“Pass around the hat, sir,” was the reply. 

Reversed Himself. 

“What’s the trouble now?” demanded his em¬ 
ployer, when the office-boy came in half an hour 
late. 

“The ice on the pavements,” said the lad. 
“Every step I took I slipped back two.” 

“You did, eh? Then how did you ever get 
here?” 

“I started back home.” 

Cheering. 

/ Mother (in a very low voice)—“Tommy, your 
grandfather is very sick. Can’t you say something 
nice to cheer him up a bit?” 

Tommy (in an earnest voice)—“Grandfather, 
wouldn’t you like to have soldiers at your funeral?” 

In Her Favor. 

First Little Girl—“Your papa and mamma are 
not real parents. They adopted you.” 

Second Little Girl—“Well, that makes it all the 
more satisfactory. My parents picked me out, and 
yours had to take you just as you came.” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 83 

Sure Sign. 

One day a teacher was having first-grade class in 
physiology. She asked them if they knew that 
there was a burning fire in the body all of the time. 
One little girl spoke up and said: 

“Yes’em, when it is a cold day I can see the 
smoke.” 

The Peacemaker. 

“What are you running for, sonny?” asked the 
village grocer. 

Boy: “I’m tryin’ to keep two fellers from fightin’.” 

“Who are the fellows?” 

“Bill Perkins and me!” 

Had Her Own. 

“Can you be trusted with a secret?” he asked. 

The woman drew herself up proudly. 

“You have known me for ten years, haven’t 
you?” she replied. 

“Yes.” 

“Do you know how old I am?” 

He Knew. 

“Do you know the value of an oath?” asked the 
judge of an old darkey who was to be the next wit¬ 
ness. 

“Yes, sah, I does. One ob dese yeah lawyers done 
gib me foah dollars for to swear to suffin’. Dat’s 
de value of an oath. Foah dollars, sah.” And then 
there was consternation in the courtroom. 


84 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


His Future Occupation. 

^ “What business is papa in, mamma?” 

“Why, he is a tea sampler: he samples the dif¬ 
ferent kinds of teas.” 

“Mamma.” 

“Yes, my boy.” 

“Do you know what I want to be when I grow 
up?” 

“No. What, my boy?” 

“A pie sampler!” 

A Bootless Argument. 

In a Glasgow car was an aged Irishman who held 
a pipe in his mouth. The conductor told him he 
could not smoke, but he paid no heed. Presently 
the guard came into the car and said with a show of 
irritation, “Didn’t I tell you you couldn’t smoke in 
this car?” “Well, Oi’m not smoking.” “You’ve 
got a pipe in your mouth.” “So Oi have me feet in 
me boots,” replied Pat, “but Oi’m not walking.” 

Her Way. 

“I wouldn’t cry like that if I were you,” said a 
lady to little Alice. 

“Well,” said Alice between her sobs, “you can 
cry any way you like, but this is my way.” 

He Knew. 

“Are you in pain, my little man?” asked the kind 
old gentleman. “No,” answered the boy, “the 
pain’s in me.” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


85 


Fame. 

The incumbent of an old church in Wales asked 
a party of Americans to visit his parochial school. 
After a recitation he invited them to question the 
scholars, and one of the party accepted the invi¬ 
tation. “Little boy,” said he to a rosy-faced lad, 
“can you tell me who George Washington was?” 

“Iss, surr,” was the smiling reply. “ ’E was a 
’Merican gen’ral.” 

“Quite right. And can you tell me what George 
Washington was remarkable for?” 

“Iss, surr, ’E was remarkable ’cos ’e was a 
’Merican an’ told the trewth.” The rest was si¬ 
lence. 

A Youthful Experiment. 

“What on earth are you doing with that little 
watering can, Tom?” 

“Spwinkling the baby’s head so his hair’ll 
sprout.” 

Aimed at Him. 

A gentleman who was buying a turkey from old 
Uncle Ephraim asked him, in making the purchase, 
if it was a tame turkey. 

“Oh, yais, sir; its a tame tu’key all right.” 

“Now, Ephraim, are you sure it’s a tame tur¬ 
key?” 

“Oh, yais, sir; dere’s no so’t o’ doubt ’bout dat. 
It’s a tame tu’key all right.” 

He consequently bought the turkey, and a day 


86 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


or two later, when eating it, came across several 
shot. Later on, when he met old Ephraim on the 
street, he said, “Well, Ephraim, you told me that 
was a tame turkey, but I found some shot in it 
when I was eating it.” 

“Oh, dat war a tame tu’key all right,” was Uncle 
Ephraim’s reiterated rejoinder; “but de fac’ is, boss, 
I’se gwine to tell yer in confidence dat dem ’ere 
shot was intended for me.” 

And Then the Fun Began. 

Wifie—“Be sure and advertise for Fido in the 
morning newspapers.” 

Next day the wife read as follows in the news¬ 
papers : 

“Lost—A mangy lapdog, with one eye and no 
tail. Too fat to walk. Answers to the name of 
Fido. If returned stuffed, large reward.” 

The Canny Scot. 

For once the American had discovered some¬ 
thing British that was better than anything they 
could produce “across the pond.” His discovery 
was a fine collie dog, and he at once tried to induce 
its owner, an old shepherd, to sell it. 

“Wad ye be takin’ him to America?” inquired 
the old Scot. 

“Yes, I guess so,” said the Yankee. 

“I thocht as muckle,” said the shepherd. “I 
couldna pairt wi’ Jock.” 

But while they sat and chatted an English 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


87 


tourist came up, and to him the shepherd sold the 
collie for much less than the American had offered. 

“You told me you wouldn’t sell him,” said the 
Yankee, when the purchaser had departed. 

“Na,” replied the Scot; “I said I couldna’ pairt 
wi’ him. Jock’ll be back in a day or so, but he 
couldna’ swim the Atlantic.” 

Yes? 

A widower who was married recently for the 
third time, and whose bride had been married once 
before herself, wrote across the bottom of the 
wedding invitations: “Be sure and come; this is no 
amateur performance.” 

Sometimes True. 

On leaving his study, which is in the rear of the 
church, the pastor of a church in Brooklyn saw a 
little boy, a friend of his, talking to a stranger. 

“What was be saying to you, Dick?” asked the 
divine as he came up to the youngster. 

“He just wanted to know whether Dr. Blank 
was the preacher of this church.” 

“And what did you tell him?” 

“I told him,” responded the lad, with dignity, 
“that you were the present encumbrance.” 

Glad He Stopped Praying. 

' Little Bob, who for some months had invariably 
ended his evening prayer with “Please send me a 
baby brother,” announced to his mother that he 


88 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


was tired of praying for what he did not get, and 
that he did not believe God had any more little 
boys to send. 

Not long afterward he was carried into his 
mother’s room very early in the morning to see twin 
boys who had arrived in the night. Bob looked 
at the two babies critically, and then remarked, 
"It’s a good thing I stopped praying, or there’d 
been three of them.” 


Do You? 

A gentleman met his medical adviser on the 
street the other day and passed a friendly greeting. 

"Well, and how are you?” asked the doctor. 

"Quite passable, thanks,” said the other, "but I 
notice that when I bend my body forward, stretch 
out my arms horizontally, and impart to them a 
circular motion, I always feel such a pain in my left 
shoulder.” 

"But what need is there for you to perform such 
ridiculous antics?” inquired the physician. 

"Do you know any other way, doctor, of getting 
on your top-coat?” replied his patient. 

Aunt Mahaly’s Expedient. 

/ "These stockings are so full of holes that they 
are worthless, Aunt Mahaly,” said a lady to an old 
colored woman with a large family, who was a pen¬ 
sioner of her family. 

"No’m, dey ain’t,” replied Aunt Mahaly, 
calmly appropriating them. "Rastus en’ Verbena 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


89 


got such black laigs dat de holes won’t show no¬ 
how, en’ dem chilluns what got yaller meat kin 
wear two pairs at de same time; en’ you knows, 
Mis’ Jo, dat de holes in all dem stockings ain’t 
gwine hit de same places.” 

Mr. Green’s Waterloo. 

Mr. Green had been paying four dollars a week 
for board; his appetite constantly increased. Fi¬ 
nally his landlady saw that she must either sell out 
and quit or raise her boarder’s rate. One day, after 
watching him feverishly devouring plateful after 
plateful, she plucked up courage and said: 

“Mr. Green, I shall have to raise your board to 
five dollars.” 

Mr. Green looked up with a start, then in a tone 
of consternation he said: 

“Oh, Mrs. Small, don’t. It’s as much as I can 
do now to eat four dollars’ worth.” 

A Non-Conductor 

A teacher in an East-side school was trying to 
explain some of the simpler phenomena of elec¬ 
tricity, and at the close of her little lecture she 
asked sweetly, “Now, can any of you children give 
me the name of some non-conductor and tell us 
about it in a few words so that we can all under¬ 
stand?” 

A sharp-eyed street urchin jumped up and down 
in his seat waving his grimy paw frantically. “I 
kin, teacher!” he exclaimed. “Billy Hogan’s old 


90 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


man is one. They was a spotter on his car seen him 
knock down a fare. Old Hogan’s a non-conductor 
ever since.” 


A Definite Date. 

During the money stringency lately a certain 
real-estate man, having nothing else for his clerk 
to do, sent him out to collect some rent that was 
overdue. The clerk, being of Swedish nationality, 
had their peculiar twang in his speech. Returning 
from his trip, the Swede seemed very jubilant. The 
proprietor, noticing his smile, said: “Well, what 
luck did you have?” and the clerk answered, 
“Purty good.” 

“Well, did anybody pay you?” 

“Yaas, Smith he pay, and Yones he say he pay 
in Yanuary.” 

“Are you sure Jones said he would pay in Janu¬ 
ary? He never before has made any such prom¬ 
ises.” 

“Veil, I tank so. He say it bane a dam col’ day 
when you get dot money, and I tank dat bane in 
Yanuary.” 

An Epidemic. 

Every employee of the Bank of England is re¬ 
quired to sign his name in a book on his arrival in 
the morning, and if late, must give the reason 
therefor. The chief cause of tardiness is usually 
fog, and the first man who arrives writes “fog” 
opposite his name, and those who follow write 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


91 


“ditto.” The other day, however, the first late 
man gave as the reason, “wife had twins,” and 
twenty other late men mechanically signed “ditto” 
underneath. 


The Rugged Edge. 

Peripatetic Peter went for two days with almost 
nothing to eat before he struck a farmhouse near 
Newark, New Jersey, where a reluctant housewife 
at last handed him out a big, square sandwich of 
hard ham and stale bread. A little while later a 
companion found him writhing in pain upon a con¬ 
venient hayrick. 

“Wha’s de trouble, Pete?” he inquired. 

“De hardest luck ever,” was Pete’s reply, “Eve 
just had a square meal—an’ de corners are 
scratchin’ me!” 

Not Just What He Expected. 

As the brisk philanthropist thrust her fare into 
the cab-driver’s hand she saw that he was wet and 
apparently cold after the hour of pouring rain. 
“Do you ever take anything when you get soaked 
through?” she asked. 

“Yes, ma’am,” said the cabman, with humility, 
“I generally do.” . 

“Wait here in the vestibule,” commanded the 
philanthropist. She inserted her house key in the 
lock, opened the door and vanished, to reappear a 
moment later. 

“Here,” she said, putting a small envelope in the 


92 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


man’s outstretched hand. ‘These are two-grain 
quinine pills, you take two of them now and two 
more in half an hour.” 

Home, Sweet Home. 

^ “Yes, suh,” said Brother Dickey, “my race what 
wants to live in Illinois kin go dar, how an’ w’en dev 
likes, but ez fur me, I’ll stay whar I is—mongst de 
folks I raise an’ bo’n wid, an* ef I is lynched, please 
God, I’ll be lynched by my fren’s!” 

Evidence to Fit. 

When John J. Barrett was new at the San Fran¬ 
cisco bar two Chinamen entered his office and re¬ 
tained him to help prosecute “one velly bad man, 
Jim Hing.” 

Having locked the retainer in the safe, Mr. Bar¬ 
rett inquired what Jim Hing had done. 

“Him velly bad man,” the spokesman replied. 
“Jim Hing kill he wife. He live same alleyway, 
’closs the stleet. Me—my blother—both look out 
window ’closs alleyway, see Jim Hing stabbee wife. 
She die light away. He lun. You hang Jim Hing?” 

“Certainly,” said Mr. Barrett. “But you must 
tell the police just what you saw.” 

“Jim Hing kill wife—” they began, when the 
lawyer interrupted: “Yes, yes, I know; but when 
you first saw Jim was the knife up high or down 
low?” 

“Hoong yeh goyamen zoon fah goon quuong gey 
yoola—” the Chinamen began jabbering and sing- 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


93 


ing at each other, when Mr. Barrett again inter¬ 
rupted : 

“Answer me truthfully. Stop consulting. Was 
the knife up high or down low?” 

The elder Chinaman looked puzzled. Restrain¬ 
ing the impulse to consult his brother again, he 
turned a guileless stare on Mr. Barrett. 

“Which you think best?” he replied. 

The Quick and the Dead. 

“What little boy can tell me the difference be¬ 
tween the ‘quick’ and the ‘dead’?” asked the Sun¬ 
day-school teacher. 

Willie waved his hand frantically. 

“Well, Willie?” 

“Please, ma’am, the ‘quick’ are the ones that get 
out of the way of automobiles, and the ones that 
don’t are the ‘dead.’ ” 


Felicitous. 

An Iowa man says that, shortly after the election 
of a governor of that State some years ago, the 
governor paid an official visit to the State Prison, in 
the course of which he was ushered into the chapel 
where the convicts were assembled in a body. 

Before the governor could realize what was going 
on, the chaplain had presented him to the company, 
with the remark that he would doubtless have 
something to say. 

“But, my dear sir,” whispered the startled 
governor, “I haven’t anything to say, and I couldn’t 


94 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


say it if I had! You know what a wretched speaker 
I am!” 

The chaplain could only reply, “I beg your par¬ 
don, sir, for being so premature, but as I have com¬ 
mitted you so decidedly, I see no way out of it, and 
feel confident that you will not mind addressing a 
few remarks to the men.” 

Whereupon, with a sigh of apprehension, the 
governor delivered himself as follows: 

“Ladies and gentlemen!—No, no, I don’t mean 
that—gentlemen and fellow citizens! No, I don’t 
exactly mean that either—but—but—well, men 
and fellow prisoners, I can’t make a speech; I—I 
don’t know how to make a speech—and so—so— 
well, about all I can say, is that—that I’m very 
glad to see so many of you here!” 

Evidence Lacking. 

Master—“What part of speech is the word 
‘egg’?” 

Boy—“Noun, sir.” 

Master—“Is it masculine, feminine, or neuter?” 

Boy—(perplexed)—“Can’t tell, sir.” 

Master—“Is it masculine, feminine, or neuter?” 

Boy (looking sharp)—“Can’t tell, sir, till it’s 
hatched.” 

Plenty of Time. 

/ A minister of a certain parish in Scotland was 
walking one misty night through a street in the vil¬ 
lage when he fell into a deep hole. There was no 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


95 


ladder by which he could make his escape, and he 
began to shout for help. A laborer passing heard 
his cries, and, looking down, asked who he was. 
The minister told him, whereupon the laborer re¬ 
marked, “Weel, weel, ye needna kick up sic a noise. 
You’ll no be needed afore Sawbath, an’ this is only 
Wednesday nicht.” 

A Business Forecast. 

A doctor who passed as a bit of a wag stopped 
outside the yard of a stonemason one morning for a 
chat. “Good morning. How’s business?” said 
the doctor. “I suppose when you hear that some¬ 
one is ill you get ready for eventualities, though, of 
course, you never go beyond the words, 'In memory 
of’.” 

“Well, that all depends,” replied the old chap. 
“You see, if you be a-doctoring of the patient I 
goes straight on.” 

He Knew. 

A school teacher was endeavoring to convey the 
idea of pity to the members of his class. “Now, 
supposing,” he said, “a man working on the river 
bank suddenly fell in. He could not swim and 
would be in danger of drowning. Picture the scene, 
boys and girls. The man’s sudden fall, the cry for 
help. His wife, knowing his peril and hearing his 
screams, rushes immediately to the bank. Why 
does she rush to the bank?” 

After a pause, a small voice piped forth: 

“Please, sir, to draw his insurance money.” 




96 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


No Disappointment Here. 

A man who had been convicted of stealing was 
brought before a certain “down-east” judge, well 
known for his tender-heartedness, to be sentenced. 

“Have you ever been sentenced to imprison¬ 
ment?” asked the judge not unkindly. 

“Never!” exclaimed .the prisoner, suddenly burst¬ 
ing into tears: 

“Well, well, don’t cry, my man,” said his Honor, 
consolingly; “you’re going to be now.” 

Suspicion. 

The Widow (at the washtub, to suitor)—“Is yo’ 
sho’ yo’ lubs me?” 

Sammy—“Co’se I’s sho’.” 

The Widow (suspiciously)—“Yo’ ain’t los’ yo’r 
job, is yo’?” 

A Calamitous Catastrophe. 

f 

Master—“I’m sorry to hear, Pat, that your 
wife is dead.” 

Patrick—“Faith an’ it is a sad day for us all, 
sir! The hand that rocked the cradle has kicked 
the bucket.” 


Embarrassing. 

A colored woman of Alexandria, Virginia, was 
on trial before a magistrate of the town charged 
with inhuman treatment of her offspring. Evidence 
was clear that the woman had severely beaten the 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


97 


youngster, aged some nine years, who was in court 
to exhibit his battered condition. 

Before imposing sentence, his Honor asked the 
woman whether she had anything to say. 

“Kin I ask yo’ Honah a question?” inquired the 
prisoner. 

The judge nodded affirmatively. 

“Well, then yo’ Honah, I’d like to ask yo’ 
whether yo’ was ever the parent of a puffectly 
wuthless collud chile?” 

Merely Preparing for the Inevitable. 

“They tell me you are working hard night and 
day since you were up before the magistrate for 
pushing your husband about, Mrs. Robinson.” 

“Yes. The magistrate said if I came before him 
again he’d fine me forty shillings.” 

“And so you’re working hard to keep out of mis¬ 
chief?” 

“What?—I’m working hard to save up the fine.” 

Couldn’t Account for It. 

Mrs. Goggs—“What do you think ails my hus¬ 
band, doctor?” 

Physician—“Well, as a matter of fact, his com¬ 
plaint is hereditary. He has—” 

Mrs. Goggs—“That’s queer; I’m sure I can’t 
imagine where he could have caught it. There 
hasn’t been a case of hereditary in the neighbor¬ 
hood since we moved here—and that’s been nearly 
a year.” 


98 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Pure Milk. 

A city man took a house in the country for the 
summer. He sought out a farmer at once, looked 
over the cows on the farm, found them to his liking, 
and said: 

“My servant will come to you every morning for 
a quart of milk.” 

“All right,” said the farmer, “it will be eight 
cents.” 

“But it must be pure milk, mind,” said the city 
man; “absolutely pure.” 

“In that case it will cost you ten cents.” 

“Very good. And you will milk the quart from 
the cow in my servant’s presence?” 

“Yes—for fifteen cents.” 

Why She Declined. 

“Really,” said the stylish lady, enthusiastically, 
to her friend, “it is quite worth while going to the 
Zoo if only to see the wonderful display of rhodo¬ 
dendrons.” 

“Is it?” replied her friend, languidly; “I like to 
look at the great big clumsy beasts, too, but it 
always smells so unpleasantly round the cages.” 

Business Letter? 

The following was written to a Tokyo business 
man by one of his clerks requesting a few more 
days’ holiday because of sickness: 

“Honored Sir: Having been amputated from my 
family for several months, and as I have complaints 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


99 


of the abdomen, coupled with great conflagration 
of the internals, with entire prostration from all de¬ 
sire to work, I beg to be excused from orderly work 
for ten or nine more days, and in duty bound I will 
pray for the salubrity of your temper and the en¬ 
largement of your family. 

Not Bad. 

A boy was asked to explain the difference be¬ 
tween animal instinct and human intelligence. 
“If we had instinct,’' he said, “we should know 
everything we needed to know without learning 
it, but we’ve got reason, so we have to study 
ourselves ’most blind or be a fool.” 

Prepared. 

v Georgia Lawyer (to colored prisoner)—“Well, 
Ras, so you want me to defend you. Have you 
any money?” 

Rastus—“No; but I’se got a mule and a few 
chickens, and a hog or two.” 

Lawyer—“Those will do very nicely. Now, let’s 
see; what do they accuse you of stealing?” 

Rastus—“Oh, a mule and a few chickens, and a 
hog or two.” 

He Knew. 

7 Teacher—“Yes, children, when the war broke 

out, all the able-bodied men who could leave their 
families enlisted in the army. Now, can any of 
you tell what motives took them to the front?” 

Bright boy (triumphantly)—“Locomotives.” 


100 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


The Mourner. 

The minister had just been giving the class a 
lesson on the Prodigal Son. At the finish, to test 
what attention had been paid to his teaching, he 
asked, “Who was sorry that the Prodigal had re¬ 
turned?” The most forward youngster in the class 
breathlessly answered, “The fatted calf!” 

Speaking of Slaves. 

On a journey through the South not long ago, 
Wu Ting-fang was impressed by the preponderance 
of Negro labor in one of the cities he visited. 
Wherever the entertainment committee led him, 
whether to factory, store, or suburban plantation, 
all the hard work seemed to be borne by the black 
men. 

Minister Wu made no comment at the time, but 
in the evening, when he was a spectator at a ball 
given in his honor, after watching the waltzing and 
two-stepping for half an hour, he remarked to his 
host: 

“Why don’t you make the Negroes do that for 
you, too?” 

Sound Advice. 

A man advertised recently in a London paper to 
forward, on receipt of postage stamps, “sound, 
practical advice that would be applicable at any 
time and to all persons and conditions of life.” 

On receipt of the stamps, he sent his numerous 
victims the following: 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


101 


“Never give a boy a penny to hold your shadow 
while you climb a tree to look into the middle of 
next week.” 


Convenient. 

“What are marsupials?” asked the teacher, and 
Johnny was ready with his answer: 

“Animals that have pouches in their stomachs,” 
he said glibly. 

“And for what are these pouches used?” asked 
the teacher, ignoring the slight inaccuracy of the 
answer. “Em sure that you know that, too.” 

“Yes’m,” said Johnny, with encouraging prompt¬ 
ness. “The pouches are for them to crawl into and 
conceal themselves when pursued.” 

Ahead of the Funeral. 

The general superintendent of a railroad in Okla¬ 
homa received a telegram from a small station on 
his road asking him to stop one of his fast trains 
there on a certain day to take on a corpse and a 
party of mourners. 

Anxious to oblige, the superintendent gave the 
necessary orders. The train stopped, but there 
was nobody on the station platform but a small 
boy. 

“Hey, Sonny,” shouted the conductor, “where’s 
that corpse and them mourners?” 

“Please, sir,” stammered the boy, “I came down 
to ast you to stop tomorrow ef you will. You see, 
the corpse ain’t dead yit.” 


102 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Nearly Hopeless. 

A doctor came up to a patient in an insane 
asylum, slapped him on the back and said: “Well, 
old man, you’re all right. You can run along and 
write your folks that you’ll be back home in two 
weeks as good as new.” 

The patient went off gaily to write his letter. 
He had it finished and sealed, but when he was lick¬ 
ing the stamp it slipped through his fingers to the 
floor, lighted on the back of a cockroach that was 
passing and stuck. The patient hadn’t seen the 
cockroach—what he did see was his escaped post¬ 
age stamp zigzagging aimlessly across the floor to 
the baseboard, wavering up over the baseboard, 
and following a crooked trail up the wall and across 
the ceiling. In depressed silence he tore up the 
letter that he had just written and dropped the 
pieces on the floor. 

“Two weeks! Hell!” he said. “I won’t be out of 
here in three years.” 

The Cannon Roared. 

While campaigning in his home State, Speaker 
Cannon was once inveigled into visiting the public 
schools of a town where he was billed to speak. 

In one of the lower grades an ambitious teacher 
called upon a youthful Demosthenes to entertain 
the distinguished visitor with an exhibition of 
amateur oratory. The selection attempted was 
Byron’s “Battle of Waterloo”; and just as the boy 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


103 


reached the end of the first paragraph, Speaker 
Cannon suddenly gave vent to a violent sneeze. 

But hush! hark!’ ” declaimed the youngster, 
11 <a deep sound strikes like a rising knell! Did ye 
hear it?’ ” 

The visitors smiled, and a moment later the sec¬ 
ond sneeze—which the Speaker was vainly trying 
to hold back—came with increased violence. 

But hark! bawled the boy, ‘That heavy sound 
breaks in once more, 

And nearer, clearer, deadlier than before! 

Arm! Arm! it is the cannon’s opening roar!” 

This was too much, and the laugh that broke the 
party swelled to a roar when “Uncle Joe” chuckled: 
“Put up your weapons, children, I won’t shoot any 
more.” 


Fear of the Lord. 

A group of aeronauts were telling balloon stories 
in the smoking room of a Chicago hotel. One of 
them gave this: 

“The great Elyot made a balloon ascent from 
Charleston one hot summer afternoon. A thunder¬ 
storm came up. Elyot, amid buckets of rain, the 
roar of thunder, and the flash of lightning, was 
blown about like a thistledown. On toward mid¬ 
night he found himself over a plantation and threw 
out his anchor—a grapnel at the end of a long rope. 

“It happened that a Negro had died in one of the 
huts of this plantation. The funeral was to take 
place in the morning. A dozen friends of the dead 


104 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


man sat in the soft summer night before the hut, 
telling ghost stories. 

“Suddenly, in the darkness above them they 
heard strange noises—a flapping, as of great wings, 
menacing cries. And they saw dimly a formless 
black shape. 

“All but one man ran. This one man, as he 
cowered on his stool, had the ill luck to be seized 
by the grapnel. 

“The grapnel, going at a great pace, whirled him 
up for four or five feet in the air and jerked him 
along at the rate of fifteen miles or so an hour. 

“ ‘Oh, massa, massa,’ he yelled, squirming and 
kicking in that strange flight, Tse not de one! I’se 
not de cawpse! Dick’s in de house dah! In de 
house dah!’ ” 

His Head Was Hard. 

It is a common belief that the Negro's head is 
hard, capable of withstanding almost any blow. 
The following story, told by a prominent young 
dentist of Danville, Illinois, would seem to indicate 
something of the kind anyhow. Two Negro men 
were employed in tearing down a three-story brick 
building. One Negro was on top of the building 
taking off the bricks and sliding them down a nar¬ 
row wooden chute to the ground, some thirty feet 
below, where the other was picking them up and 
piling them. 

When this latter Negro was stooping over to 
pick up a brick the former accidentally let one fall, 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


105 


striking him directly on the head. Instead of its 
killing him, he merely looked up, without rising, 
and said, “What you doin’ thar, you make me bite 
my tongue.” 

A Conundrum. 

Into a general store of a town in Arkansas there 
recently came a colored man complaining that a 
ham which he had purchased there was not good. 

“The ham is all right, Zeph,” insisted the store¬ 
keeper. 

“No, it ain’t, boss,” insisted the Negro. “Dat 
ham’s shore bad.” 

“How can that be,” continued the storekeeper, 
“when it was cured only last week?” 

The Negro scratched his head reflectively, and 
finally suggested: 

“Den mebbe it’s had a relapse.” 

A Restrained Grief. 

Back in the ridges of Tennessee two mountain¬ 
eers got into an argument. Words led to blows, and 
in the fight that followed one of the men was killed. 
A neighbor rode on ahead to the dead man’s cabin 
to prepare his wife. He found her seated at a table 
eating apple dumplings. He broke the sad news to 
her as gently as he could. She listened quietly with 
a dumpling poised in the air half way to her mouth. 
When the neighbor paused she stuffed the dumpling 
into her mouth and said: “You jest wait ’til I 
finish this hyer dumplin’ an’ then you-all ’ll hear 
hollerin’.” 


106 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


The Charity of Youth. 

Not long after the Chelsea fire some children 
in Newton, Massachusetts, held a charity fair by 
which eighteen dollars were realized. This they 
forwarded to the rector of a certain Boston church, 
who had taken a prominent part in the relief work, 
with a letter which read somewhat as follows: “We 
have had a fair and made eighteen dollars. We are 
sending it to you. Please give it to the Chelsea suf¬ 
ferers. Yours truly, etc. P. S.—We hope the suf¬ 
fering is not all over.” 

Tragic. 

The country parson was condoling with the be¬ 
reft widow. 

“Alas!” he continued earnestly, “I cannot tell 
you how pained I was to learn that your husband 
had gone to heaven. We were bosom friends, but 
we shall never meet again.” 

As Willie Saw It. 

Willie, accompanied by his father, was visiting 
a circus and menagerie. “Oh, papa,” the boy ex¬ 
claimed, as they passed before an elephant, “look 
at the big cow with her horns in her mouth eating 
hay with her tail!” 

The Retort Courteous. 

An old darkey wanted to join a fashionable city 
church and the minister, knowing it was hardly 
the thing to do and not wanting to hurt his feelings, 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


107 


told him to go home and pray over it. In a few days 
the darkey came back. “Well, what do you think 
of it by this time?” asked the preacher. “Well, 
sah,” replied the colored man, “Ah prayed, an’ 
prayed, an’ de good Lawd, he says to me, ‘Rastus, 
Ah wouldn’t bodder mah haid about dat no mo. 
Ah’ve been trying to git into dat chu’ch mahse’f 
de las’ twenty yeahs and ah ain’t done had no 
luck.’ ” 


Tit for Tat. 

An Irishman was sitting in a depot smoking 
when a woman came and, sitting down beside him, 
remarked: 

“Sir, if you were a gentleman you would not 
smoke here.” 

“Mum,” he said, “if ye wuz a lady ye’d sit 
farther away.” 

Pretty soon the woman burst out again: 

“If you were my husband I’d give you poison.” 
“Well, mum,” returned the Irishman as he puffed 
away at his pipe, “if ye wuz me wife I’d take it.” 

His Way. 

An eleven-year-old boy had contracted a bad 
habit of swinging his feet while at the dinner table. 
One night his mother said very seriously: 
“Northam, you must not swing your feet like this. 
Why do you?” The lad answered: “Mother, I 
swing my feet when I feel contented and happy. 
It is my way of wagging my tail.” 


108 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Hopeless. 

A friend was once talking with a crazy woman, 
when a stingy man passed by. 

“Do you see that man?” said she, with a cunning 
smile. “You could blow his soul through a hum¬ 
ming-bird’s bill, into a mosquito’s eye, and the 
mosquito wouldn’t wink.” 

Real Erudition. 

The new minister in a Georgia church was de¬ 
livering his first sermon. The darkey janitor was 
a critical listener from a back corner of the church. 
The minister’s sermon was eloquent, and his prayers 
seemed to cover the whole category of human 
wants. 

After the services one of the deacons asked the 
old darkey what he thought of the new minister, 
“Don’t you think he offers up a good prayer, Joe?” 

“Ah mos’ suhtainly does, boss. Why, dat man 
axed de good Lord fo’ things dat de odder preacher 
didn’t even know he had!” 

A Really Good Man. 

When a certain dusky citizen of Richmond took 
steps to obtain admission to a Masonic lodge in 
that city he found, to his dismay, that many ob¬ 
stacles were being interposed by those hostile to 
his initiation into the said organization. 

He sought and gained from the proper officers 
an opportunity to refute certain statements re¬ 
garding the character of himself and members of his 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


109 


family. In a fine burst of indignation the applicant 
said, among other things: 

“Gents, I am a good man. All my people is good 
people. Why, my brother-in-law is sich a good 
man that he got outer the penitentiary eight 
months befo’ his time was up!” 

A Letter to the Angels. 

A little boy whose grandmother had just died 
wrote the following letter, which he duly posted: 

“Dear Angels: We have sent you grandma. 
Please give her a harp to play, as she is short- 
winded and can’t blow a trumpet.” 

The Kind He Needed. 

Aunt Chloe was burdened with the support of a 
worthless husband, who beat her when he was sober 
and whom she dutifully nursed and tended when he 
came home bruised and battered from a fighting 
spree. 

One Monday morning she appeared at the drug¬ 
store and asked the clerk for a “right pow’ful lini¬ 
ment foh achin’ in de bones.” 

“You might try some of this St. Peter’s prescrip¬ 
tion, aunty. It’s an old and popular remedy. 
Cures cuts, bruises, aches, and sprains. One dollar 
the bottle. Good for man and beast.” 

Aunt Chloe looked at the dollar bottle and then 
dubiously at her flat purse. “Ain’t yo’ got some for 
fifty cents?” she ventured—“some foh jes’ on’y 
beast? Ah wants it foh mah ol’ man.” 


110 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


The Proper Equipment. 

A Methodist bishop was recently a guest at the 
home of a friend who had two charming daughters. 
One morning the bishop, accompanied by the two 
young ladies, went out in the hope of catching some 
trout. An old fisherman, out for the same purpose, 
wishing to appear friendly, called out: 

“Ketchin’ many, pard?” 

The bishop, straightening himself to his full 
height, replied, “Brother, I am a fisher of men.” 

“You’ve got the right kind o’ bait, all right,” was 
the fisherman’s rejoinder. 

Grandfather’s Preference. 

A man living in Charleston during the earth¬ 
quake there some years ago felt that his duties re¬ 
quired him to remain there to do what he might for 
the sufferers, but sent his six-year-old youngster 
out of the danger and confusion to his grandfather 
in New York. Three days after the boy’s arrival 
the Charleston man received this telegram from his 
father, “Send us your earthquake and take back 
your boy.” 

Color-Blind. 

Three Irishmen were stopping at a second-rate 
hotel and one of them imbibed so freely at the bar 
that he had to be carried to his room, in which also 
slept a Negro in a separate bed. His comrades, as a 
practical joke on him, proceeded to paint the Irish¬ 
man’s face black. In the morning when awakened 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


111 


by the proprietor, he got up, and happened to catch 
a sight of himself in the mirror. “Oi, bejabers!” 
he exclaimed, 4 ‘if the blamed idiots haven’t gone 
and woke the nigger by mistake!” 

And he crawled back into bed. 

A Steady Flow 

A truly eloquent parson had been preaching for 
an hour or so on the immortality of the soul. 

“I looked at the mountains,” he declaimed, “and 
could not help thinking, ‘Beautiful as you are, you 
will be destroyed, while my soul will not.’ I gazed 
upon the ocean and cried, ‘Mighty as you are you 
will eventually dry up, but not I!’ ” 

Holy Days. 

Dr. Hale and the late Bishop Huntington, of 
New York, were fast friends. The latter had been 
a Unitarian and his shift caused a sensation. The 
Episcopalians have saints assigned to the various 
days in the year. When an Episcopalian minister 
writes a letter on any day on which there is a saint, 
he always writes the name of the saint at the close 
of the letter instead of the date. Bishop Hunting- 
ton learned all these things quickly, and began to 
practice them at once. The first time he had oc¬ 
casion to write to his old friend, Dr. Hale, after 
joining the church, he placed “St. Michael’s Day” 
after his signature. A reply from the doctor came, 
and after his name he had written in a full round 
hand, “Wash Day.” 


112 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Fire Screens. 

A Negro preacher in a Georgia town was edified 
on one occasion by the recital of a dream had by a 
member of his church. 

“I was a-dreamin’ all dis time,” said the narrator, 
“dat I was in Ole Satan’s dominions. I tell you, 
pahson, dat was shore a bad dream!” 

“Was dere any white men dere?” asked the dusky 
divine. 

“Shore dere was—plenty of ’em,” the other 
hastened to assure his minister. 

“What was dey a-doin’?” 

“Ebery one of ’em,” was the answer, “was a- 
holding a cullud pusson between him an’ de fire!” 

A Tale of a Wag. 

A sentry while on duty was bitten by a valuable 
retriever, and drove his bayonet into the dog. Its 
owner sued him in the County Court for its value, 
and the evidence given showed that the soldier had 
not been badly bitten after all. 

“Why did you not knock the dog with the butt 
end of your rifle?” asked the judge. The court 
rocked with laughter when the sentry replied, 
“Why didn’t he bite me with his tail?” 

No Trouble at All. 

/ The new maid had been on this side of the water 
but a very short time and a most amusing thing 
happened when she answered the bell for the first 
caller at the house where she was employed. 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


113 


“Can your mistress be seen?” the visitor asked. 

“Can she be seen?” snickered Kathleen. “Shure, 
an’ Oi think she can! She’s six feet hoigh and haf 
as woide!” 

No Danger. 

Much sobered by the importance of the news he 
had to communicate, youthful Thomas strode into 
the house and said breathlessly: 

“Mother, they have a new baby next door, and 
the lady over there is awful sick. Mother, you 
ought to go right in and see her.” 

“Yes, dear,” said his mother. “I will go over in 
a day or two just as soon as she gets better.” 

“But, mother,” persisted Thomas, “I think you 
ought to go in right away; she is real sick, and 
maybe you can do something to help.” 

“Yes, dear,” said the mother patiently, “but 
wait a day or so until she is just a little better.” 

Thomas seemed much dissatisfied at his mother’s 
apparent lack of neighborly interest, and then 
something seemed to dawn upon him, for he blurted 
out, “Mother, you needn’t be afraid—it ain’t 
catching.” 

Did His Level Best. 

“Now, Thomas,” said the foreman of the con¬ 
struction gang to a green hand who had just been 
put on the job, “keep your eyes open. When you 
see a train coming throw down your tools and jump 
off the track. Run like blazes.” 

“Sure!” said Thomas, and began to swing his 
8 


114 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


pick. In a few moments the Empire State Express 
came whirling along. Thomas threw down his pick 
and started up the track, ahead of the train, as fast 
as he could run. The train overtook him and 
tossed him into a ditch. Badly shaken up he was 
taken to the hospital, where the foreman visited 
him. 

“You blithering idiot,” said the foreman, 
“didn’t I tell you to get out of the road? Didn’t I 
tell you to take care and get out of the way? Why 
didn’t you run up the side of the hill?” 

“Up the soide of the hill is it, sor?” said Thomas 
through the bandages on his face. “Up the soide 
of the hill? Be the powers, I couldn’t bate it on the 
level, let alone runnin’ up-hill!” 

Proof of Honesty. 

District Attorney Jerome at a dinner in New 
York told a story about honesty. 

“There was a man,” he said, “who applied for a 
position in a drygoods house. His appearance 
wasn’t prepossessing, and references were de¬ 
manded. After some hesitation, he gave the name 
of a driver in the firm’s employ. This driver, he 
thought, would vouch for him. 

A clerk sought out the driver and asked him if 
the applicant was honest. 

“ ‘Honest?’ the driver said. ‘Why, his honesty’s 
been proved again and again. To my certain 
knowledge, he’s been arrested nine times for steal¬ 
ing and every time he was acquitted.’ ” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


115 


Welcome Assistance. 

, An old colored woman came into a Washington 
real-estate office the other day and was recognized 
as a tenant of a small house that had become much 
enhanced in value by reason of the building of the 
great new Union Station in that neighborhood. 

“Look here, auntie, we are going to raise your 
rent this month,” the agent remarked briskly. 

“ ’Deed, an’ Ah’s glad to hear dat, sah,” the old 
woman replied, ducking her head politely. “Mighty 
glad, fo’ sho’, ’case Ah des come in hyah terday ter 
tell you-all Ah couldn’t raise hit dis month!” 

Homeward Bound. 

A traveler in Arkansas came to a cabin and heard 
a terrifying series of groans and yells. It sounded 
as if murder was being committed. 

He rushed in and found a gigantic Negro woman 
beating a wizened little man with a club while he 
cried for mercy. 

“Here, woman!” shouted the traveler, “what do 
you mean by beating that man?” 

“He’s mah husban’, an’ I’ll beat him all I likes,” 
she replied, giving the man a few more cracks by 
way of emphasis. 

“No matter if he is your husband, you have no 
right to murder him.” 

“Go ’long, white man, and luf me alone. I’ll 
suah beat him some moah.” 

“What has he done?” 

“Wha’s he done? Why, this triflin’ no’ count 


116 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


nigger done lef’ de door of my chicken-house open 
and all mah chickens done gone out.” 

“Pshaw, that’s nothing. They will come back.” 

“Come back? No, suh, they’ll go back.” 

Warning Her. 

A deaf but pious English lady, visiting a small 
country town in Scotland, went to church armed 
with an ear-trumpet. The elders had never seen 
one, and viewed it with suspicion and uneasiness. 
After a short consultation one of them went up to 
the lady, just before the opening of the services, 
and, wagging his finger at her warningly, whis¬ 
pered, “One toot, and ye’re oot.” 

The Real Governor 

Governor Willson of Kentucky had the misfor¬ 
tune sometime since to strain a tendon in his leg, 
necessitating the temporary removal of his office 
to the mansion, where business was transacted and 
visitors received. Here he was attended by “Jim,” 
a darkey, who had been general factotum to many 
governors and had often been the cause of much 
fun. According to an article in Lippincott's Maga¬ 
zine: 

On one occasion Mrs. Willson had waited 
luncheon for thirty minutes, and she told his Ex¬ 
cellency that he must come down and eat with her. 

“My dear,” said Mr. Willson, “just as soon as I 
see that delegation of men downstairs I’ll be with 
you.” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


117 


Mrs. Willson was determined, and said, “Jim, 
you go down and tell them to wait.” 

“Jim,” frowned the governor, as that worthy 
started off to obey the mistress of the mansion— 
“Jim, you know who is governor, don’t you?” 

“Yas, sir,” grinned Jim, with seeming innocence, 
“yas, sir. I’ll go down and tell the gemmen to 
wait, sir.” 

What He Got. 

A good many years ago, in the State of Iowa, 
there was a small boy hoeing potatoes in a farm 
lot by the roadside. A man came along in a fine 
buggy and driving a fine horse. He looked over the 
fence, stopped and said, “Bub, what do you get 
for hoeing those potatoes?” 

“Nothin’ ef I do,” said the boy, “and hell ef I 
don’t.” 


Very Dry Ground. 

A young man who lived in Chicago was drinking 
more than was good for him. His friends tried to 
stop him, but were unsuccessful. 

Finally, one of them took him to Peoria, Illinois, 
where there are many great distilleries. They ar¬ 
rived about eight o’clock one evening and walked 
around. 

“Now, look here, Jim,” said the good Samaritan 
friend, “all these big buildings you see here are dis¬ 
tilleries. I just brought you down here to show 
you that your idea you can drink all the whisky 


118 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


they make is foolish. You can’t beat them. You 
can’t consume what they make and you’d better 
quit.” 

“Maybe I can’t consume all they make,” the 
young man replied, “but,” he added with much 
pride, “I’ll have you notice I’ve got them working 
nights.” 

Both Athletes. 

v A traveler left his umbrella in a hotel, after at¬ 
taching to it a card bearing in bold letters the 
warning: “This umbrella belongs to a man who can 
deal with his fist a blow of two hundred and fifty 
pounds. Coming back in five minutes.” 

He returned to find the umbrella gone, and in its 
place the message: “This card belongs to a man 
who can run twenty miles an hour. Isn’t coming 
back.” 

Ingratitude. 

Gene, who is four years old, was delighted re¬ 
cently when the stork brought a long-coveted baby 
sister. He went forthwith to announce the glad 
tidings to the neighbors. To his surprise, they were 
not inclined to believe him, especially Edward, his 
chum, who stoutly scoffed the idea of a new arrival 
at Gene’s house. With trembling lip Gene ran to 
his mother and threw himself, sobbing, against the 
bed. 

“Just think, mother,” he wailed, “Edward won’t 
believe I’ve got a baby sister! And you know”— 
here his sense of the world’s ingratitude grew 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


119 


stronger, and he wailed afresh—“you know how 
good I was to him when they had kittens over at 
his house!” 

Sure of His Whereabouts. 

A young man fell into a state of coma, but re¬ 
covered before his friends had buried him. One of 
them asked what it felt like to be dead. 

“Dead!” he exclaimed. “I wasn’t dead. And I 
knew I wasn’t, because my feet were cold and I was 
hungry.” 

“But how did that make you sure?” 

“Well, I knew that if I were in heaven I shouldn’t 
be hungry, and if I were in the other place my feet 
wouldn’t be cold.” 

Too Much Honey. 

\/ Luther M. Burbank, the plant wizard of Cali¬ 
fornia, said of honey, apropos of a flower that bees 
love: 

“This flower grows abundantly near Santa Bar¬ 
bara, and there was once a young Californian who 
often visited a leading Santa Barbara hotel because 
they have such excellent honey there—a honey the 
bees make from this flower. 

“Well, the young man got married in due course, 
and the wedding-trip itinerary must include Santa 
Barbara, so that the bride might taste this superb 
honey. 

“But the first morning at the Santa Barbara 
hotel there was no honey on the breakfast table. 


120 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


The bridegroom frowned. He called the old fa¬ 
miliar waiter over to him. 

“ ‘Where’s my honey?’ he demanded. 

“The waiter hesitated, looked awkwardly at the 
bride, then bent toward the young man’s ear, and 
in a stage whisper stammered: 

“ ‘Er—Mamie don’t work here no more, sir.’ ” 

Not to be Wasted. 

A gentleman lying on his deathbed was ques¬ 
tioned by his inconsolable prospective widow. 
“Poor Mike,” said she, “is there annythin’ ye wud 
have that would make ye comfortable? Annythin’ 
ye ask for I’ll get for ye.” 

“Plase, Bridget,” he responded, “I t’ink I’d like 
a wee taste of the ham I smeel a-boilin’ in the 
kitchen.” 

“Arrah, go on,” responded Bridget. “Divil a 
bit of that ham ye’ll get. ’Tis for the wake.” 

How We All Feel. 

Private Ullysses Roosevelt Jones was always 
longing for Alabam’, but the case goods on the dock 
at Brest, France, after the Armistice continued to 
pile up and Ullysses’s life was plumb miserable. 

“Boss,” he said to his big black sergeant—“boss, 
ah’s mighty sick o’ dis yere liftin’ an’ unliftin’. It’s 
wuss dan de wah. It’s de wah all over agin an’ Ah 
only ’listed fo’ de duration.” 

“Lissen, boy,” said the sergeant, giving one 
white-eyed glare at Ullysses. “Heah’s whah Ah 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


121 


introduce yo’ peanut brain to knowledge. De wah 
am oVer, sho’ ’nough, but de duration yo’ is in for 
now ain’t sca’cely commenced.” 

Contented. 

Small Charlotte, not yet four years old, was 
gifted with so vivid an imagination that her mother 
began to be troubled by her fairy tales and felt it 
time to talk seriously to her upon the beauty of 
truthfulness. Not sure of the impression she had 
made, she closed with the warning that God could 
not love a child who spoke untruthfully and would 
not want her in heaven. 

Charlotte considered a moment and then said: 

“Well, I’ve been to Chicago once, and to the 
theater twice, and I don’t s’pose I can expect to go 
everywhere.” 

Cheering Her Up. 

Young Wife—“Oh, I am so miserable; my hus¬ 
band has been out all the evening, and I haven’t 
the faintest idea where he is.” 

Experienced Friend—“My dear, you mustn’t 
worry. You would probably be twice as miserable 
if you did know.” 


No Difference. 

Father—“Why is it that you are always at the 
bottom of the class?” 

Johnny—“It doesn’t make any difference, daddy; 
they teach the same things at both ends.” 


122 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Frequently. 

An old colored man, who could neither read nor 
write, and who had been found by his master to be 
deficient in his market-book accounts, blamed the 
butcher for tampering with his book. The gentle¬ 
man of the house remonstrated by saying: 

“But, Tom, figures don’t lie.” 

“No,” answered the old man, “but liars do 
figger.” 

Striking for Home. 

* An Irish recruit who ran at the first shot in his 
first battle was unmercifully laughed at for his 
cowardice by the whole regiment, but he was equal 
to the occasion. 

“Run, is it?” he repeated, scornfully. “Faith, 
an’ I didn’t, nayther. I just observed the gineral’s 
express orders. He told us, ‘strike for home and yer 
counthry,’ and I sthruck for home. Thim what 
sthruck for their counthry is there yet.” 

Knowledge is Power. 

In a factory one of the huge machines stopped 
suddenly. In spite of exhortation, language, oil, 
and general tinkering it refused to budge. Pro¬ 
duction slowed down and the management tore 
its hair. At last an expert was called in. 

He examined the machine for a few minutes and 
then asked for a hammer. After tapping here and 
there for about ten minutes, he announced that 
the machine was ready to move. It did. 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


123 


Two days later the management received a bill 
for $250—the expert’s fee. The management de¬ 
manded a detailed statement of the account. They 


received this: 

“To tapping machine with hammer.$25 

“To knowing where to tap. 225 


Candid. 

An alien wanted to be naturalized and was re¬ 
quired to fill out a blank. The first three lines of 
the blank had the following questions: 

“Name?” “Born?” and “Business?” 

He answered: 

“Name—Michael Levinshy.” 

“Born—Yes.” 

* ‘Business—Rotten. ’ ’ 

The First Lesson. 

Father—“Well, Carolyn, how do you like 
school?” 

Carolyn (aged six)—“Oh, so much, papa.” 

Father—“That’s right, daughter. And now 
what have you learned to-day?” 

Carolyn—“I’ve learned the names of all the little 
boys.” 

Couldn’t Get Religion. 

Gen. O. O. Howard, as is well known, was a man of 
deep religious principles, and in the course of the 
war he divided his time pretty equally between 
fighting and evangelism. Howard’s brigade was 




124 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


known all through the army as the Christian 
brigade, and he was very proud of it. 

There was one hardened old sinner in the brigade, 
however, whose ears were deaf to all exhortation. 
General Howard was particularly anxious to con¬ 
vert this man, and one day he went down in the 
teamsters’ part of the camp where the man was on 
duty. He talked with him long and earnestly about 
religion and finally said: 

“I want to see you converted. Won’t you come 
to the mourners’ bench at the next service?” 

The erring one rubbed his head thoughtfully for a 
moment and then replied: 

“General, I’m plumb willin’ to be converted, but 
if I am, seein’ that everyone else has got religion, 
who in blue blazes is goin’ to drive the mules?” 

Real Tragedy. 

A knife-thrower who was performing in an Eng¬ 
lish music-hall had a particularly attractive as¬ 
sistant, whose duty was to lean, with outstretched 
arms, against a soft pine board. This board was 
surrounded with electric lights which accentuated 
her beauty. The knife-thrower would then station 
himself a few feet distant and hurl knife after knife 
at the board. These knives would just graze the 
skin and plunge with a thud in the board and re¬ 
main quivering. It was a thrilling act, and when 
the last knife was thrown the young woman would 
be so closely hemmed in by knives that they had to 
be drawn out before she could free herself. 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


125 


One night the pretty assistant was taken ill, and 
the performer’s wife was drafted for the work. She 
was far from pretty; in fact, she was distinctly 
homely. She walked out onto the stage and when 
she reclined against the board the pitiless lights 
threw into relief her crooked features, unshapely 
limbs, and general unattractiveness. The knife- 
thrower took deliberate aim, and a knife flashed 
across the room and sank into the board by her 
head. Just as the knife struck, a small boy up in 
the gallery shouted with a wail: 

“My Gawd, ’e missed ’er!” 

Varying Viewpoints. 

A successful Chautauqua lecturer, who is also a 
lawyer, was presented to an audience as follows: 
“I am very glad to introduce to you, ladies and 

gentlemen, Mr. B-, who will give a lecture, The 

Trial of Jesus from a Lawyer’s Standpoint.’ I can 
imagine only one lecture which might prove more 
interesting to this audience than the one announced. 
That would be The Trial of a Lawyer from Jesus’ 
Standpoint.’ ” 

The Lesson on the Cow. 

A teacher was giving a “lesson on the cow.” She 
was trying to impress on their young minds the 
various uses of milk. Butter, cheese, etc., had been 
disposed of, and she wanted some bright child to 
tell how the farmer gave the surplus milk to the 
pigs. Leading up to this, she asked this question: 



126 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


“Now, children, after the farmer has made all 
the butter and cheese he needs, and uses what milk 
he wants for his family, what does he do with the 
milk that still remains?” 

Dead silence followed for a moment, and then 
one little hand waved frantically. 

The teacher smiled and said, “Well, Tommy?” 

“He pours it back into the cow,” piped Tommy. 


Both Forgetful. 



A certain young man wrote the following letter 
to a prominent business firm, ordering a razor: 

“Dear Sirs: Please find enclosed 50 cents for one 
of your razors as advertised and oblige, John Jones. 

“P. S.—I forgot to enclose the 50 cents, but no 
doubt a firm of your high standing will send the 
razor anyway.” 

The firm addressed received the letter and replied 
as follows: 

“Dear Sir: Your most valued order received the 
other day and will say in reply that we are sending 
the razor as per request, and hope that it will prove 
satisfactory. 

“P. S.—We forgot to enclose the razor, but have 
no doubt a man with your cheek will have no need 


for it.” 


Didn’t Need Any More. 

A very subdued-looking boy of about thirteen 
years, with a long scratch on his nose, and an air 
of general dejection, came to his teacher in one of 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


127 


the Boston public schools and handed her a note 
before taking his seat. The note read as follows: 

“Miss B-: 

“Please excuse James for not being thare yester¬ 
day. He played trooant, but I guess you don’t 
need to lick him for it, as the boy he played trooant 
with an’ him fell out, an’ the boy licked him, an’ a 
man they sassed caught him an’ licked him, an’ the 
driver of a sled they hung on to licked him also. 
Then his pa licked him, an’ I had to give him an¬ 
other one for sassing me for telling his pa, so you 
need not lick him till next time. He thinks he 
better keep in school hereafter.” 

A Deadlock. 

Johnny—“Grandpa, do lions go to heaven?” 

Grandpa—“No, Johnny.” 

Johnny—“Well, do ministers?” 

Grandpa—“Why, of course. Why do you ask?” 

Johnny—“Well, suppose a lion eats a minister?” 

Not to be Trusted. 

Some years ago, in a Western State, then a terri¬ 
tory, a popular citizen became involved with an 
influential and overbearing character and killed 
him. 

Public sentiment leaned toward the defendant, 
but the law was against him, and, when the day of 
the trial came, the defendant, his counsel, and 
friends held a consultation, and, fearful of the con- 



128 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


sequences, they decided that the defendant should 
plead guilty and beg the court’s mercy. 

The jury was charged by the court and retired. 
Presently it returned, and the-foreman said: 

“We find the defendant not guilty.” 

The judge viewed the jury in surprise and said: 

“Gentlemen of the jury, how be it? This de¬ 
fendant pleads guilty, and you find him not guilty?” 

The foreman answered: 

“Well, your Honor, the defendant is such a liar 
we can’t believe him under oath.” 


Experts. 


Little Nelly told little Anita what she termed “a 
little fib.” 

Anita—“A fib is the same as a story, and a story 
is the same as a lie.” 

Nelly—“No, it is not.” 

Anita—Yes, it is, because my father said so, and 
my father is a professor in the university.” 

Nelly—“I don’t care if he is. My father is a 
real-estate man, and he knows more about lying 
than your father.” 


Even. 


Senator Gore, of Oklahoma, while addressing a 



convention in Oklahoma 


story illustrating a point he made : 

“A Northern gentleman was being entertained 
by a Southern colonel on a fishing-trip. It was his 
first visit to the South, and the mosquitoes were so 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


129 


bothersome that he was unable to sleep, while at 
the same time he could hear his friend snoring 
audibly. 

The next morning he approached the old darkey 
who was doing the cooking. 

41 ‘Jim,’ he said, ‘how is it the colonel is able to 
sleep so soundly with so many misquitoes around? 

41 Til tell you, boss,’ the darkey replied, ‘de fust 
part of de night de kernel is too full to pay any 
’tenshum to de skeeters, and de last part of de 
night de skeeters is too full to pay any ’tenshum to 
de kernel.’ ” 


Individual Likes. 

Mrs. J. C. Phelps-Stokes (Rose Pastor), the 
Socialist worker, recounted, at a Socialist meeting 
in New York, her amusing experiences among the 
slum children. 

“Not long ago,” she said, “I saw on the street 
a little boy and girl whose clothes looked as if they 
had grown upon them. Speaking to them, I urged 
them to lead me to their mother, who politely in¬ 
formed me that it was her custom, at the beginning 
of cold weather to sew the little ones up in flannels, 
freeing them with the return of spring. I per¬ 
suaded the mother to put buttons on the clothes 
and to bathe her children regularly. Then, last 
week, I visited her again. 

44 ‘Well,’ I said, ‘how do the winter baths go?’ 

44 ‘The children don’t like it, ma’am,’ said the 
mother. ‘Johnny refused his bath positively yes- 
9 


130 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


terday. He said you could do as you liked and he 
would do as he liked. You like to be cold and 
clean—he likes to be warm and dirty.’ ” 

Corrected. 

John C. Bell, district attorney of Philadelphia, 
and Justice John P. Elkin, of the Supreme Court of 
Pennsylvania, were schoolmates, and the district 
attorney is inconsiderate enough to tell this tale out 
of school about the justice: 

“John,” he says, “was a stubborn youth, and the 
teacher had all kinds of trouble with him. I re¬ 
member he insisted upon saying ‘have went,’ and 
to correct him the teacher compelled him to re¬ 
main after school one day and write ‘have gone’ 
three hundred times. 

“After scribbling ‘have gone’ until his hand 
ached, John appended this note to the bottom of 
the sheet of paper: 

“ ‘I have done my work and have went home.’ ” 
Easily Repaired. 

Shortly after the return from their honeymoon, 
a young couple of Cleveland undertook house¬ 
keeping, the bride being especially desirous to put 
in practice the lessons she had taken in cooking. 

Returning home one evening, the husband found 
his wife in tears. Between sobs he managed to 
learn from her that something terrible had hap¬ 
pened. 

“Dearie,” she gulped, “it does seem too awful 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


131 


that the very first meat pie I should bake for you 
should be eaten by the cat.” 

“That’s all right, my love,” said the husband, 
patting her on the shoulder, “I’ll get you another 
cat right away.” 

Just as He Thought. 

A small boy was reciting in geography class. 
The teacher was trying to teach him the points of 
the compass. 

She explained: “On your right is the east, your 
left is the west, and in front of you is the north. 
Now what is behind you?” 

The boy studied a moment, and then puckered 
up his face and bawled: “I knew it. I told ma 
you’d see the patch in my pants.” 

A Gentleman. 

“I was standing in a Baltimore drug-store the 
other day, when a rather undersized newsboy, with 
a cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth, 
entered and, sauntering up to the counter, leisurely 
asked the clerk for a match,” said Mr. B-. 

“ ‘Go chase yourself,’ said the dignitary; ‘I can’t 
be bothered with you kids.’ 

“The urchin drew himself up to his full height, 
took a nickel from his pocket, placed it on the 
counter, and said: 

“ ‘Mister, I’ll buy a box of matches.’ 

“The clerk handed him a box. The boy took a 
match from it. lighted his cigarette with a few de- 



132 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


liberate puffs, tossed the box back to the aston¬ 
ished clerk, and with a deep inhalation thus de¬ 
livered himself: 

“ ‘Mister,’ he said, ‘next time a gentleman comes 
in here and asks you for a match you can give 
him one out of my box.’ ” 

A Modest Protest. 

The circus had come to a certain Southern town 
last summer. Just before the parade a prosperous- 
looking Negro approached the manager of the 
show, doffed his hat and said, “Does you-all show¬ 
men know you has youh show on my lot?” 

The manager replied he knew nothing about the 
matter and ordered the Negro out of the way. The 
claimant, however, stood his ground and finally 
proved to the manager that he did own the lot. 
Then the manager looked up the real-estate agent 
who had rented the lot for circus purposes. The 
real-estate man came up. “What you want here?” 
he asked of the owner. 

“Nuth’n’, co’n’l, nuth’n’, cep’ I was jes’ tellin’ 
dese yer show folks they done got th’ tent on my 
lot.” 

“Did they tear your fences down?” 

“No, sir, co’n’l, case dey ain’ no fences.” 

“Well, don’t you know you can’t keep people off 
your lot unless it is fenced ? They can play ball on 
it, or dig bait on it, or have a show on it, or pasture 
their cows on it, so long as it isn’t fenced and no 
house is on it.” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


133 


“Is dat so?” inquired the owner anxiously. “All 
right, co’n’l, all right. I wasn’t wantin’ nuth’n’ 
cep’ to have you-all admit I owns that there lot.” 

Saluted Spirits. 

An old Negro woman, who takes in washing in 
Indianapolis, had a bad attack of the grip this 
winter. She was quite sick. Her daughter went 
to the house of one of her mother’s patrons to do the 
washing and was asked how her mother was. 

“Oh,” she replied, “she’s bettah, thank you. She 
can sit up now an’ take a little whisky. Of course, 
though, she salutes (dilutes) it befo’ she takes it.” 

The Test. 

“Does yo’ belieb dat Jim Johnson am really con¬ 
verted?” 

“ ’Deed I does. I’se bin visitin’ his house fo’ de 
last free months, an’ dey hasn’t had a mouthful ob 
chicken.” 

Insuring Care. 

Reverend Lyman Powell, of Northampton, has a 
bright little son who is very much frightened in 
thunder-storms. One day a heavy shower came up 
when the little fellow had wandered away from the 
house. His father, who was watching for him, saw 
him come running toward home as the first drops 
fell. He looked terrified, and his lips were moving. 

“What were you saying?” asked his father. 

“I was reminding God that I am a minister’s 
son!” the boy replied. 


134 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Black Injustice. 

A Negro farmhand entered the office of a lawyer 
in a Southern town. 

“What is it?” demanded the lawyer. 

“Jedge,” replied the Negro, “ef a white man owes 
a niggah a dollah is they any law in them books 
up on the shelves dat say he gwinter haf’ to pay 
it?” 

“No; not a thing,” replied the lawyer. 

“Ain’ they one line whut says so, jedge?” 

“Not a line.” 

“Well,” announced the caller, “all I gotter say 
is dat ef a niggah owed er white man a dollah evah 
leaf in dem books would say, ‘Niggah, pay dat dol¬ 
lah.’ ” 

Truthful Spouse. 

“Where am I?” the invalid exclaimed, waking 
from the long delirium of fever and feeling the com¬ 
fort that loving hands had supplied. “Where am I 
—in heaven?” 

“No, dear,” cooed the wife; “I am still with 
you.” 

The Misfit Prizes. 

The circulation manager of a well-known pe¬ 
riodical offered some prizes to a group of boys in a 
Texas town who were engaged in a friendly com¬ 
petition in selling his paper. The results were so 
good that he decided to send all the boys prizes. 

He picked out a lot of things such as boys like 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


135 


and sent them down with a letter to the boys. 
Presently he had a reply, which read: 

“Dear Sir: The prizes came and they are very 
nice. We like them bully, only there was a mistake 
or two. That pair of boxing gloves was given to a 
boy who has only one arm and that big harmonica 
went to a boy who is deaf and dumb.” 

Within Bounds. 

While making a visit in New York, a man un¬ 
mistakably of country origin was knocked down in 
the street by an automobile. A crowd instantly 
surrounded him with condolences and questions: 

“Are you hurt, my friend?” kindly asked a gentle¬ 
man, who was first among the rescuers, as he helped 
the stranger to his feet and brushed the mud and 
dust from his clothes. 

“Well,” came the cautious reply of one evidently 
given to non-committal brevity of speech, “it ain’ 
done me no good.” 

More Than Enough. 

Little Johnny had never had enough of batter- 
cakes and syrup. His mother determined to see 
that he had enough for once in his life. So she pre¬ 
pared a large pan of batter and a jug of syrup, sat 
him down before the fire and began to fry batter- 
cakes, pour syrup on them and tell him to help his 
plate and eat. For awhile it was great fun to 
Johnny and he ate away with delight. There is a 
limit even to a little boy’s stomach, however, and 


136 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


the limit to Johnny’s stomach’s capacity began to 
be reached, and he began to slow up. 

“Go ahead, Johnny,” she said, “I want you to 
have enough. Eat a-plenty.” 

“I dot ’nuff,” Johnny replied. 

“No, no,” she said; “you have been bothering me 
for years about not having enough batter-cakes 
and syrup, and now I want you to get enough for 
one time.” 

Johnny managed to worry down a little more 
and then he stopped again. His mother urged, 
“Eat on, Johny, I want you to have enough.” 

Johnny began to cry and said: “I told you I dot 
’nuff. I don’t want some o’ dis I dot.” 

His Difficulty. 

Real-estate Agent—“This tobacco plantation is 
a bargain. I don’t see why you hesitate. What are 
you worrying about?” 

Prospective But Inexperienced Purchaser—“I 
was just wondering whether I should plant cigars or 
cigarettes.” 


Too Many Tailors. 

A man bought a ^e^pair of pants to wear to a 
picnic. They were tried on the night before the 
picnic and found to be six inches too long. It was 
too late to take them to a tailor for alteration and 
the entire family went to bed sympathizing with 
him. About eleven o’clock that night his mother- 
in-law decided to help the poor fellow out, so she 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


137 


got up, took the pants, cut off six inches, hemmed 
them up neatly and went back to bed thinking how 
pleasantly surprised he would be next morning at 
her thoughtfulness. 

About twelve o’clock the wife slipped out of bed, 
found the pants, cut off six inches, neatly hemmed 
them and went back to bed rejoicing in the thought 
of how pleased her husband would be when he put 
on the pants and found what she had done. 

A little after one o’clock he slipped up, took the 
ill-fated pants, cut off six inches, neatly hemmed 
them, and went back to bed thinking how sur¬ 
prised all would be next morning when they learned 
how he had solved his difficulty. To the consterna¬ 
tion of all when he put on his pants next morning 
for the picnic they were a foot too short. 

She Could Use Him. 

“Rastus,” said the judge sternly, “you’re plain 
no-account and shiftless, and for this fight I am 
going to send you away a year at hard labor.” 

“Please, jedge,” interrupted Mrs. Rastus from 
the rear of the courtroom, “will yo’ Honah jes’ 
kinder split dat sentence? Don’t send him away 
from home, but let dat hard labor stand.” 

The Main Thing. 

An old colored man got up one night in a revival 
meeting and said: “Brudders an’ sisters, you knows 
an’ I knows dat I ain’t been what I oughter been. 
I’se robbed henroosts an’ stole hawgs, an’ tole lies, 


138 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


an’ got drunk, an’ slashed folks wi’ mah razor, an’ 
shot craps, an’ cussed an’ swore; but I thank de 
Lawd ders one thing I ain’t nebber done: I ain’t 
nebber lost mah ’ligion.” 

A Hint to the Hens. 

Abbie, the little girl of the family, was seated at 
the breakfast-table one morning. As usual, eggs 
were served. 

Either she was not hungry or she had grown 
tired of the bill of fare, for she soberly and earnestly 
remarked, “I do wish hens would lay something 
besides eggs.” 

A Good Word for Him. 

Hans Schmidt was reputed to be the meanest 
man in the neighborhood. He died. His body was 
placed in the grave, and, according to an old Penn¬ 
sylvania German custom, the people stood around 
the open grave, waiting for someone to say some 
good thing about the deceased before filling the 
grave. 

After a long wait, Gus Schulze said: “Well, I can 
say joost one goot thing about Hans: he wasn’t 
always as mean as he was sometimes.” 

A Privileged Character. 

A teacher was trying to illustrate the outcome 
of laziness and idleness. She drew a terrible pic¬ 
ture of the habitual loafer, the man who hates 
work, and his ultimate fate. 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


139 


“Now, Johnny,” she said to a little boy who had 
been looking out of the window, and whose mind 
was far from the lesson of the hour, “tell me who 
is the wretched, miserable individual who gets food, 
clothes, and lodging and gives nothing in return?” 

Johnnie’s face glowed. “Please, miss,” he re¬ 
plied, “the baby.” 

Nothing New. 

An old physician of the last generation was noted 
for his brusque manner and old-fashioned methods. 

On one occasion a woman called him to treat her 
baby, which was slightly ailing. The doctor pre¬ 
scribed castor oil. 

“But, doctor,” protested the young mother, 
“castor oil is such an old-fashioned remedy.” 

“Madam,” replied the doctor, “babies are old- 
fashioned things.” 


Farsighted. 

A railway employee was in £he witness box and 
was being cross-examined by a very self-important 
lawyer about a case which had resulted in a 
damage suit as a consequence of an accident on the 
railroad. 

“You say you saw this man fall from the train?” 
said the lawyer. 

“I saw him fall, yes,” replied the railway man. 

“Yet it was nighttime,” insisted the lawyer. 
“And you were at one end of the train and the man 
was at the other. Do you expect an intelligent 


140 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


jury to believe such a yarn? How far can you see at 
night?” 

“About a million miles, I think,” replied the 
railroad man. “I can see the moon. How far is 
that?” 

The lawyer retired. 

Reminiscent. 

“What did your wife say when you got home the 
other night?” 

“Not a word. She just sat down at the piano 
and played ‘Tell Me the Old, Old Story.’ ” 

Hard-Boiled. 

The black-haired waitress, very much out of 
sorts, sailed haughtily up to the table at which sat 
the grouchy customer waiting to give his breakfast 
order. She slammed down the knives, forks, and 
other cutlery, snatched a napkin from a pile and 
tossed it in front of him. 

Then, striking a furious pose, she asked, 
“Whatcha want?” with a snap. 

“Coupla eggs,” growled the customer. 

“How ya want ’em?” 

“Just like you are.” 

Bath Night. 

Pat was helping the gardener on a gentleman’s 
place and, observing a shallow stone basin con¬ 
taining water, he inquired what it was for. 

“That,” said the gardener, “is a bird bath.” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


141 


“Don’t ye be foolin’ me,” grinned Pat. “What 
is it?” 

“A bird bath, I tell you. Why do you doubt it?” 

“Because I don’t belave ther’s a bird alive that 
can tell Saturday night from any other.” 

Post-mortem Chat. 

Two Irishmen were working on the roof of a 
building one day when one made a misstep and fell 
to the ground. The other leaned over and called: 

“Are yez dead or alive, Mike?” 

“Oim alive,” said Mike, feebly. 

“Sure, you’re such a liar Oi don’t know whether 
to belave yez or not.” 

“Well, then, Oi must be dead,” said Mike, “for 
yez would never dare to call me a liar if Oi wor 
aloive.” 

Accidental. 

George W. Cable, the author of so many delight¬ 
ful stories of the South, recalls an amusing incident 
of his boyhood days, which were spent in New 
Orleans. 

“A fierce old colonel one day called his Negro 
coachman to him. “You were drunk yesterday!” 
he roared. “What do you mean by such a per¬ 
formance?” 

“ ’Twas a accident, sah, ’pon mah word.” 

“An accident?” 

“Yes, sah. In de mornin’ I gets a jimmyjohn ob 
rum fer t’ keep de rheumatiz from mah ole woman 


142 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


an’, Marse John, I slips on de ice an’ bust de 
jimmyjohn, an’ de rum mak’ little puddles in de 
road. Den, sah, I jes’ gets down an’ laps some up. 
Dat’s how it cum, Marse John.” 

“You black rascal! How much did you drink?” 

“Well, Marse John, sah,” answered old Ned, 
with a twinkle in his eye, “I s’pose I mus’ er save 
more ’en a quart!” 

Of First Importance. 

The teacher was examining the class in physi¬ 
ology. “Mary, you tell us,” she asked, “what is 
the function of the stomach?” 

“The function of the stomach,” the little girl 
answered, “is to hold up the petticoat.” 

Couldn’t Stop. 

A few months ago a Methodist preacher de¬ 
livered a discourse on “Jonah,” at La Center, Ken¬ 
tucky, in which he is reported to have said: “When 
Jonah left that fish he hit the ground a-runnin’, and 
started full tilt for Nineveh. One of the sisters 
looked out of her window and saw a cloud of dust 
down the road, and, after looking intently, said to 
her husband, ‘I believe in my soul, yonder comes 
Brother Jonah.’ She went to the door and hol¬ 
lered, ‘Good-mornin’.’ 

“ ‘Good-mornin’,’ answered Jonah, without turn¬ 
ing his head. 

“ ‘Where are you goin’ so fast, Brother Jonah?’ 

“ ‘Goin’ to Nineveh,’ he replied. 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


143 


“ ‘Well, stop and take dinner with us.’ 

11 ‘Ain’t got time. Three days late now.’ 

“ ‘Oh, come in and get your dinner, Brother 
Jonah. We’ve got fish for dinner.’ 

“ ‘Don’t talk to me about fish,’ said Brother 
Jonah. 

“ ‘Well, come in and have a drink of water.’ 

“ ‘Don’t talk to me about water’—and on he 
went a-clipping toward Nineveh.” 


Quite Right. 



Mayor Marshall, of Columbus, Ohio, tells the 
following story: 

“A teacher said to her class: 

“ ‘Who was the first man?’ 

“ ‘George Washington,’ a little boy shouted 
promptly. 

“ ‘How do you make out that George Washing¬ 
ton was the first man?’ asked the teacher, smiling 
indulgently. 

“ ‘Because,’ said the little boy, ‘he was first in 
war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his 
countrymen.’ 

‘‘But at this point a larger boy held up his hand. 

“ ‘Well,’ said the teacher to him, ‘who do you 
think was the first man?’ 

“ ‘I don’t know what his name was,’ said the 
larger boy, ‘but I know it wasn’t George Washing¬ 
ton, ma’am, because the history book says George 
Washington married a widow, so, of course, there 
must have been a man ahead of him.’ ” 


144 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


A Good Shot. 

The Viceroy of India, Lord Dufferin, once had a 
shikaree, or hunting servant, whose duty it was to 
attend the visitors at the viceregal court on their 
shooting excursions. This young man was above 
all noted for his tact. 

Returning one day from one of these expeditions, 
the shikaree encountered the Viceroy, who, full of 
courteous solicitude for his guests’ enjoyment, 
asked: 

“Well, what sort of sport has Lord-had?” 

“Oh,” replied the scrupulously polite Indian, 
“the sahib shot divinely, but God was very merciful 
to the birds.” 

Again the Tempter. 

J The sailor had been showing the lady visitor 
over the ship. In thanking him she said: 

“I see that by the rules of your ship tips are for¬ 
bidden.” 

“Lor’, bless yer ’eart, ma’am,” replied Jack, “so 
were the apples in the Garden of Eden.” 

Deeply Concerned. 

The kind old lady noticed a small lad entering 
a cobbler’s with a small package. 

“What have you there, sonny?” she asked 
kindly. 

“Ma’s slipper,” replied the lad; “you see, there 
is a tack out of place in it and I want to have it 
fixed before ma notices it,” 



CANNED LAUGHTER 


145 


11 Ah, what a considerate little boy. I suppose 
you are afraid the tack might hurt your mother’s 
foot?” 

“Well, it isn’t exactly that. You see, the tack 
is sticking out on the sole and this is the slipper ma 
spanks me with.” 

He Couldn’t Believe- It. 

A number of years ago, when Alvey A. Adee 
was Third Assistant Secretary of State, an em¬ 
ployee of the State Department was called to the 
phone and the following colloquy ensued: 

“Will you kindly give me the name of the Third 
Assistant Secretary of State?” asked the voice at 
the other end of the wire. 

“Adee,” was the reply. 

“A. D. what?” 

“A. A. Adee.” 

“Spell it, please.” 

“A.” 

“Yes.” 

“A.” 

“Yes.” 

“A—.” 

“You go to the devil!” and the receiver was in¬ 
dignantly hung up. 

She Was to Wait. 

There is living in Illinois a solemn man who is 
often funny without meaning to be. At the time 
of his wedding, he lived in a town some distance 
10 


146 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


from the home of the bride. The wedding was to 
be at her house. On the eventful day the solemn 
man started for the station, but on the way met 
the village grocer, who talked so entertainingly 
that the bridegroom missed his train. 

Naturally he was in a “state.” Something must 
be done, and done quickly. So he sent the follow¬ 
ing telegram: 

“Don’t marry till I come.—Henry.” 

Slightly Confused. 

“There was an old chap out in my country,” said 
Senator Carter, of Montana, “who was not regular 
in his church-going, and he was taken to task about 
it by the minister. So the next Sunday he slipped 
into church and sat it out, 

“As he was coming home he met a friend. ‘Say,’ 
he said, ‘did you ever hear about this man Simp¬ 
son?’ 

“ ‘Simpson?’ asked the friend. ‘What Simpson?’ 

“ ‘Well, he was a mighty man. He took the jaw¬ 
bone of a mule one day and went down and killed 
fifty thousand Philadelphians before noon.’ ” 

A Grand Stove. 

A Georgia woman, who moved to Philadelphia, 
found she could not be contented without the col¬ 
ored mammy who had been her servant for many 
years. She sent for old mammy, and the servant 
arrived in due season. It so happened that the 
Georgia woman had to leave town the very day 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


147 


mammy arrived. Before departing she had just 
time to explain to mammy the modern conveni¬ 
ences with which her apartment was furnished. The 
gas stove was the contrivance which interested 
the colored woman most. After the mistress of the 
household had lighted the oven, the broiler, and the 
other burners and felt certain the old servant un¬ 
derstood its operations, the mistress hurried for her 
train. 

She was absent two weeks and one of her first 
questions to mammy was how she had worried 
along. 

“De fines’ ever,” was the reply. “And dat air 
gas stove—oh, my! Why, do you know, Miss 
Flo’ence, dat fire ain’t gon’ out yit.” 

Full Panel. 

The jurors filed into the jury-box and after all 
the twelve seats were filled there still remained one 
juror standing outside. 

“If the Court please,” said the clerk, “they have 
made a mistake and sent us thirteen jurors instead 
of twelve. What do you want to do with this extra 
one?” 

“What is your name?” asked the judge of the 
extra man. 

“Joseph A. Braines,” he replied. 

“Mr. Clerk,” said the judge, “take this man back 
to the jury commissioners and tell them we don’t 
need him as we already have here twelve men with¬ 
out Braines.” 


148 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


The Wonder of It. 

Little Clarence—“Pa!” 

His Father—“Well, son?” 

Little Clarence—“I took a walk through the 
cemetery to-day and read the inscription on the 
tombstones.” 

His Father—“And what were your thoughts 
after you had done so?” 

Little Clarence—“Why, pa, I wondered where all 
the wicked people were buried.” 

Not His Fault. 

“Oratory is a gift, not an acquirement,” said the 
proud politician, as he sat down after an hour’s 
harangue. 

“I understand,” said the matter-of-fact chair¬ 
man. “We’re not blamin’ you. You done the best 
you could.” 

Not the Same. 

A child of strict parents, whose greatest joy had 
hitherto been the weekly prayer-meeting, was 
taken by its nurse to the circus for the first time. 
When he came home he exclaimed: 

‘ Oh, mamma, if you once went to the circus 
you’d never, never go to prayer-meeting again in 
all your life.” 

His Confession. 

In a burst of penitence little Freddie was telling 
his mother what a wicked boy he had been. 

“The other day, mamma,” he said, “I found the 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


149 


church door unlocked and I went inside. There 
wasn’t anybody there and I—” 

“You didn’t take anything away, did you, son?” 
she asked. 

“Worse than that; I—” 

“Did you mutilate the hymn-books or play any 
tricks of that kind?” 

“Oh, lots worse than that, mamma,” sobbed 
Freddie. “I went and sat down in the amen cor¬ 
ner and said, ‘Darn it!’ ” 

Nolle Prossed. 

Rastus had caught Sambo red-handed. 

“Ah’m gwine had yo’ arrested foh stealin’ mah 
chickens, yo’ Sambo Washington—dat’s jess what 
Ah’m gwine to do,” said Rastus. 

“Go ahead, niggah,” retorted Sambo. “Go 
ahead and had me arrested. Ah’ll mek yo’ prove 
whar yo’ got dem chickens yo’seff!” 

Oh, Yes, He Knew Him. 

General Miles tells how he once put a question 
or two to a veteran Negro soldier who was an in¬ 
mate of a soldiers’ home. The old fellow was sun¬ 
ning himself on the grass, when the general en¬ 
gaged him in conversation, touching his campaigns 
and the officers he had fought under. “Did you 
ever see Grant?” asked the visitor. 

“Did I ever see Grant?” repeated the old fellow, 
with a superior smile. “Why, I was a-layin on de 
ground after one battle, when I heahs de sound of 


150 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


hosses’ hoofs, and den a voice calls out, ‘Is dat yo\ 
Morgan?* 

“I knowed in a second dat it was Gin’ral Grant. 
‘Yassah,’ I says, very respectful. 

“ ‘Come heah!’ says Gin’ral Grant. 

“I gits up, reluctant-like. I was kinder tired out. 
“ ‘I wants yo’ to git back home,’ says Gin’ral 
Grant. 

“ ‘Why?’ says I, still respectful. 

“ ‘Cause you’re killin’ too many men,” says the 
Gin’ral.” 


Placing Daniel. 

“Who was Webster?” asked a member of the 
school board. 

“A statesman,” said one boy. 

“An orator,” said another. 

“But what is a statesman?” asked the gentleman. 

“A man who goes around making speeches,” an¬ 
swered a small boy. 

“That’s not just exactly right,” said the gentle¬ 
man, smiling. 

“Now, I go around making speeches once in a 
while, but I’m not a statesman at all.” 

“I know,” spoke up a bright little fellow. “It’s 
a man who goes around making good speeches.” 

Even a Detective Doesn’t Know Everything. 

Wm. J. Burns, the great detective, once suf¬ 
fered a loss of reputation with at least one man. He 
told the story himself: 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


151 


“I well remember,” said he, smiling, “a walk I 
once took down Market Street, in San Francisco. 
As I strode along, proud and happy, a rose in my 
buttonhole and a gold-headed cane in my hand, a 
drunken man had the imprudence to stop me. 

“ ‘Ain’t you Mr. Burns?’ he asked. 

“ ‘Yes,’ said I. ‘What of it?’ 

“ ‘Mr. Burns, the detective?’ he hiccoughed. 

“ ‘Yes, yes. Who are you?’ I asked impatiently. 

“ ‘Mr. Burns,’ said he, ‘I’ll tell you who I am. 
I’m—hie—the husband of your washerwoman.’ 

“ ‘Well, what of that?’ 

“My scorn brought a sneer to the man’s lips, and 
he said: 

“ ‘You see, you don’t know everything, Mr. 
Burns.’ 

“ ‘What don’t I know?’ 

“ ‘Well,’ said he, ‘you don’t know that—hie— 
I’m wearin’ one of your new white shirts.’ ” 

An Emergency. 

When a certain darkey of Mobile, Alabama, 
announced his engagement to the dusky one of his 
choice, the congratulations that were showered 
upon him included a note of wonder. 

“Joe,” said one of these friends, “I shore is sur¬ 
prised! We-all never thought you’d speak up. 
It’s going on two years sence you begun to fool 
around Miss Violet.” 

“Dat’s true,” said Joe; “but de fact is, old man, I 
didn’t lose my job until last night.” 


152 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Pretty Bad. 

Senator Kenyon, who was recently elected to the 
lamented Dolliver’s place in the Senate, is credited 
with this story: 

“Judging from the stuff printed in the news¬ 
papers, we are a pretty bad lot. Almost in the 
class a certain miss whom I know unconsciously 
puts us in. It was at a recent examination at her 
school that the question was put, ‘Who makes the 
laws of our government?” 

“ ‘Congress,’ was the united reply. 

‘How is Congress divided?’ was the next query. 

“My young friend raised her hand. 

“ ‘Well,’ said the teacher, ‘what do you say the 
answer is?’ 

“Instantly, with an air of confidence as well as 
triumph, the miss replied, ‘Civilized, half-civilized, 
and savage.’ ” 

Suspicious. 

Johnny Williams had been “bad” again. 

“Ah me, Johnny!” sighed his Sunday-school 
teacher, “I am afraid we shall never meet in 
heaven.” 

“What have you been doin’?” asked Johnny, 
with a grin. 

A Poser. 

The supervisor of a school was trying to prove 
that children are lacking in observation. 

To the children he said, “Now, children, tell me 
a number to put on the board.” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


153 


Some child said, “Thirty-six.” The supervisor 
wrote sixty-three. 

He asked for another number, and seventy-six 
was given. He wrote sixty-seven. 

When a third number was asked, a child who ap¬ 
parently had paid no attention called out: 

“Theventy-theven. Change that, you darned 
thucker!” 

A Hint. 

Two witnesses were at the Waterford Assizes in 
a case which concerned long-continued poultry¬ 
stealing. As usual, nothing could be got from them 
in the way of evidence until the nearly baffled 
prosecuting counsel asked, in an angry tone of 
voice, “Will you swear on your soul, Pat Murphy, 
that Phady Hooligan has never to your knowledge 
stolen chickens?” 

The responsibility of this was too much, even for 
Pat. “Bedad, I would hardly swear by me soul,” 
he said; “but I do know that if I was a chicken and 
Phady about I’d roost high!” 

Obliging. 

A farmer boy and his best girl were seated in a 
buggy one evening in town watching the people 
pass. Nearby was a popcorn-vender’s stand. 

Presenty the lady remarked: “My! that popcorn 
smells good!” 

“That’s right,” said the gallant. “I’ll drive up a 
little closer so you can smell it better.” 


154 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Ways of Providence. 

Two dear old ladies were discussing husbands. 
Said the first: “I have been married three times. 
Each of my husbands is dead, though. They were 
all cremated.” 

Her friend was a dear old maiden lady. She 
listened attentively to her friend, and when she 
had concluded the sad story of her life she said: 
“How wonderful are the ways of Providence! Here 
I’ve lived all these years, and have never been able 
to get one husband, and you’ve had husbands to 
burn.” 

Tact. 

The president of a small college was visiting the 
little town that had been his former home and had 
been asked to address an audience of his former 
neighbors. In order to assure them that his career 
had not caused him to put on airs, he began his ad¬ 
dress thus: 

“My dear friends—I won’t call you ladies and 
gentlemen—I know you too well to say that.” 

Subtraction. 

The teacher was hearing the youthful class in 
mathematics. 

“Now,” she said, “in order to subtract, things 
have to be in the same denomination. For instance, 
we wouldn’t take three pears from four peaches, nor 
eight horses from ten cats. Do you understand?” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


155 


There was assent from the majority of pupils. 
One of the little boys in the rear raised a timid hand. 

“Well, Bobby, what is it?” asked teacher. 

“Please, teacher,” said Bobby, “couldn’t you take 
three quarts of milk from two cows?” 

The Divine’s Fault. 

1 Governor Foss, of Massachusetts, tells of a well- 
known divine who was visiting a State prison, when 
he came across a prisoner whose features were fa¬ 
miliar to him. 

“What brought you here, my poor fellow?” he 
asked. 

“You married me to a new woman a little while 
ago, sir,” the prisoner replied, with a sigh. 

“Ah, I see,” said the parson; “and she was domi¬ 
neering and extravagant, and she drove you to 
desperate courses, eh?” 

“No,” said the prisoner, “my old woman turned 
up.” 

He Got His. 

An aged colored man was engaged in burning the 
grass off the lawn of a young broker when the latter 
returned to his home and, thinking to have some 
fun with the old man, said: 

“Sambo, if you burn that grass the entire lawn 
will be as black as you are.” 

“Dat’s all right, suh,” responded the Negro. 
“Some o’ dese days dat grass grow up an’ be as 
green as youa are.” 


156 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Bright or Lazy. 

“Johnny, I don’t believe you’ve studied your 
geography.” 

“No, mum; I heard pa say tha map of the world 
was changing every day an’ I thought I’d wait a 
few years, till things got settled.” 

A Makeshift. 

“Look here, Mose, I thought you were going to 
be baptized into the Baptist church?” 

“Yaas, sah, I was. But since it’s winter, I’s 
bein’ sprinkled into de ’Piscopal till de summer 
comes.” 

Too Soon to Tell. 

Tommy had been playing truant from school, 
and had spent a long, beautiful day fishing. On his 
way back he met one of his young cronies, who ac¬ 
costed him with the usual question, “Catch any¬ 
thing?” At this Tommy, in all the consciousness 
of guilt, quickly responded, “Nope—ain’t been 
home yet.” 

Easy. 

“Patrick, the widow Maloney tells me that you 
stole one of her finest pigs. Is it correct?” 

“Yes, your riverence.” 

“What have you done with it?” 

“Killed it and ate it, your riverence.” 

“Oh, Patrick, Patrick! When you are brought 
face to face with the widow and the pig, on the 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


157 


great judgment day, what account will you be 
able to give of yourself when the widow accuses you 
of stealing?” 

“Did you say the pig would be there, your 
riverince?” 

“To be sure, I did ” 

“Well, then, your riverence, I’d say, ‘Mrs. Ma¬ 
loney, there’s your pig.’ ” 

The Dutchman’s Address to His Dog. 

A Dutchman addressing his dog said: 

“You vas only a dog und I vas a man but I vish I 
vas you. Ven you go mit bed in, you shust turn 
dree times und lay down. Ven I go mit bed in I haf 
to lock up the blace und vind der clock und put de 
cat out und undress myself und my vife vakes up 
und scoles me, den de baby cries und I haf to vawk 
him up and down—den maybe und I shust got to 
shleep it’s time to get up again. Ven you get up, 
stretch yourself und scratch a couple of times und 
you vas up. I haf to light der fire and put on the 
kittle, scrap some mit vife alretty, und maybe get 
some breakfast. You blay around all day und haf 
lots of fun. Ven you die you vas ded; ven I die I 
haf to go to hell yet.” 

That Bright Boy. 

J Not many years ago Frank Butterworth was in 
the football limelight. When Frank was about 
twelve years of age, his distinguished father, Rep¬ 
resentative Ben Butterworth, was seriously ill for a 


158 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


long while, but recovered. When he was con¬ 
valescent his personal and political friends called 
on him and tendered hearty congratulations. Big 
Ben Butterworth thanked his callers, and said: 

“Yes, boys, I was so near the other shore that I 
could hear the bells ringing a welcome to me.” 

“Were they fire-bells, papa?” inquired little 
Frank. 

Limited Bait. 

A teacher was one afternoon examining a class of 
young boys in geography. He said: 

“Now, boys, what do you think that Noah did 
while he was in the ark?” 

After waiting several minutes he saw one hand 
go up, and the little chap, on being asked what he 
thought that Noah did, replied: 

“Sir, I think he might have fished some.” 

“Yes,” said the instructor, “that is possible; he 
might have fished some.” 

Presently another small hand went up. The 
teacher asked this one what he thought about it. 

The small boy said, “I don’t think that he fished 
very long, because he only had two worms.” 

Making Sure. 

O’Reily was a henpecked husband, unforgiving 
even when Mrs. O’Reily had been called to the 
“great beyond.” He refused to have anything to 
do with the funeral or go to the cemetery. All of 
the arrangements were looked after by neighbors. 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


159 


When they had straightened up the house they got 
O’Reily to consent to come in and look over the 
floral offerings of the friends. Then they asked 
him if there was anything further they could do be¬ 
fore they took their leave. Still regarding the 
floral pieces, O’Reily nodded and observed: 

“If yez don’t moind, yez might close thim ‘Gates 
Ajar.’ ’’ 

Her Father in Trouble. 

' When Grover Cleveland’s little girl was quite 
young her father once telephoned to the White 
House from Chicago and asked Mrs. Cleveland to 
bring the child to the phone. Lifting the little one 
up to the instrument, Mrs. Cleveland watched her 
expression change from bewilderment to wonder 
and then to fear. It was surely her father’s voice 
—yet she looked at the telephone incredulously. 
After examining the tiny opening in the receiver 
the little girl burst into tears. “Oh, mamma!” 
she sobbed. “How can we ever get papa out of 
that little hole?” 

From the Initiated. 

^ “The shortest after-dinner speech I ever heard,” 
said Cy Warman, the poet, “was at a dinner in 
Providence, Rhode Island. 

“A man was assigned to the topic, ‘The Christian 
in Politics.’ When he was called upon he arose, 
bowed and said: ‘Mr. Chairman, ladies and gentle¬ 
men: The Christian in Politics—he ain’t.’ ” 


160 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


His Ancestry. 

King Edward was very fond of his eldest grand¬ 
son, and liked talking to him. When the little 
Prince was eleven his grandfather asked him what 
he was studying in his history lesson, and was told, 
“Oh, all about Perkin Warbeck?” The king asked, 
“Who was Perkin Warbeck?” and the lad replied: 
“He pretended that he was the son of a king. But 
he wasn’t; he was the son of respectable parents.” 

More Palatable. 

Thomas W. Lawson, at a dinner in Boston, said 
of a far-famed financier: 

“He is all right at heart, but his outside is prickly 
and you must handle him with great caution, as 
they handled the Tin Can gambler. 

“A gambler of Tin Can borrowed a sum from a 
money-lender, and, when the note fell due, he said 
he could not settle. 

“ 'You must settle!’ shouted the money-lender. 
'If you don’t settle I’ll—’ 

“But the gambler, taking a revolver from his 
boot pointed it at the money-lender and said: 

“ ‘Eat that note, or I’ll let daylight through you!’ 

“And the money-lender, after a moment’s silent 
thought, crumpled the note into a ball, put it in his 
mouth, chewed vigorously, and then, with a gulp, 
swallowed the pulpy morsel. 

“ ‘That dose saved your life’ said the gambler, in 
a mollified tone, and the next day he had a streak 
of luck and paid the money-lender in full. 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


161 


“The money-lender was much pleased with this 
honesty, and when the gambler, a few weeks later, 
called and asked for a new loan, he was readily ac¬ 
commodated. 

The gambler, having pocketed the new loan, sat 
down, dipped a pen in the ink, and selected a sheet 
of paper whereon to write the usual acknowledg¬ 
ment. But the money-lender hastily interposed. 

11 ‘Hold on, my friend,’ he said, and he ran to a 
cupboard. 

“ ‘Wait a minute, my friend. Would you mind 
writing it on this soda cracker?’ ” 

In Language He Knew. 

Stanley Jordan, the well-known Episcopal min¬ 
ister, having cause to be anxious about his son’s 
college examinations, told him to telegraph the 
result. The boy sent the following message to his 
parent, “Hymn 342, fifth verse, last two lines.” 

Looking it up the father found the words: 

“Sorrow vanquished, labor ended, Jordan 
Passed.” 

This World First. 

There is an English church where a box hangs on 
the porch. It is used for communications for the 
pastor. Cranks put their notes in it, but occa¬ 
sionally it does fulfill its purpose. Recently the 
minister preached, by request, a sermon on Rec¬ 
ognition of Friends in Heaven, and during the 
week the following note was found in the box 
li 


162 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


“Dear Sir:—I should be much obliged to you if you 
could make it convenient to preach to your con¬ 
gregation on The Recognition of Friends on Earth,’ 
as I have been coming to your church for nearly six 
months, and nobody has taken any notice of me 
yet.” 

Kept Them Hustling. 

“A good turkey dinner and mince pie,” said a 
well-known after-dinner orator, “always puts us in 
a lethargic mood—makes us feel, in fact, like the 
natives of Nola Chucky. In Nola Chucky one day 
I said to a man: 

“ 'What is the principal occupation of this 
town?’ 

“ 'Wall, boss,’ the man answered, yawning, ‘in 
winter they mostly sets on the east side of the house 
and follers the sun around to the west, and in sum¬ 
mer they sets on the west side and follers the shade 
around to the east.’ ” 

What She Wanted. 

A big colored woman came before a Virginia 
judge, seeking redress for domestic troubles. 

‘Ts a wronged woman,” she declared, “an’ I 
wants redress fru dis here co’t.” 

“Tell me about your trouble,” said the kind- 
hearted judge. 

“It’s about mah ole man. He’s done been 
ca’yn on plumb scannalous wif a lot of dese here 
young niggah gals, an’ it’s got so bad ’twill I don’t 


CANNED LAUGHTER 163 

see him no moah’n once a week. Somp’ns gottah 
be did!” 

“H’m! I see,” said the judge. “You are seek¬ 
ing a divorce—a legal separation—is that it?” 

“Go ’long, man! Divo’ce nothin’! Think Vs 
gwine t’ gib him what he wants, and ’lows dat man 
who, ’spite all his cussedness, is de han’somest 
niggah in Coon Tree Holler, t’ go skyhootin’ ’roun’ 
’mong dem little yaller gals? N’ sah! I doan want 
no divo’ce, n’r dat legal septitution you-all’s talkin’ 
about. N’ sah, jedge: what I wants is a injunction.” 

His Only Hope. 

The doctor stood by the bedside and looked 
gravely down at the sick man. 

“I cannot hide from you the fact that you are 
very ill,” he said. 

“Is there anyone you would like to see?” 

“Yes,” said the sufferer, faintly. 

“Who is it?” 

“Another doctor.” 

A Warm-weather Job. 

A Negro boy from Louisiana got into Boone, 
Iowa, during a cold spell last winter. He was 
thinly clad; the first job he got was cleaning snow 
off the sidewalks. 

As he was at work he stopped a passer-by and 
asked: “Mistuh, cain you tell me whar I kin find 
some other job than this? I ain’t nevah goin’ to 
shovel snow agin whar it’s cold.” 


164 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Half Mourning. 

Miss Lee, of Virginia, had a Negro maid who was 
always asking her mistress for her clothes long be¬ 
fore she was through with them. One day Diana’s 
husband died and she went into deep mourning. In 
a very short time, however, she asked her mistress 
for a certain hat, which was trimmed with bright- 
red roses. Much surprised and amused, Miss Lee 
remarked: 

“Why, Diana, you cannot wear that hat, you are 
in deep mourning for Toby and it would look out¬ 
rageous.” 

“Law, Miss,” returned Diana quite cheerfully, 
“I’s thinking of going out of mourning from the 
waist up.” 

Nighttime for That. 

In the struggling days at Tuskegee, Booker T. 
Washington found that he would have to use an 
old chickenhouse for a schoolroom. 

“Uncle,” he said to an old colored man, “I want 
you to come down at nine o’clock to-morrow morn¬ 
ing and help me clean out a hen-house.” 

“Law, now, Mr. Washington, the old man ex¬ 
postulated, you-all don’t want to begin cleanin’ 
out no hen-house roun’ yere in de daytime.” 

What Anatomy Is. 

A little colored school girl down in Florida, in an¬ 
swer to the question “What is Anatomy?” wrote the 
following: “Anatomy is a human body. It is divided 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


165 


into three parts—the haid, the chest, and the stum- 
mick. The haid holds the skull and the brain if 
they is any; the chest holds the liver and the lites, 
and the stummick holds the entrails and the vowels, 
which are a, e, i, o, and u, and sometimes w, y.” 

His Progress. 

An old Southern planter met one of his former 
Negroes whom he had not seen for a long time. 
“Well, well!” said the planter. “What are you 
doing now, Uncle Amos?” 

“I’s preaching de gospel.” 

“What! You preaching?” 

“Yassah, marster, I’se a-preachin.” 

“Well, well! Do you use notes, Amos?” 

“Nossuh. At de fust I use notes, but now I de¬ 
mands de cash.” 

Kindly Advice. 

A colored man was brought before a police judge 
charged with stealing chickens. He pleaded guilty, 
and received sentence, when the judge asked how 
it was he managed to lift those chickens right under 
the window of the owner’s house when there was a 
dog in the yard. 

“Hit wouldn’t be of no use, jedge,” said the 
man, “to try to ’splain dis thing to you all. Ef you 
was to try it you like as not would get yer hide full 
o’ shot an’ git no chickens, nuther. Ef you want 
to engage in any rascality, jedge, yo’ better stick 
to de bench, whar yo’ am familiar.” 


166 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Reaching Her Limit. 

She was a new cook and anxious to please. So 
was the mistress anxious that she should, especially 
on a certain evening when there was a special 
company at dinner. To the consternation of the 
hostess, appeared Bridget, holding before her a 
plate of tomatoes, but arrayed minus her waist and 
skirt. 

“Well, ma’am,” she said. “I did it—did what 
ye told me—bring the tomatoes in undressed. But 
I’ll lose me place furst before I will take off another 
stitch.” 

On for Good. 

Little Alice was going on a journey, and Lily, her 
very colored nurse, was kneeling before her, polish¬ 
ing her little shoes. 

“I want ter do ’em real good, baby, so they’ll 
stay black while you are away.” 

Baby watched her seriously a moment, then re¬ 
marked pleasantly: 

“I tell you, Lily, God shoe-polished you real 
good before you went away, didn’t he?” 

Her Source of Comfort. 

One day a pastor was calling upon a dear old 
lady, one of the “pillars” of the church to which 
they both belonged. As he thought of her long- 
placid countenance bearing but few tokens of her 
ninety-two years of earthly pilgrimage, he was 
moved to ask her: “My dear Mrs. S., what has been 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


167 


the chief source of your strength and sustenance 
during all these years? What has appealed to you 
as the real basis of your unusual vigor of mind and 
body, and has been to you an unfailing comfort 
through joy and sorrow? Tell me, that I may pass 
the secret on to others, and, if possible, profit by it 
myself.” 

The old lady thought a moment, then, lifting her 
eyes, dim with age yet kindling with sweet memo¬ 
ries of the past, answered briefly, “Victuals.” 

All Made Clear. 

A woman missionary in China was taking tea 
with a mandarin’s eight wives. The Chinese ladies 
examined her clothing, her hair, her teeth, and so 
on, but her feet especially amazed them. 

“Why,” cried one, “you can walk and run as 
well as a man!” 

“Yes, to be sure,” said the missionary. 

“Can you ride a horse and swim, too?” 

“Yes.” 

“Then you must be as strong as a man!” 

“I am.” 

“And you wouldn’t let a man beat you—not 
even if he was your husband—would you?” 

“Indeed I wouldn’t,” the missionary said. 

The mandarin’s eight wives looked at one an¬ 
other, nodding their heads. Then the oldest said, 
softly: 

“Now I understand why the foreign devil never 
has more than one wife. He is afraid!” 


168 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Different Complexion. 

A stranger in Boston was once interested to dis¬ 
cover, when dining with friends, that the dessert 
he would have classed as cream layer-cake at home 
was known in Boston as Washington pie. The next 
time he lunched at a restaurant he ordered the 
same thing; but the waiter put before him a rather 
heavy-looking square of cake covered with choco¬ 
late. A puzzled expression came over his face as he 
said reprovingly, “I ordered Washington pie, 
waiter.” 

“That is Washington pie, sir.” 

“Well,” expostulated the disappointed man, “I 
did not mean Booker T.—I want George.” 

Chronic Bungler. 

The topic that was being talked in Washington 
related to the proper training of children, which 
reminded Congressman Oscar Calloway, of Texas, 
of an incident that occurred in one of the small 
towns in his State. 

“For the fifth time,” the Congressman said, “a 
colored boy was arrested on a charge of appro¬ 
priating chickens, and the magistrate decided to 
try an appeal to the lad’s father.” 

“Look here, Rastus,” said the magistrate, when 
the father appeared in court, “this is the fifth time 
that your son Ebenezer has been in this court, and 
I am tired of seeing him here.” 

“I don’t blame yo’, jedge,” responded the father, 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


169 


a little sadly. “I’se tired ob seeing him here my- 
se’f.” 

"Then why don’t you teach him how to act?” 
demanded the magistrate. “Why don’t you show 
him the right way?” 

"Say, jedge,” earnestly replied the father, "I hab 
done gone an’ show dat boy de right way a dozen 
times, but somehow he alius git caught wid de 
chickens on him.” 

Why He Groaned. 

A small pickaninny heaved a jug over the counter 
to the grocer. 

"Mammy wants er dime’s wuth er ’lasses, she 
announced. 

Knowing the family ways, the grocer was in¬ 
quisitive. 

"Got yo’ dime with you, Sally?” he asked. 

"Yas, suh.” 

Thereupon the grocer went below to the molasses 
barrel in the cellar. It was a cold day and the 
stream ran slowly from the spigot, but he whistled 
and stamped about for ten minutes to keep up his 
temperature as well as his courage. At last the jug 
was filled and his cold and lonely vigil ended. He 
returned and heaved the jug back over the counter. 

"Lemme have yo’ dime, Sally,” he said. 

Sally’s eyes grew white and wide. 

"Law’s a mussy,” she exclaimed; "if mammy 
ain’t gone an’ put dat dime in de bottom er dat 
jug.” 


170 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Heading Them Off. 

Aunt Cindy was running around the yard in the 
rear of her cabin seeking to drive into her henhouse 
a dozen or so of chickens that seemed anxious to go 
anywhere but in the henhouse. 

“Why do you go to all that trouble, Aunt 
Cindy?” asked a passerby. “Don’t you know that 
chickens come home to roost?” 

“Sho’ I knows it, white folks,” answered Aunt 
Cindy, “an’ dat’s de trouble—dey goin’ home to 
roos’!” 

Taking Chances. 

An aviator descended in a field and said to a 
rather well-dressed individual, “Here, mind my 
machine a minute, will you?” 

“What?” the well-dressed individual snarled. 
“Me mind your machine? Why, I’m a United 
States Senator!” 

“Well, what of it?” said the aviator. “I’ll trust 
you.” 

Pragmatism. 

This was the note which was handed to one of 
the grade teachers the other day: 

“Dear Mum—Please ixcuse Johnny to-day. He 
will not be at school. He is acting as timekeeper for 
his father. Last night you gave him this iximple, 
if a field is 4 miles square how long will it take a man 
walking 3 miles an hour to walk 2 K times around 
it? Johnny ain’t no man, so we had to send his 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


171 


daddy. They left early this morning, and my 
husband said they ought to be back late to¬ 
night, tho’ it would be hard going. Dear Mum, 
please make the nixt problem about ladies, as my 
husband can’t afford to lose the day’s work. I 
don’t have no time to loaf, but I can spare a day off 
occasionally better than my husband can. Resp’y 
yours. Mrs. Jones.” 

Some Mourner. 

Down in Georgia a Negro, who had his life in¬ 
sured for several hundred dollars, died and left 
the money to his widow. She immediately bought 
herself a very elaborate mourning outfit. 

Showing her purchases to her friend, she was 
very particular in going into detail as to prices and 
all incidental particulars. Her friend was very 
much impressed, and remarked: 

“Them sho’ is fine does, but, befo’ heaven, what 
is you goin’ to do wid all dis black underwear?” 

The bereaved one sighed: 

“Chile, when I mourns I mourns.” 

Minute Details. 

A young man who needed false teeth wrote to a 
dentist ordering a set as follows : 

“My mouth is three inches acorst, five-eights 
inches three the jaw. Some hummocky on the 
edge. Shaped like a hoss-shew, toe forward. If 
you want me to be more particular, I shall have to 
come thar.” 


172 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Prepared. 

A commercial traveler at a railway station in 
one of our Southern towns included in his order for 
breakfast two boiled eggs. The old darkey who 
served him brought him three. 

“Uncle,” said the traveling man, “why in the 
world did you bring me three boiled eggs? I only 
ordered two.” 

“Yes, sir,” said the old darkey, bowing and smil¬ 
ing, “I know you did order two, sir, but I brought 
three, because I just naturally felt dat one of dem 
might fail you, sir.” 

Hygiene in Laughter. 

A lawyer got into an argument with a physician 
over the relative merits of their respective profes¬ 
sions. 

“I don’t say that all lawyers are crooks,” said 
the doctor, “but you’ll have to admit that your 
profession doesn’t make angels of men.” 

“No,” retorted the attorney, “you doctors cer¬ 
tainly have the best of us there.”/ 

Just What He Wanted. 

Representative Livingston says that he was once 
in a little crossroads store in Georgia, when an old 
darkey came shambling in. 

“Hello, Uncle Mose!” the proprietor greeted 
him. “I hear that you got converted at last at the 
camp-meeting, and have given up drinking.” 

“Yas, sah, ah done seed de error ob mah ways an’ 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


173 


turn roun’ an’ headed fer de narrer path,” Uncle 
Mose declared, fervently. 

“Well, you deserve a great deal of credit for that, 
Uncle Mose,” the merchant said, approvingly. 

“Yas, sah, tank yo\ sah,” Uncle Mose exclaimed, 
delightedly; “dat’s des what Ah thought, an’ Ah 
’lowed Ah’d come in hyah an’ git you-all to gib me 
credit fer some side meat an’ meal.” 

A Change. 

Mrs. Smarte—“The doctor insists that I must 
spend the next few weeks abroad. He says I need 
a change.” 

Mr. Smarte—“So you do; chat’s a fact. 

Mrs. Smarte—“Ah! You agree?” 

Mr. Smarte—“Yes, you need a change—of doc¬ 
tors.” 

What He Was Crying For. 

“What are you crying for, my poor little boy?” 
said a man to a crying boy. 

“Pa fell downstairs.” 

“Don’t take on so, my boy. He’ll get better 
soon.” 

“That isn’t it. Sister saw him fall—all the way. 
I never saw nuffen.” 

The Parrot that Quit Talking. 

Kerrigan went on a trip to South America, and 
while there bought a present for O’Brien in the 
shape of a pretty Spanish parrot, which was 


174 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


shipped to O’Brien. When he got back home he 
said to O’Brien: 

“Dinny, did ye get the foine parrot Oi sent ye?” 

“Oi did that, Kerrigan, and Oi wants to tell ye 
that Oi never put me teeth into a tougher bird in 
me life!” 

No Need. 

“I suppose,” said a sympathizing neighbor, “that 
you will erect a handsome monument to your hus¬ 
band’s memory?” 

“To his memory?” echoed the tearful widow. 
“Why, poor John hadn’t any. I was sorting over 
some of his clothes he left to-day, and found the 
pockets full of letters I had given him to post.” 

Summer Wear. 

Patrick worked for a notoriously stingy boss and 
lost no chance to let the fact be known. Once a 
waggish friend, wishing to twit him, remarked: 

“Pat, I hear your boss just gave you a brand new 
suit of clothes.” 

“No,” said Pat, “only a part of a suit.” 

“What part?” 

“The sleeves iv the vest!” 

And a Bargain at That. 

A little boy had got into the habit of saying 
“darn,’’ of which his mother naturally did not ap¬ 
prove. 

“Dear,” she said to the little boy, “here is ten 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


175 


cents: it is yours if you will promise me not to say 
‘darn’ again.” 

“All right, mother,” he said as he took the money, 
“I promise.” 

As he lovingly fingered the money a hopeful look 
came into his eyes, and he said, “Say, mother, I 
know a word that’s worth fifty cents.” 

Law-abiding. 

“What are they moving the church for?” 

“Well, stranger, I’m the mayor of these diggin’s, 
an’ I’m for law enforcement. We’ve got an ordi¬ 
nance what says no saloon shall be nearer than 
three hundred feet from a church. I give ’em three 
days to move the church.” 

Incidental Case. 

Dr. Rube Tinker was a qualified M. D., but, 
settling in a cattle country and finding the demand 
strong, he had added veterinary work to his other 
practice. 

“Nothing serious,” announced the doctor, after 
examining a valuable bull which he had been sum¬ 
moned post-haste to treat. “Give him one of these 
powders in a quart of bran mash three times a day.” 

The rancher heaved a sigh of relief. 

“Wait,” he said, as the M. D., V. S., was about 
to leave, “I reckon, as long as you’re here, you might 
as well have a look at the old woman. She’s been 
ailin’ for a month or two.” 


176 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Hopeless. 

A typical Southern “mammy” entered the office 
of a well-known attorney, and, after mopping her 
shining brow with a bandanna handkerchief, said 
to the man at the desk: 

“Ah wants t’ git a divo’ce f’om mah husban’, 
Mose Lightfoot.” 

“On what grounds?” asked the attorney. 

“He’s jes natchelly wufless,” was the reply. 

“What is your husband’s occupation?” 

“He jes sets roun’ de house all day and p’tends 
to mind de baby-.” 

“Does he take good care of the child?” 

“ ’Deed he do not! He is too lazy. Dis mawnin’ 
he tried to make de dawg rock de cradle by tyin’ 
its tail to one ob de rockers.” 

“Did the scheme work?” 

“Land sakes, no! Mose am so evahlastin’ 
grouchy dat he couldn’t speak enough kind words 
to make de dawg wag its tail!” 

Never Fails. 

“Doctor, my wife has lost her voice. What can 
I do about it?” 

“Try getting home late some night.” 

Secret. 

Judge—“Where did you get those chickens, 
Rufus?” 

Rufus—“You wouldn’t have me giv up rna trade 
secret, would yer, judge?” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


177 


Cleared. 

“Who’s been stealing my coal?” 

“I reckon it was the squirrels, cap’n.” 

“Squirrels?” 

“Yesseh. Dat was nut coal, cap’n.” 

“Well, I’m glad it wasn’t egg coal, or I might 
think it was you.” 

Why She Asked. 

Little Mary, seven years old, was saying her 
prayers. “And God,” she petitioned at the close, 
“make seven times six 48.” “Why, Mary, why 
did you say that?” asked her mother. “ ’Cause 
that’s the way I wrote it in zamination in school 
to-day, and I want it to be right.” 

What It Is. 

This illustration of the tango is credited to an 
Arkansas City Negro: 

“Dat tango, boss, am sort of a easy motion. Ye 
jes go a-stealing along easy like ye didn’t have any 
knee joints and wuz walkin’ on eggs that cost fo’ty 
cents a dozen.” 

Defective Eyesight. 

A gentleman was standing in the lobby of one of 
Birmingham’s leading hotels when someone made 
a remark about it being so easy to get a little “wet 
refreshments” in the Magic City. The young man 
said: “I have been in Birmingham for nine days 
and I have never found that wet spot yet, and I 
12 


178 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


want to tell you I have looked for it, too.” The 
“never sleep” Negro porter of this hostelry had 
become interested in the conversation, and, ad¬ 
vancing close enough to the speaker to tip his cap 
politely, asked this question, “Boss, where is you 
been stopping since you come to town—in de 
cemetery?” 

Fast Growers. 

“P’taters is good this mornin’, madam,” said the 
old farmer making his usual weekly call. 

“Oh, are they?” retoited the customer. “That 
reminds me. How is it that them you sold me last 
week is so much smaller at the bottom of the 
basket than at the top?” 

“Wall,” replied the old man, “p’taters is growin’ 
so fast now that by the time I get a basketful dug 
the last ones is about twice the size of the first.” 

Limited Advice. 

An Irish priest had labored hard with one of his 
flock to induce him to give up the habit of drink¬ 
ing, but the man was reluctant. 

“I tell you, Michael,” said the priest, “whisky is 
your worst enemy, and you should keep as far away 
from it as you can.” 

“My inimy, is it, father?” responded Michael. 
“And it was your riverince’s silf that was tellin’ us 
in the pulpit Only last Sunday to love our inimies!” 

“So I was, Michael,” rejoined the priest; “but 
was I anywhere telling you to swallow ’em?” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


179 


Evident. 

In a registration booth in San Francisco an old 
colored woman had just finished registering for the 
first time. 

“Am you shore,” she asked the clerk, “dat I’se 
done all I has to do?” 

“Quite sure,” replied the clerk; “you see it’s very 
simple.” 

“I’d ought to knowed it,” said the old woman. 
“If those fool men folks been doing it all dese years, 
I might-a known it was a powerful simple process.” 

Climbing Out of a Hole. 

Everyone has heard authentic stories of the man 
who asked another, “Who is that old frump over 
yonder?” and got the reply, “She is my wife.” But 
the story doesn’t go far enough. 

Jones observed an old lady sitting across the 
room. 

“For heaven’s sake!” he remarked to Robinson, 
“who is that extraordinarily ugly woman there?” 

“That,” answered Robinson, “is my wife.” 

Jones was taken aback, but moved up front 
again. 

“Well,” he said persuasively, “you just ought to 
see mine!” 

Last Ditch Fight. 

An old gentleman, now deceased, never seemed 
to be satisfied unless he had several cases pending 
in court. He left surviving a son who seems to 


180 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


have followed in his footsteps and has continued 
to keep up his father’s record of proceedings in 
court. 

Several of the attorneys were talking about his 
court troubles one day, when one of them told the 
following about the old gent: 

‘‘The old gent had just won a case in the justice 
court, when the loser in a very combative frame of 
mind exclaimed, Til law you to the circuit court.’ 

“Old Gent—Til be thar.’ 

“Loser—‘And I’ll law you to the Supreme 
Court!’ 

“ ‘I’ll be thar.’ 

“ ‘I’ll law you to ’ell!’ 

“ ‘My attorney’ll be thar.” 

Very Foolish, Indeed. 

Willie likes to hear about historical heroes. He 
is very critical, and when he thinks he has dis¬ 
covered any errors of judgment on their part he 
never hesitates to express himself. Recently, when 
his mother had read him “The Midnight Ride of 
Paul Revere” he said, almost contemptuously: 

“Wasn’t Paul foolish not to telephone!” 

Her Proof. 

“Yes,” said Mr. Cumrod, earnestly; “but what 
convinces you that the Duke loves our daughter 
deeply and devotedly?” 

“The fact,” replied his wife, icily, “that he is 
willing to accept you as a father-in-law.” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


181 


Correct. 

“What animal,” asked the teacher, “is satisfied 
with the least nourishment?” 

Looking over the raised hands, she said, “Well, 
Harry, you may answer.” 

“Please, ma’am, the moth. It eats nothing but 
holes.” 

Punishment. 

Little Jim, in climbing off the woodshed, a place 
he was forbidden to go, tore his clothes. 

“Now mamma will punish you!” exclaimed his 
Sister Lucy. 

“What do I care?” was the happy rejoinder. 
“Scoldings don’t hurt; whippings don’t last long; 
and killin’ you dasent.” 

The Use of Lightning. 

Little Anna was out-of-doors with her mother 
in the dusk of a summer evening and was rather 
frightened by the gathering shadows. She no¬ 
ticed some flashes of heat lightning across the east¬ 
ern sky and exclaimed joyfully: “God is doin to 
light the moon now; he’s squatching his matches!” 

Katharine’s Kindness. 

Katharine is two and a half years old. Her 
father came home one afternoon, after working 
three days and three nights at high pressure, with 
almost no sleep. He lay down with the feeling 
that he did not want to wake for a week. Half an 



182 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


hour xater, from the depths of his dreams, he heard 
a small clear voice, “Father!” 

The sleeper stirred and turned his head on the 
pillow. 

“Father! father!” 

He stirred again, and moaned. 

“Father! father!” 

He struggled and resisted and floundered and 
finally raised his eyelids like a man lifting heavy 
weights. He saw Katharine smiling divinely be¬ 
side his couch. 

“Father! father!” 

“What is it, daughter?” 

“Father, are you having a nice nap?” 

Overpowering. 

“Is you gwine ter let dat mule do as he please?” 
asked Uncle Ephraim’s wife. “Wha’s yer will 
power?” 

“My will power is all right,” he answered. “You 
jest want ter come out here and measure dis here 
mule’s won’t power.” 

Puzzling. 

Willie is a very inquisitive boy and his grand¬ 
father is bald. He was calling to see the folks and 
was watching his grandfather wash. He watched 
very closely, and when his grandfather noticed he 
asked him what he was looking at. Willie replied: 

“Grandpa, I was just wondering how you knew 
just how far up to wash your face.” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


183 


Perhaps. 

When Jamie sat quiet for any length of time, 
his mother always trembled. It usually meant 
some question best defined as a “poser.” 

And on this occasion he hadn’t moved for ten 
minutes. Then it came: 

“Mother, do angels sleep?” 

“Yes, dear, I suppose so.” 

“Do they lie down, mother? How can they, 
with those big wings?” 

“I’m sure I don’t know, Jamie. I’ve never 
thought about it.” 

Silence again, and she hoped he had forgotten, 
but Jamie was thinking deeply. “I’ve got it, 
mother,” he cried at last. I’ll bet they roost!” 

Cherished Mementoes. 

Senator Clapp, at a dinner in Washington, 
chuckled over the appearance before his committee 
of Colonel Roosevelt. 

“The colonel,” he said, “certainly got back at 
everybody. He reminded me of the Irishman. 

“A friend of mine, traveling in Ireland, stopped 
for a drink of milk at a white cottage with a 
thatched roof, and, as he sipped his refreshment, 
he noted, on a center table under a glass dome, a 
brick with a faded red rose upon the top of it. 

“ ‘Why do you cherish in this way,’ my friend 
said to his host, That common brick and that dead 
rose?’ 

“ ‘Shure, sir,’ was the reply, ‘there’s certain 


184 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


memories attachin’ to them. Do ye see this big 
dent in my head? Well, it was made by that 
brick.’ 

“ ‘But the rose?’ said my friend. 

“His host smiled quietly. 

“ ‘The rose,’ he explained, is off the grave of the 
man that threw the brick.’ ” 

When Visitors Came. 

“Mother,” asked the little one on the occasion 
of a number of guests at dinner, “will the dessert 
hurt me, or is there enough to go round?” 

The Little Too Much. 

It was a beautiful evening and Ole, who had 
screwed up courage to take Mary for a ride, was 
carried away by the magic of the night. 

“Mary,” he asked, “will you marry me?” 

“Yes, Ole,” she answered softly. 

Ole lapsed into silence that at last became pain¬ 
ful to his fiancee. 

“Ole,” she said desperately, “why don’t you say 
something?” 

“Ay tank,” Ole replied,, “they bane too much 
said already!” 

Wise Beyond His Years. 

A teacher in one of the primary grades of the 
public school had noticed a striking platonic 
friendship that existed between Tommy and little 
Mary, two of her pupils. 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


185 


Tommy was a bright enough youngster, but he 
wasn’t disposed to prosecute his studies with much 
energy, and his teacher said that unless he stirred 
himself before the end of the year he wouldn’t be 
promoted. 

“You must study harder,” she told him, “or you 
won’t pass. How would you like to stay back in 
this class another year and have little Mary go 
ahead of you?” 

“Ah,” said Tommy, “I guess there’ll be other 
little Marys.” 

A Swat Indirect. 

Mandy—“What foh yo’ been goin’ to de post- 
office so reg’lar? Are yo’ correspondin’ wif some 
other female?” 

Rastus—“Nope; but since Ah been a-readin’ in 
de papers ’bout dese conscience funds, Ah kind of 
thought Ah might possible git a lettah from dat 
ministah what married us.” 

Universal Epidemic. 

Mr. Roger W. Babson says that in looking up 
appendicitis cases he learned that in seventeen per 
cent of the operations for that disease the post¬ 
mortem examinations showed that the appendix 
was in perfect condition. 

“The whole subject,” he adds, “reminds me of a 
true story I heard in London recently. In the hos¬ 
pitals there the ailment of the patient, when he is 
admitted, is denoted by certain letters, such as 


186 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


'T. B.’ for tuberculosis. An American doctor was 
examining these history slips when his curiosity was 
aroused by the number on which the letters 
‘G. 0. K.’ appeared. He said to the physician who 
was showing him around: 

“ ‘There seems to be a severe epidemic of this 
G. O. K. in London. What is it, anyhow?’ 

“ ‘Oh, that means, “God only knows,” 9 replied 
the English physician.” 

Repentance Postponed. 

An old Negro parson in a Southern church was 
denouncing theft to his congregation, when he said: 

“If there is any member of this congregation 
who is guilty of theft he had better repent at once 
and be saved.” 

On his way home he was stopped by old Rastus, 
who had listened to the sermon intently. 

“Don’t you think, parson, that next Sunday will 
do just as well as to-night to repent?” asked 
Rastus. 

“But, Rastus, why not repent to-night and be 
saved, man?” 

“Well, parson, it’s this way,” explained Rastus. 
“I want just one mo’ chicken fo’ to-morrow’s din¬ 
ner, and I know wha I can get dat chicken widout 
bein’ caught to-night.” 

“Well,” said the parson, hesitating, “I don’t 
know what to say, so I think I will take dinner with 
you to-morrow and then talk the matter over with 
you.” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


187 


Just a Hint. 

Mayor Stewart, at an insurance banquet in 
Saginaw, told an insurance story. 

“A septuagenarian,” he began, “said one eve¬ 
ning at dinner to his fair young wife: 

“ ‘My darling, I have just insured my life in 
your favor for 8100,000.’ 

“ ‘Oh, you duck!’ the beautiful girl cried, and, 
rising and passing round the table she kissed her 
husband lightly on his bald head. 

“ ‘Darling,’ he said, taking her slim white hand, 
‘is there anything else I can do for you?’ 

“ ‘Nothing on earth,’ she answered, and then, 
with a little silvery laugh, she added: ‘Nothing in 
this world. Nothing under heaven.’ ” 

A Horse Laugh. 

Motorist (blocked by load of hay)—“I say there, 
pull out and let me by.” 

Farmer—“Oh, I dunno ez I’m in any hurry.” 

Motorist (angrily)—“You seemed in a hurry to 
let that other fellow’s carriage get past.” 

Farmer—“That’s ’cause his horse wuz eatin’ my 
hay. There hain’t no danger o’ yew eatin’ it, I 
reckon.” 

Chronic. 

Small Boy (to charitable lady)—“Please, mother 
says she’s much better of the complaint wot you 
gives ’er quinin’ for; but she’s awful ill of the dis¬ 
ease wot’s cured by port wine and chicken broth.” 


188 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Why? 

For a whole solid hour the captain had been lec¬ 
turing his men on “The Duties of a Soldier," and 
he thought that now the time had come for him to 
test the results of his discourse. 

Casting his eye around the room he fixed on 
Private Murphy as his first victim. 

“Private Murphy,” he asked, “why should a 
soldier be ready to die for his country?” 

The Irishman scratched his head for a while; 
then an ingratiating and enlightening smile flitted 
across his face. “Sure, captain,” he said pleasantly, 
“you’re quite right. Why should he?” 

Of Course! 

James started his third helping of pudding with 
delight. 

“Once upon a time, James,” admonished his 
mother, “there was a little boy who ate too much 
pudding, and he burst!” 

James considered. “There ain’t such a thing 
as too much pudding,” he decided. 

“There must be,” continued his mother, “else 
why did the little boy burst?” 

James passed his plate for the fourth time, say¬ 
ing, “Not enough boy.” 

Sad Ignorance. 

Assistant District Attorney Clark was conduct¬ 
ing a case in the criminal court. A large, rough¬ 
shouldered Negro was in the witness chair. 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


189 


“An’ then,” said the witness, “we all went down 
in the alley an’ shot a few craps.” 

“Ah,” said Mr. Clark, swinging his eyeglass im¬ 
pressively. “Now, sir, I want you to address the 
jury and tell them just how you deal craps.” 

“Wass that?” asked the witness, rolling his eyes. 

“Address the jury, sir,” thundered Mr. Clark, 
“and tell them just how you deal craps.” 

“Lemme outen heah,” said the witness, uneasily. 
“Furst thing I know this genman gwine ask me how 
to drink a sandwich.” 

In Their Steps. 

“Look here, now, Harold,” said a father to his 
little son, who was naughty, “if you don’t say your 
prayers you won’t go to heaven.” 

“I don’t want to go to heaven,” sobbed the boy; 
“I want to go with you and mother.” 

His Kind. 

A traveler who believed himself to be sole sur¬ 
vivor of a shipwreck upon a cannibal isle hid 
for three days, in terror of his life. Driven out 
by hunger, he discovered a thin wisp of smoke rising 
from a clump of bushes inland, and crawled care¬ 
fully to study the type of savages about it. Just 
as he reached the clump he heard a voice say, 
“Why in hell did you play that card?” 

He dropped on his knees and, devoutly raising 
his hands, cried : 

“Thank God, they are Christians!” 




190 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Had to Call for Aid. 

A good story is told of Gilligan and Milligan, two 
married men who, wandering home late one night, 
stopped at what Gilligan supposed was his resi¬ 
dence, but which his companion insisted was his 
own house. Gilligan rang the bell lustily, and a 
window was raised and a lady inquired what was 
wanted. 

“Madam (hie),” inquired Mr. Gilligan, “isn’t 
that his, Mr. Gilligan’s house (hie)?” 

“No,” replied the lady, “this is the residence of 
Mr. Milligan.” 

“Well,” exclaimed Gilligan, “Mrs. Milligan (hie), 
I beg your pardon (hie). Mrs. Milligan, won’t 
you come down to the door (hie) and pick out 
Milligan, for Gilligan wants to go home.” 

Easy. 

Teacher in a graded school—“Name the sea¬ 
sons.” 

Pupil—“Pepper, salt, vinegar, and mustard.” 

Preferred the Bear. 

A gentleman from the North was enjoying the 
excitement of a bear hunt down in Mississippi. 
The bear was surrounded in a small cane thicket. 
The dogs could not get the bear out, and the 
planter, who was at the head of the hunt, called to 
one of the Negroes: 

“Sam, go in there and get that bear out.” 

The Negro hesitated for a moment and then 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


191 


plunged into the cane. A few moments later the 
Negro, the bear, and the dogs were rolling upon the 
ground outside. After the hunt was over the 
visitor said to the Negro: 

“Were you not afraid to go into that thicket with 
that bear?” 

“Cap’n,” replied the Negro, “it was jest dis way, 
I neber had met dat b’ar, but I was pussonally 
’quainted wid de old boss, so I jest naturally took 
dat b’ar.” 


Better Late than Never. 

The host was nervous and inexperienced and he 
rose hurriedly at the conclusion of a song with 
which one of the guests had been obliging. • 

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he began. “Before 
Mrs. Smith started to sing she—ah—told me her 
—ah—voice was not in the best condition and— 
ah—asked me to apologize for it, but I neglected 
to do so and—ah—I apologize now.” 

How Much? 

A little fellow entered a general grocery store 
in the suburbs and said: “Please, my mother says, 
‘Will you kindly give her a needle for this egg?’ ” 

The storekeeper smiled. “Why,” he said, “you 
can get a whole packet of needles for that nice 
fresh egg.” 

“No, sir,” said the boy, “my mother don’t want a 
whole packet. She says, ‘Please give me the change 
in cheese.’ ” 


192 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


, Experienced. 

During an Episcopal convention in Boston one 
of the bishops had an experience he will long re¬ 
member. He was a portly man, weighing over 
three hundred pounds. One afternoon, while 
walking through Boston Common, he sat down on 
one of the benches to rest. When he attempted to 
get up he failed in the effort. He tried again and 
failed. About this time a little girl, poorly clad, 
came along and was attracted by the struggles of 
the bishop. Stepping up to him, she exclaimed: 

“Don’t you want me to give you a lift?” 

The bishop gazed at her in amazement and ex¬ 
claimed : 

“Why, you can’t help me. You are too little.” 

“No, I am not,” she replied. “I have helped my 
pa get up many times when he was drunker than 
you are.” 

/acuum Theology. 

A colored Baptist was exhorting. “Now, bred- 
dren and sistern, come up to de altar an’ hab yo’ 
sins washed away.” 

All came but one man. 

“Why, Brudder Jones, don yo’ want yo’ sins 
washed away?” 

“I done had my sins washed away.” 

“Yo’ has! Where yo’ had yo’ sins washed away?” 

“Ober at de Methodist church.” 

“Ah, Brudder Jones, yo’ ain’t been washed; yo’ 
jes’ been dry cleaned.” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


193 


A Quarter for a S-cent. 

A well-dressed woman stepped in front of the 
perfume counter. “I would like some good per¬ 
fume,” she said to the clerk. Pointing to a bottle 
filled with perfume worth eight dollars an ounce, 
she asked to sample it. 

Because the woman looked as if she might make 
a purchase, the clerk permitted the woman to take 
a whiff of it. 

“Now, that’s pretty good,” the customer re¬ 
plied; “I think I’ll take a quarter’s worth.” 

“Why, madam,” the astonished clerk managed 
to answer, “you’ve already had a quarter’s worth.” 

Ouch! 

A class of boys was undergoing an examination 
in Scripture. The subject was the Good Sa¬ 
maritan. 

“And why do you think the priest and Levite, 
after looking at him, passed by on the other side?” 

“Because they saw he had been robbed already,” 
was the answer. 

An Essay on Frogs. 

A classic essay, lately immortalized in type, is 
about frogs, and was written by a young Nor¬ 
wegian. The essay runs: “What a wonderful bird 
the frog are! When he stand he sit, almost. When 
he hop he fly almost. He ain’t got no sense, hardly. 
He ain’t got no tail hardly, either, when he sit he 
sit on what he ain’t got almost.” 

13 


194 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Prepared for Increased Business. 

“Rastus,” said the judge sternly, “you are found 
guilty of having stolen two chickens from Mrs. 
Robinson’s cook last week. The fine will be five 
dollars.” 

Smilingly Rastus approached the clerk and laid 
a ten-dollar bill on the desk. 

“Yassah, jedge,” he said. “So Ah gives you ten 
bucks which pays me up to an includin nex 
Sattidy night.” 

Safety First. 

There was a man in Texas who went to a re¬ 
vival meeting and was pressed to repent. He 
wavered for a time and finally arose and said, 

4 'Friends, I want to repent and tell how bad I have 
been, but I dasn’t do it when the grand jury is in 
session.” 

“The Lord will forgive,” the revivalist shouted. 

‘'Probably he will,” answered the sinner, “but 
he ain’t on that grand jury.” 

Large Supply Needed. 

Eph Brown was a true believer and fond of any 
religious ceremony. When “de suction caught 
him he became a sort of unofficial chaplain in a 
colored labor battalion. He worked assiduously 
among his fellows, and finally persuaded a dozen 
or more to join him in an open-air baptizing on a 
January day. 

That it was necessary to chop a hole in the river 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


195 


ice to provide a space for immersion rather cooled 
the ardor of the converts, but not Eph’s. Seizing 
the nearest soldier, he plunged him beneath the icy 
waters. He had not reckoned on the swift current, 
however, and the luckless victim was snatched 
out of his hands and carried permanently out of 
sight. 

Eph was not in the least disconcerted. 

“De Lawd giveth,” he intoned, ‘'an’ de Lawd 
taketh away. Bring me anotha privit.” 

Fur and Long. 

A stranger strolled up to a colored prisoner in a 
military camp who was taking a long interval of 
rest between two heaves of a pick. 

“Well, Sam, what crime did you commit to be 
put in overalls and under guard?” 

“Ah went on a furlong, sah.” 

“You mean you went on a furlough.” 

“No, boss, it was a sho-nuff furlong. Ah went 
too fur, an’ Ah stayed too long.” 

Reciprocity. 

The goose had been carved and everybody had 
tasted it. It was excellent. The colored minister, 
who was the guest of honor, could not restrain his 
enthusiasm. “Dat’s as fine a goose as I ever set my 
teeth in, Brudder Williams,” he said to his host. 
“Whar did you git such a fine goose?” 

“Well, now, parson,” he replied, exhibiting great 
dignity and reluctance, “when you preaches a 


196 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


’specially good sermon, I never axes you whar you 
got it. I hopes you will show de same considera¬ 
tion.” 

Quite a Mistake. 

The telephone in a well-known surgeon’s office 
rang and the doctor answered it. A voice in¬ 
quired, “Who is it?” 

The doctor readily recognized the voice of his 
seven-year-old son. Although an exceedingly busy 
man, he was always ready for a bit of fun, so he 
replied, “The smartest man in the world.” 

“I beg your pardon,” said the boy, “I have the 
wrong number.” 

The Editor Left Town. 

In a recent letter to the Breeder's Gazette , a sub¬ 
scriber told how a printer got an auction sale and 
an account of a wedding mixed. The resulting 
article read like this: 

“Married at the home of the bride’s township, 
one mile north and two miles east of Mr. and Mrs. 
Jones’ highly respected residents of Thursday, 
Jan. 27, Miss Ethel Drinkwater by the Rev. 18 
head of shorthorns consisting of four bridesmaids 
dressed in pale blue and carrying calves by their 
sides. They had tulle veils . . . sired by the noted 
Kentucky jack Bombino 3d. Also forty-six head 
of hogs, including the groom’s father from North 
Dakota, where he is engaged in missionary work, 
and is immuned by the double process. These 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


197 


shotes are all thrifty, and relatives of the bride and 
groom. They all gathered in the spacious dining¬ 
room after the ceremony, and partook of 300 
bushels of seed oats, 1000 bushels of corn, 10 large 
sacks of millet and alfalfa. The bride is the young¬ 
est daughter of one trusty incubator, capacity 600 
eggs, one John Deere five-room cottage and a trip 
to Omaha, after which they draw 10 per cent inter¬ 
est from date. Free lunch at noon.” 

Any Cord. 

During a recent political campaign two deacons 
of the same faith religiously, but on opposite sides 
of the fence politically, attended prayer-meeting 
services. 

“O Lord,” intoned the Republican deacon, “I 
pray thee that the Republicans may hang to¬ 
gether—” 

“Amen!” ejaculated the Democrat. 

“But not, O Lord,” continued the Republican, 
“in the sense that my Democratic brother means, 
but in accord and concord.” 

“Any cord’ll do, Lord: any cord’ll do!” was the 
closing thrust of the Democrat. 

Cause for Doubt. 

There was an all-round good-for-nothing man 
who died, and at his funeral the minister delivered 
a beautiful funeral address, eulogizing the departed 
in such glowing words, praising his splendid qual¬ 
ities as a fine type of man, a good husband, and 


198 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


parent. He painted such a fine picture that the 
widow, who was seated well up in front, spoke to 
her little daughter by her side and said, “My dear, 
go look in the coffin and see if it is your father.” 

The Custom. 

“Johnny,” said the teacher, “if coal is selling at 
fourteen dollars a ton and you pay the dealer sixty- 
five dollars, how many tons will he bring?” 

“A little over three tons, ma’am,” said Johnny, 
promptly. 

“Why, Johnny, that’s not right,” said the 
teacher. 

“No, ma’am, I know it ain’t right,” said Johnny, 
“but they all do it.” 

Error in Judgment. 

Little Bobby, who had been playing with a 
neighbor’s daughter, came sobbing to his mother 
one day and declared that his playmate had pulled 
his hair. 

“Why, Bobby,” his mother gasped, “I thought 
she was such a nice little girl that she would never 
do such a thing like that.” 

“So did I,” wailed Bobby; “that’s why I kicked 
her.” 

Something Was Going to Happen to Him. 

Two powerful colored stevedores who had some 
sort of falling out were engaged in unloading a 
vessel at a St. Louis dock. Uncomplimentary re- 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


199 


marks and warnings of intended violence were ex¬ 
changed whenever the two passed each other with 
their trucks. 

“You jest keep on pesticating ’round wid me,” 
declared one of the men, “an’ you is gwine be able 
to settle a mighty big question fur de sciumtific 
folks.” 

“What question dat?” asked the other. 

“Kin de dead speak?” 

His Bequest. 

A lawyer was known to be a bit grasping. He 
had just made a will for an old lady client, who was 
passing away. The next day the old lady, very 
near the end, said to him: “About my will—I’ve 
added something to it. I’ve given—given—” 

“Just one minute, my good friend,” said the 
lawyer, wishing to have witnesses for the remark. 
So he hurriedly called the family in, and when they 
were all assembled he said to his old client, “Now, 
say what you were going to say.” 

“I’ve—given—you—” and she stopped, her 
breathing becoming more and more labored. 

“Yes, yes,” urged the lawyer. 

Then she finished, “—a—great—deal—of— 
trouble.” 


She Was Prepared. 

A certain clergyman always felt it his duty to 
give each couple a little serious advice before he 
performed the marriage ceremony. He usually 


200 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


took them aside one at a time and talked very so¬ 
berly to each regarding the importance of the step 
they were about to take and the new responsibili¬ 
ties they were to assume. One day he talked in his 
most earnest manner to a young woman who had 
come to be married. After he had talked to her for 
several minutes, he said, in closing, “And now, 
I hope you realize the extreme importance of the 
step you are taking, and that you are prepared 
for it.” 

“Prepared,” replied the bride innocently. “Well, 
if I ain’t prepared, I don’t know who is. I’ve got 
four common quilts and two nice ones and four 
brand new feather-beds, ten sheets and twelve pairs 
of pillow slips, four linen table-cloths, a dozen 
spoons and a new six-quart kettle, and lots of other 
things.” 

The Lesser Evil. 

Judge Lyons, of Tombstone, Arizona, arose one 
evening to make a speech in the presence of a very 
large audience. He spoke so badly that his audi¬ 
ence melted away by degrees. At the end of an 
hour one old miner alone was left. 

The old miner yawned and reached down for his 
hat at last, but was horrified to see Judge Lyons 
draw a six-shooter from his hip-pocket and lay it 
on the desk before him. The old miner sat up. He 
fingered his hat nervously. At length he inter¬ 
rupted Judge Lyons’ turgid flood of oratory and 
said, “Be you gwine to shoot ef I go?” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


201 


“Such, friend, is my intention,” said the judge 
grimly. “I’m bound to finish my oration, even if 
I have to shoot to keep an audience.” 

The old miner heaved a deep sigh, then arose 
and started for the door, at the same time saying 
over his shoulder, “Wall, shoot if yer a mind to; I’d 
as lief be shot as talked to death.” 

One of Them. 

There was a man who did not approve of foreign 
missions. One Sunday at church a collector ap¬ 
proached him and held out the plate. 

“I never give to missions,” whispered the man. 

“Then take something out of the plate, sir,” 
whispered the collector, “the money is for the 
heathen.” 

His Only Fear. 

“Papa,” said a little girl, “when you see a cow 
ain’t you afraid?” 

“No, certainly not, Evelyn.” 

“When you see a horse ain’t you afraid?” 

“No, of course not.” 

“When you see a dog ain’t you afraid?” 

“No!” he replied with emphasis. 

“When you see a bumble-bee ain’t you afraid?” 

“No,” he replied with scorn. 

“Ain’t you afraid when it thunders?” 

“No,” he said with laughter. “Oh, you silly, 
silly child.” 

“Papa,” said Evelyn, solemnly, “ain’t you ’fraid 
of nothin’ in the world but mamma?” 


202 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Silence Was Death in This Case. 

A merchant was recently persuaded to purchase 
an excellent parrot. This one had traveled far and 
could jabber in several foreign languages. He or¬ 
dered it sent home. That same day his wife had 
ordered a fresh spring chicken for dinner. On 
leaving the house she said to the cook: “Mary, 
there’s a bird coming for dinner. Wring its neck 
and have it fried hot for Mr. Richards when he gets 
home.” Unfortunately the parrot arrived first 
and the cook followed instructions. 

At dinner he was duly served. “What’s this?” 
exclaimed Mr. Richards. Mary told him. “But, 
for goodness sake, Mary,” he said, “this is awful. 
That bird could speak seven languages.” 

“Then, phwy the divil didn’t he say something?” 

Hope vs. Evidence. 

At the grave of the departed the old colored pas¬ 
tor stood, hat in hand. Looking into the grave he 
delivered himself of the following funeral oration: 

“Samuel Johnson,” he said sorrowfully, “you is 
gone. An’ we hopes you is gone where we ’specks 
you a,in,’t.” 


He May Need Them. 

The following news item appeared in a little 
country paper: “The church presented Dr. Smith 
with a splendid car. He asks the prayers of all 
Christian people.” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


203 


On Its Way. 

“And what is an egg?” asked the missionary 
who was testing his pupils’ knowledge of English. 

“An egg,” said the little foreign boy, “is a chicken 
not yet.” 

Somewhat Confused. 

A colored woman visited the courthouse in a 
Tennessee town and said to the judge, “Is yo’all 
the reperbate jedge?” 

“I am the judge of probate, mammy.” 

“I’se come to you-all ’cause I’se in trouble. Mah 
man—he’s done died detested an’ I’se got t’ree 
little infidels so I’se cum to be ’pinted de execoo- 
tioner.” 

Deep Mourning. 

An old colored woman went into a dry-goods 
store and stopped before the underwear counter. 

“Honey,” she said to the clerk, “is you got any 
black underwear? I lost mah old man lately an’ I’m 
mourning fur him.” 

“No, auntie,” replied the salesgirl, “but I have 
some very nice white ones. Won’t they do?” 

“No, honey,” replied the old woman with a deep 
sigh. “No, they won’t do. When I mourns, I 
mourns clean down to de skin.” 

Another Not Needed. 

“You love my daughter?” said the old man. 

“Love her!” exclaimed the young suitor pas¬ 
sionately. “Why, I would die for her. For one 


204 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


soft glance from those sweet eyes I would hurl my¬ 
self from yonder cliff and perish—a bruised mass 
upon the rocks two hundred feet below.” 

The old man shook his head. “I am something 
of a liar myself,” he said, “and one is enough for a 
small family like mine.” 

She Wanted Progress. 

“No, sah, Ah doan’t never ride on dem things,” 
said an old colored woman looking in the merry- 
go-round. 

“Why, de other day I seen dat Rastus Johnson 
git on an’ ride as much as a dollah’s wuth an’ git off 
at the very same place he got on at, an’ I sez to 
him, ‘Rastus,’ I sez, ‘Yo’ spent yo’ money, but 
whar yo’ been?” 

Tit for Tat. 

A white minister had just married a colored 
couple and in a jocular way remarked: 

“It is customary to kiss the bride, but in this 
instance we will omit it.” 

Quick as flash the groom replied: 

“It is customary for the groom to give the min¬ 
ister a five-dollar bill, but in this instance we will 
also omit that.” 

Special Kentucky Course. 

A keen-eyed mountaineer led his overgrown son 
into a country schoolhouse. “This here boy’s 
arter lamin’,” he announced. “What’s yer bill o’ 
fare?” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


205 


“Our curriculum, sir,” corrected the school¬ 
master, “embraces geography, arithmetic, trigo¬ 
nometry—” 

“That’ll do,” interrupted the father. “That’ll 
do. Load him up well with triggernormetry. He’s 
the only poor shot in the family.” 

Back to Nature. 

“Why is it, Sam, that one never hears of a col¬ 
ored person committing suicide?” a white man in¬ 
quired of a colored man. 

“Well, you see, it’s disaway, boss: When a white 
pussun has any trouble he sets down an’ gits to 
studyin’ ’bout it an’ worryin’. Then firs’ thing you 
know he’s done killed hisself. But when a colored 
pussun sets down to think ’bout his troubles, why, 
he nacherly goes to sleep!” 

Under Suspicion. 

j 

A colored pastor, dismissing his congregation one 
Sunday morning, said: 

“De membahs what am pervided wid umbral- 
lahs will please wait till I take a look at ’em. Since 
de mysterious disappearance of my own umbrallah 
last Sunday dar am a cloud of suspicion floating 
over dis yere church which has got to be dispelled.” 

Going Into Half Mourning. 

Miss Annette Benson, on returning from a visit, 
brought gifts to each of her mother’s servants. It 
was the “day out” for Lily, the housemaid, so 


206 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Annette distributed her gifts, reserving for Lily 
a scarlet-silk blouse. 

“That won’t do,’’ said Mrs. Benson. “Lily’s in 
mourning.” 

“Mourning?” 

“Yes, for her husband; he died in jail, and Lily’s 
wearing mourning, a long crepe veil.” 

When Lily returned, her young mistress ex¬ 
pressed regret. “I’ll give the blouse to Lizzie,” she 
said, “and I will get you something else.” 

Lily looked at the blouse, then she swallowed. 

“Don’t you give that blouse to no Lizzie, Miss 
Annette, co’s next mont’ I’se gwine outa mourning 
from my waist up.” 

His First Performance. 

“Who’s dead?” asked the stranger, viewing the 
elaborate funeral procession. 

“The bloke what’s inside the coffin,” answered 
the irreverent small boy. 

“But who is it?” the stranger persisted. 

“It’s the mayor,” was the answer. 

“So the mayor is dead, is he?” mused the 
stranger. 

“Well, I guess he is,” said the small boy, wither- 
ingly. “Do you think he’s having a rehearsal?” 

Watch. 

A little chap who thinks a watch is one thing that 
makes life worth living was told that for the pres¬ 
ent a watch could not be given him. But he con- 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


207 


tinued to tease for one until the whole family were 
wearied. Then his father, after explaining to him 
that he should certainly have a watch when he was 
older, forbade him to mention the subject again. 
The next Sunday the children, as was the custom in 
that family, repeated Bible verses at the breakfast 
table. 

When it was the boy’s turn he astonished them 
all by saying: “What I say unto you, I say unto all: 
Watch!” 


Specially Endowed. 

“Some un sick at yo’ house, Miss Carter?” in¬ 
quired Lila. “Ah seed de doctur’s kyar eroun’ 
dar yistiddy.” 

“It was my brother, Lila.” 

“Sho’! What’s he done got de matter of’m?” 

“Nobody seems to know what the disease is. 
He can eat an’ sleep as well as ever, he stays out 
all day long on the veranda in the sun and seems 
as well as anyone, but he can’t do any work at all.” 

“He cain’t—yo’ says he cain’t work?” 

“Not a stroke.” 

“Law, Miss Carter, dat ain’t no disease what yo’ 
brother got. Dat’s a gif’!” 

Was He? 

General Sherman once stopped at a country 
home where tin basin and roller towel sufficed for 
the family’s ablutions. For two mornings the small 
boy of the household watched the visitor make his 


208 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


toilet. When, on the third day, the toothbrush, 
nailfile, and whiskbroom had been duly used, he 
asked, “Say, mister, air you always that much 
trouble to you’se’f?” 

Not Worth the Difference. 

A colored servant, wishing to get married, asked 
his master to buy him a license in a neighboring 
town. The master, being in haste, did not ask the 
name of the happy woman, but as he drove along he 
reflected on the many tender attentions that he had 
seen John lavish on Euphemia Wilson, the cook, 
and, concluding that there could be no mistake, 
had the license made out in her name. 

“There’s your license to marry Euphemia,” he 
said to the servant that night. You are as good as 
married already, and you owe me two dollars.” 

The colored man’s face fell. 

“But, Marse Tom, Euphemia Wilson ain’t de 
lady I’se gwine to marry. Dat wa’nt nothin’ mor’n 
a little flirtation. Georgiana Thompson, the la’n- 
dress, is de one I’se gwine to marry.” 

“Oh, well, John,” said the master, amused and 
irritated at the same time, “there’s no great harm 
done. I’ll get you another license to-morrow, but it 
will cost you two dollars more, of course.” The 
next morning the colored man came to the car¬ 
riage as it was starting for town, and, leaning con¬ 
fidentially over the wheel, said: “Mass’ Tom, you 
needn’t git me no udder license; I’ll use the one I’se 
got. I’se been thinkin’ it over in de night, an’ I tell 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


209 


you de troof, Mass’ Tom, de conclusion of my 
jedgement is dat dar ain’t two dollars’ wuth o’ dif- 
funce between dem two ladies.” 

Much Ignorance. 

At a church conference a speaker began a tirade 
against education in general and seminaries in 
particular, and expressed thankfulness that he 
himself had never been corrupted by contact with 
a college. 

After a few minutes the bishop interrupted with 
the question, “Do I understand, Mr. Dobson, that 
you are thankful for your ignorance?” 

“Well, yes; you can put it that way if you wish.” 

“Well, then, all I have to say,” the bishop re¬ 
plied sweetly, “is that you have much to be thank¬ 
ful for.” 


Colored Mathematics. 

A Southern senator once rented a plot of several 
acres to one of his colored neighbors. The land was 
to be planted in corn, and the senator was to re¬ 
ceive a fourth. The corn was duly harvested, but 
the senator did not receive his fourth. Meeting the 
colored man one day, he said, “Look here, Sam, 
have you harvested your corn?” 

“Yas, sir, boss, long ago.” 

“Well, wasn’t I to get a fourth?” 

“Yas, sir, boss, dat’s de truf, but dar wan’t no 
fourth. Dar was jes’ three loads, and dey was 
mine.” 

14 


210 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


A Providing Man. 

“Is your husband much of a provider, Aunt 
Malindy?” asked her mistress. 

“He jest ain’t nothin’ else, ma’am. He gwine 
to git some new furniture providin’ he gits de 
money; he gwine to git de money providin’ he gits 
a job; he gwine to go to work providin’ de job suits 
him. I never see such a providin’ man in all mah 
days.” 

His Rights. 

“Why did you strike this man?” asked the judge 
sternly. 

“He called me a liar, your honor,” replied the 
accused. 

“Is that true?” asked the judge, turning to the 
man with the mussed-up face. 

“Sure, it is true,” said the accuser. “I called him 
a liar because he is one, and I can prove it.” 

“What have you got to say to that?” asked the 
judge of the defendant. 

“It’s got nothing to do with the case, your 
honor,” was the unexpected reply. “Even if I am 
a liar, I guess I’ve got a right to be sensitive about 
it, ain’t I?” 

A Bonehead. 

“G’wan, nigger, you ain’t got no sense nohow.” 

“Ain’t got no sense? Whut’s dis yere haid for?” 

“Dat thing? Dat ain’t no haid, nigger; dat’s jest 
er button on top er yo’ body ter keep yer backbone 
from unravelin’.” 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


211 


Won’t She? 

An old colored mammy who was addicted to the 
pipe was being lectured on the habit by a Sabbath- 
school teacher. Finally the lecturer said, “Do you 
expect to go to heaven?” 

“Yes, indeed, I does.” 

“But the Bible says nothing unclean shall enter 
there. Now the breath of the smoker is unclean. 
What do you say to that?” 

“Well,” the old mammy replied, “I reckon I 
leave ma bref behin’ when I enter dar.” 

A Satisfactory Service. 

“And how did the service go?” the bishop asked 
the young supply minister. 

“It was soothing, moving, and satisfactory.” 

“How’s that?” 

“You see, it was soothing because half of the 
congregation went to sleep. It was moving be¬ 
cause half of the other left before I was through. 
And it must have been satisfactory, because I was 
not asked to come again.” 

Seeing Them All. 

Colonel Thomas D. Osborne was an ex-Con- 
federate. He is also an ardent Baptist. Both come 
close to his heart. 

A friend stopped Colonel Osborne and inquired 
whether he was going to the Confederate reunion 
at Chattanooga. 

“I’m sorry I cannot,” said the colonel. “Gen. 


212 


CANNED LAUGHTER 


Bennet Young is urging me to attend the reunion 
to meet my old comrades because I may never see 
them again. But I have a Baptist convention to 
attend just at the time the reunion will be held. 
I told General Young I was sure to meet all Con¬ 
federates in heaven, but I must meet my Baptist 
friends while I can.” 

Heroic Remedy. 

A colored woman went to the pastor of her 
church to complain of the conduct of her husband, 
who she said was a low-down, worthless, trifling 
fellow. After listening to a long recital of his de¬ 
linquencies and her efforts to correct them, the 
minister said, “Have you ever tried heaping coals 
of fire on his head?” 

“No,” was her reply, “but I done tried hot 
water.” 

Stumped. 

“Children,” said the teacher to his pupils, “you 
should be able to do anything equally well with 
both hands. With a little practice you will find it 
just as easy to do anything with one hand as it is 
with the other.” 

“Is it?” inquired the boy at the foot of the class. 
“Let’s see you put your left hand in the right-hand 
pocket of your trousers.” 

















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